Rant about selfish DD.

[SGambino21]

All the time our DCs were growing up we tried to have a relatively simple family life. So you can imagine my disgust when DD came home yesterday holding a pair of trainers which she said cost £150. I understand that she works hard so she deserves a treat, but she's surely already got enough shoes.

I sat her down and I tried explaining that £150 is more money than a lot of people her age have to survive on for a month, but she just literally laughed in my face and said "Well they should come work with me and they'll have nice trainers too, bunch of fcking dckheads."

I don't know what's made her become so disrespectful. It could be her new partner, or a new crowd of friends who are bringing her into the 'gay club scene' in our city. She used to be so kind and caring and would stop to talk to the homeless in the town centre. My compassionate little girl has become an egotistical, vain btch almost overnight. We were watching Comic Relief last night while she was getting ready to go out clubbing and when I asked her if she was going to donate she told me to pss off.

What can I do? She's an adult, I can't manage her life or her money. I just wish she'd be more generous. I'm so frustrated, this isn't how I raised her to be.

Rant over, any advice would be much appreciated.

[WishIdbeenatigermum]

Meh. Most people go through a hedonistic phase and only grow out of it when they have to pay their own bills.
Does she pay you rent?

[SGambino21]

She pays £200 in rent a month. That includes food, electric and lifts to her rugby events. She pays her own bills too, her phone/iPad/gym membership.

It's not so much about the money as her lack of respect for her fellow person. I wish she'd volunteer or do something to help those less fortunate than we are. She's only been like this recently, as in a matter of weeks.

[ThatGhastlyWoman]

Hmmm. I doubt that her fundamental character has reversed in any permanent way. Did you never get irritated with your parents ans say things to wind them up?

I'm not sure what you mean, exactly, by the influence of the 'gay clubbing scene'. To me, it sounds as if you've raised an independent young woman who is kicking up her heels a bit at the moment and seeking to find her own way. I've no doubt her values will be fundamentally good ones (no doubt due to a good upbringing). The best I can suggest is to try not to preach to her- wait for her to ask your opinion in future.

[catlady1]

Buying expensive trainers isn't disrespectful to anybody, really. If everyone thought like that then nobody would buy food or other basics just because there are other people in the world who can't afford to. If she's working for her money and paying her rent and bills as a priority, I don't see the problem with that.

I see what you mean about her attitude though. It might just be that she's found some independence and is hanging onto it anyway she can. How old is she? I'm sure she's still a good person at heart and hasn't changed at all, just grown up a bit and maybe got in with some friends who don't have the same values.

[Ipp3]

Maybe she was rude to you because you were so clearly judging her? It is her money that she earned herself to spend as she pleased. She might have been proud to be at a point in her life where she can treat herself like that. Especially at a time when there is so much youth unemployment. Why not try being more generous in terms of your attitude to her? Making clear you are disappointed in, or condemning of, her is unlikely to get a reaction that you desire.

[SavoyCabbage]

To be honest, I think it's ok that she has spent her own money on what she wants, especially if she is paying rent. Perhaps the (dreadful) way she spoke to you was due to anger at you taking the wind from her sails. She was probably feeling proud of herself for earning enough money herself to buy what she wanted.

Do you do any charity work yourself that you could get her involved with?

[SGambino21]

She's 20, 21 very soon though. DD has had pretty much the same friendship group since she was about 5, so I'm quite concerned about this new group. I've seen on their Twitter/Facebook pages that drug use is very common in their circle of friends, as well as casual sex and general misbehaviour. In fact, a very inappropriate photo was posted by DD on her Twitter at about 3am. I'm unsure whether to challenge her about that, it's disgusting and reflects badly on us as her parents.

[LaurieFairyCake]

She's an adult. I think it's very judgemental and pointed to ask if she's going to donate to Comic Relief.

And I think what she buys with her money is her business. How dare you sit her down and have a go at her. I'm sure you've 'wasted' a £150 on shite in the past.

I think you're massively in the wrong. If you don't want to live with someone who makes different choices to you then I suggest you don't.

I also think there's a good argument that she supported the economy by spending that money on trainers.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Just read your latest, you sound horribly judgemental.

Her adult 21 year old behaviour does not reflect on you as parents. Let go ffs.

Maybe instead you could point out that what she wrote exists forever and can be seen by employers?

[FelicityWasCold]

She's twenty?

So not a teenager then.

Sounds like it's time for her to move out. I'd be rude to you as well if you told me off for buying shoes I wanted with my own money.

[cocolocopoco]

if she's paying you what you've asked for in rent, op, I don't think you have any right to question what she spends the rest on.

If you're that cheesed off, make her get her own flat. Problem solved, everyone happier all round.

[RockStock]

Disgusted because she bought a pair of trainers? Not sure what's disgusting about that. If she's earned the money, surely she can buy whatever trainers she wants?

Some of my oldest DD's (university) friends take drugs and party all night. Doesn't mean that my DD takes them, but they're still her friends.

Show me a teen/early twenty something who hasn't ever been rude to their parents and I'll eat my proverbial hat.

[Skullnbones]

She is a grown woman, who pays you rent. Yes you are her parent, but how she spends her residual income is none of your business IMO. If she lived elsewhere, would it be your concern? I moved out of my mums house at 17 because we didn't get on. Our relationship improved immediately because she couldn't see my life under a microscope and therefore didn't judge my decisions. I spent £60 on trainers (16 years ago) and couldn't afford to eat properly for a month. Lesson learnt. She will learn in her own time I am sure. She does sound a little immature, in that the language you describe is how I maybe spoke to my mum when I was 15, and I thought that was her age too. I grew up a lot when I moved out though.

[TrampyPants]

Meh.

[akaemmafrost]

Meh, here too. It's her money, she's paying her way practically. She can spend the rest how she wants.

[WishIdbeenatigermum]

This is why children, I know she's not, but you're thinking of her as one) should go to university, get a crappy shared flat where they can't afford £150 trainers and wouldn't be looking to mum for approval. And not live with their parents post 18/19

[nannyof3]

She pays her way and all her bills... She is entitled to pay herself what she wants...

I think u have a damn cheek to say it maybe the 'gay club scene' thats made her like this !!! Why!?!?!?!?

U say shes a adult- Noone can make her who she is, thats down to her

[nannyof3]

Shes 20 for god sake why are u checking her and her friends twitter/ facebook accounts... U need to chop those apron strings!! Wow!!!

[Startail]

you can comment that £150 is silly money for trainers, I think £50 for converse is daft, but that was DDs choice for their birthdays.

Me and My mum rag my DSIS for her ability at spending money, but she has always worked and paid her way. So we aren't judgy in the style of your OP.

Sorry, she is an adult it is non of your business.

I was 20, when after 6 weeks, DH and I got engaged.

[Ipp3]

Op, having read your latest post I suspect you may be winding us all up.

Drugs, sex and misbehaviour? Sounds like a young life well led to me! She is her own person, not a badge of respectability for you. Stop being so unpleasantly spirited towards her or you will ruin you relationship.