13 ds kicked me on Mothers day,im so upset teenage tantrums or PSP junkie?.

(26 Posts)
champas Sat 16-Mar-13 21:36:31

Is this teen tantrums? I m so upset. Long story;But mothers day got off to bad start, with a family member being taken into hospital,so I wondered if ds could help me and I asked him for a contact no.frm his mob,bad move! I interrupted his Laptop time! I went into his room I admit I was shouting got stressed out-he went into a rage and pushed me, I was astounded, (I'e always been so proud of my eldest son) He kicked in the back! (Size 9 feet). He nearly pushed me down the stairs.
Any advise out there from experienced mums?

His dad was out when it happened, so I tried to calm down, there was no talking to ds. His dad saw I was upset when he got hme, so I told him we had a row, but not what happened.(the day got worse)

Ds has had gadgets psp,laptop confiscated.I'm worried he like an addict with the games! It wasn't until Wed he spoke to me, attitude stinks I had to ask for an apology. I cart believe his arrogance. He must b spoilt what have I done wrong! Please tips on what I should do?

I must admit since the gaming has been taken away, things are bit better last few days, and I'm laying down the law, trying a 'Chores list ' up on the fridge.

champas Fri 29-Mar-13 21:24:24

UPDATE Ds
I've told dh about our row, he did go into SHOCK, but kept calm talking with ds. Things in our house have changed. Dh explained to ds that behaviour not acceptable, so :-

For discipline, PLAYSTATION REMOVED from home, internet is disconnected,and iPod TAKEN under our control.

It has not been easy, hardly any response from ds at first. In fact I think he was like some sort of junkie,repeatingly asking for PLAYSTATION back!

I spoke to ds explained he needs to get out more, he said bored at home.
I suggested he 're join scouting,which he gave up last year, then he asked me about cadets

DS HAS had a trial evening with aircadets.met boy's from his school there.
it's been a few weeks now,and ds seems to have chilled a lot. He seems like a better boy,I feel happy for him.

champas Fri 29-Mar-13 21:21:36

UPDATE Ds
I've told dh about our row, he did go into SHOCK, but kept calm talking with ds. Things in our house have changed. Dh explained to ds that behaviour not acceptable, so :-

For discipline, PLAYSTATION REMOVED from home, internet is disconnected,and iPod TAKEN under our control.

It has not been easy, hardly any response from ds at first. In fact I think he was like some sort of junkie,repeatingly asking for PLAYSTATION back!

I spoke to ds explained he needs to get out more, he said bored at home.
I suggested he 're join scouting,which he gave up last year, then he asked me about cadets

DS HAS had a trial evening with aircadets.met boy's from his school there.
it's been a few weeks now,and ds seems to have chilled a lot. He seems like a better boy,I feel happy for him.

champas Fri 29-Mar-13 20:52:52

Leeloo
I'm shocked at your response. Have u got a teenage child?, my darling they are all on 18 rated games, much to my disgust. Ds plays online with friends from sch. It's shocking k know but it's the norm.

champas Fri 29-Mar-13 20:49:07

Flow 4
n response to your check questions, all no. I 've lived with Dh for 14 yrs and no sign of violence.

yellowbrickrd Sun 17-Mar-13 13:17:57

Champas I thought i'd better explain my last post a bit better, I can see I upset you using the word 'abnormal'. I'm not saying your ds is abnormal - I would never describe someone in that way and I believe you when you say he is good socially and bright and that you're proud of him.

What I meant was that his violent reaction was abnormal. Perhaps I should have used a different word. How about extreme?

There were a number of ways he could have reacted to you coming in shouting and swearing at him -

he could have shouted and sworn back at you

he could have trashed his room and broken things

he could have picked a fight with a brother/sister to take it out on them

None of these are good reactions either and they would need to be addressed but they wouldn't be completely out of the ordinary for a teen.

Kicking you in the back is way beyond any of that. In fact I feel very sorry for your ds because I bet he felt just as horrified as you did to find himself lashing out like that. He probably feels sick with guilt when he thinks about it and doesn't understand where it came from.

That's why I said he needs you to get him some help. Help through the GP or his school in the form of counselling/anger management to help him to realise when his anger is getting out of control and show him ways to deal with it that don't involve violence.

He is still very young and if he gets help now it will give him a better chance of staying out of trouble in the future.

flow4 Sun 17-Mar-13 10:02:33

Champas, what you say here is a massive 'red flag' (warning): "Problem with Hubbie, he gets his fists out too quick he may end up hurting ds."

Could you say more about what you mean, please? Specifically, I'd be grateful for answers to these questions:
- Has your husband hit your DS in the past?
- Has there been a change in their relationship that makes you worried he might hit him now?
- Has your husband hit you?

Actually Champas, you don't have to tell us... But you should honestly answer these questions to yourself.

If there is any physical violence in your family, then this is likely to be the root of your DS's outburst, not the video gaming. Children who witness violence at home are much more likely to be violent themselves.

There is an overview of the effects of domestic violence on children here. I can provide you with more info if you like.

It is very hard for you Champas. If you are worried about your husband being violent, then at best you can't get proper support from him, and at worst you are at risk from him. You are probably working hard to hold the whole family together and keep everyone happy - and you have a job too - so no wonder you're tired out and stressed.

Now... What I am about to say next may not apply to you Champas, but I am going to say it anyway, in case it does - or in case it's useful to someone else reading this thread...

Women in abusive relationships often hit a crisis point when their children reach adolescence. If you have stayed in an abusive relationship 'for the sake of the children', then you will have worked hard to try to protect them from any of the effects. You will have tried everything possible to keep all the nastiness, abuse or violence 'hidden' from them. You may (as you describe) have carried all or most of the responsibility for raising and disciplining them, and not told your husband about problems, because you were worried about his response. You may have encouraged your children to behave in certain ways to avoid their father's anger. You will have done your very best.

But children are sensitive and pick up more than we want them to. It is not possible for a child to live in a house where there is domestic abuse or violence and not be affected by it eventually. It is often around adolescence that things begin to come out into the open. Here are just a few examples of what can happen (they are real, gathered from a wide body of research and from work I did with women and children in refuges a few years ago...)

- Children who have witnessed their fathers being violent to their mothers often start to 'copy' this, and act violently towards her themselves (for example, as soon as they grow taller than their mums)

- Children who lived with domestic abuse build up a lot of anger, and if they aren't supported to deal with this, they are then likely to start to 'act out' when they reached puberty. Some turn it inwards by self-harming or becoming depressed (often but not always girls), and some turn it outwards and get involved in anti-social behaviour or crime (often but not always boys).

- Some abusive men turn their violence/abuse towards their own children when they reach puberty, even if they have never targeted the children before. One adult man looking back on his childhood said his father had been 'lovely' to him when he was little, but started beating him when he reached adolescence, around the age of 11/12. He said his father suddenly seemed to see him as a threat, and the 'triggers' included things like when he 'answered back', whenever he tried to exert his independence, and when his mum was 'nice' to him - his father seemed jealous. Abusive men with daughters sometimes turn their abuse towards their daughters as they reach puberty - trying to control them as they have previously only tried to control their wives. Research estimates that 30-66% of children who live with domestic abuse, perhaps first only as 'witnesses', are eventually also directly abused themselves. sad

- Some children who reach puberty suddenly decide to try to 'protect' their mums, and they may actually 'step in' to try to stop their dad being violent. One 12/13yo boy I knew stepped in front of his dad because he was waving a knife at his mum. Another mother and son I met in a refuge were there because the boy had tried to protect his mum, although he was only 11 - and she suddenly realised how much danger that put him in. She hadn't been able to leave her husband when it was 'only' her at risk, but she left when she realised her son was at risk too.

As I said Champas, this may not apply to you. But you should be very honest with yourself about whether it might. Because if there is other violence in your home, it is not fair or helpful to pin blame on your DS - you will only be storing up more problems for the future, for yourself and your children.

If you - or anyone else reading this - feels they want to talk to someone about it or get more advice, they can phone the Women's Aid 24 hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247, or read more on their website at www.womensaid.org.uk.

leeloo1 Sun 17-Mar-13 09:12:29

It took me a 2 second google to find out that Black Ops is an 18-rated game, so why on earth are you letting your 13 year old play it. They don't put ratings on games for fun you know!

"Have you seen studies on teen gaming behaviour? I think games are possibly the root cause of some serious crimes in reality!"

If you are aware of these studies then why are you letting your DS play these games?

Take responsibility for your son. Tell your DH what happened (secrets like that are divisive), that you are worried about your DS and the effects of the games he is playing, then both of you need to confiscate them.

champas Sun 17-Mar-13 00:00:38

I think my ds would have had behaviour problems at school by now if he was abnormal. also doesn't make sense that he is socially acceptable and he very bright too.

Have you seen studies on teen gaming behaviour? I think games are possibly the root cause of some serious crimes in reality!

I don't know how I'm going to tackle this behaviour yet, but I'm not taking my ds got shrink.

yellowbrickrd Sat 16-Mar-13 23:23:20

Champas, hundreds of thousands of teens over the country are playing these violent games but they are not reacting with violence in real life. I personally can't stand these games but blaming them is not the answer here.

Sorry if i'm labouring the point about your dh - you said clearly above that you were worried he be violent to your ds: Problem with Hubbie, he gets his fists out too quick he may end up hurting ds.

You aren't going to be able to get to deal with this issue by getting into 'the teenage mind set' because, as I said, this is not a 'teenage' reaction, it is abnormal to react so violently and you will be doing your ds a big favour if you get him some professional help asap.

I'll leave it there. Good luck. x

champas Sat 16-Mar-13 23:10:37

Yellow - no violence in our home (never has been)I cart understand ds outburst? I'm worried he's got the attacking behaviour from the psp games he's been playing (blackop s)for e.g.

We've never had any behaviour out if problems with our kids as t sch or home before.

Dh would probably smack kids if pushed very hard but not hurt them. I think I phased it wrongly by Saying 'fists out' I meant he is strict, and stern with them and will discipline by taking all their gadgets quickly.

I think I need to get into the teenage mind set, I've been too busy distracted with work, I've allowed ds to b top independent. But I need to get to know ds properly

yellowbrickrd Sat 16-Mar-13 23:04:37

Champas, I am not trying to make you feel bad, I can see that you feel very bad already but you are going to need more help in this situation than a list of chores and a telling off.

You are exhausted and you haven't got the support you need from your partner, that is why I have advised that you need professional help.

There are a lot of other parents of teens on this thread who have dealt with violence and they will know the best places to go for help.

Your ds has displayed a dangerously violent reaction and he is going to need help now because if it continues he will get himself into serious trouble and make his and your life a misery.

ScottyDoc Sat 16-Mar-13 22:50:24

Yellow I think the OP feels bad enough about all this, and knows what she needs to do. Like its been said, keep laying down the law and you'll get where you need to be.

yellowbrickrd Sat 16-Mar-13 22:40:08

Champas, you just posted that you couldn't tell your dh about the attack because your were worried he would react violently towards your ds.

There's no point trying to excuse your dh's violent behaviour. If he's not using his fists on the kids then who does he use them on?

Ok, you swore and shouted and that's a poor way to behave but it doesn't justify a 13-year-old boy kicking his own mother in the back and nearly pushing her downstairs.

champas Sat 16-Mar-13 22:26:36

Scotty,yellow Bird, I must say no it's not my Hubbie I take the blame for ds assault, this gets worse but I did swear and shout which was out of order at ds. I think I'm burnt out, always have worked fulltime and get tired and ratty especially after late night which we had at weekend. My Hubble would not hurt the kids.

ScottyDoc Sat 16-Mar-13 22:13:16

And your dh getting his fists out wont solve anything believe me. Only teaches the child that violence or aggression is acceptable. My own father did this and as a result I've always had anger issues and a real problem with respecting those in authority. Talking with your ds is also reverse psychology in the sense that it forces him to acknowledge his actions. If he gets hit it simply lets him feel bad and sorry for himself which adds to a feeling of entitlement and contempt towards the parents.

yellowbrickrd Sat 16-Mar-13 22:09:25

x-posted.

I was going to ask in my first post whether he has been set a violent example but thought that might come across a bit insulting. I'm surprised you say you were 'astounded' by your ds' reaction, surely it is not that surprising if he has grown up with a father who reacts to problems by getting his 'fists out'?

ScottyDoc Sat 16-Mar-13 22:09:23

Champas I'm the same as you albeit in the opposite way. I'm strict and find it hard to be a bit softer. My dh pulls me up on it a lot but then to me he is too soft! It's obviously all about balance, so if you carry on with this assertiveness like you are doing now, you will only reap the rewards. Your ds will respect you and see those gadgets of his as a privilege not a right. I would also sit that boy of yours down and tell him in no uncertain terms exactly how it made you feel when he kicked you. And let him know about what you went through to give birth to him. Let him know basically, that you are his mother and deserve only the utmost love snd respect. You will get it only by being firm with rules and by talking openly and honestly with him.

"Problem with Hubbie, he gets his fists out too quick he may end up hurting ds that's why I feel alone dealing with stropping behaviour. "

Is this where your DS has learnt his behaviour then?

yellowbrickrd Sat 16-Mar-13 22:02:58

That was way beyond a teen tantrum, attacking you like that is crossing a dangerous line.

I think you should talk to dh about this attack and then both sit and talk to ds about what happened and how unacceptable it was. It mustn't be left hanging like that. See what his attitude is, if he still seems to be blaming you I would say he needs professional help - maybe counselling where you can go as a family.

Don't give the gadgets back to him for the time being as he seems to be better without them. Tell him the truth - they are having a bad effect on his behaviour and he can't have them back until you feel happy about it.

champas Sat 16-Mar-13 21:57:19

Thanks scottydoc like it! sound advise! I find it hard being assertive though, I know & Ds knows I'm a soft touch.

Problem with Hubbie, he gets his fists out too quick he may end up hurting ds that's why I feel alone dealing with stropping behaviour.

ScottyDoc Sat 16-Mar-13 21:47:15

Have seen way too many kids like this OP. My previous post is harsh but I've seen two family members sitting like gormless idiots in front of their ps3 playing for hours after school. One verbally abused his teacher saying something so vile I won't repeat it on here and also was hauled up for being disruptive and rude during class hours. The other never bothered with schoolwork and as such, hasn't done too well. They were left to play on the ps3 because their mum was too lazy to spend quality time with them and left them to their own devices. It doesn't look good from any angle however you try to see it.

Tortington Sat 16-Mar-13 21:45:46

I told my children i would have them arrested if they ever assaulted me. I would too.

ZZZenAgain Sat 16-Mar-13 21:45:06

That is an extreme reaction from your ds. Why haven't you told dh? Don't you think he should know if his ds uses violence against other members of the family? I would want to know what my dc has done.

Tortington Sat 16-Mar-13 21:44:57

kids need structure - timetables help everyone - its like a list of expectations pinned up where everyone can see - with EVERYONE incl. mum and dad on it.

it could include 1 hour laptop time from 7-8 pm.

gaming seems awesome - your kids fuck off for ages and leave you alone and its longed for respite.

or one of them does - whilst you deal with ongoing dramas fro the other kids at least you don't have to deal with his....

but from experience it is a recipe for disaster.

ScottyDoc Sat 16-Mar-13 21:40:58

Gadgets and all that technology shite aren't good for any teenager. Studies show clear aggression in them brought on by the intensity and emotional involvement in certain games. Your ds does sound spoilt but I think you handled it well by taking the gadgets away and getting him to do chores. The more you lay down the law and the more he is outside or involved in other social activities, the better things will get . Make sure dh is on board too and let him know if he ever thinks its acceptable to physically assault his own mother ever again, he knows where the door is.

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