help!!!

(16 Posts)
kelmot Wed 13-Mar-13 11:42:50

hi thank you all i have stopped giving her keys and my son has a safe to lock his things away smile this has been going on since she was about 3 and it seems to get worse yr after yr we took her to the drs when she was 5,7,9 and 12 and they said there was nothing wrong with her as in adhd as she was well behaved in school but since the last yr of school age 15/16 and now through college i am now questioning it as she isnt focused there now like she used to be but more than all that im more worried about her lack of being able to understand what she is doing to people not just her family but her friends too she just recently posted on her fb page im 18 but no one ever invites me out to partys or to do anything fun anymore who wants to go out this wkend? that was 2 wks ago and still today not one message now that to me spells it out but she cannot see that she drops people like rocks then slags off others for doing the same ,
so ive been thinking then maybe its me maybe ive made her like this but then i think all the other children ive looked after would surley have some if not all the traits she has? also i went to parenting classes i have got social services involved and they have done reports saying that she is well looked after and that i am doing basically everything right for her and her emotional state so i really dont know what to do as for emotional turnoil in her life she really hasnt had anything where something happened and then she changed or reacted to it untill recently when she had words with her birth father and now they dont talk i have tried to talk to both of them but he has cut all contact n she wont talk to me i have told her its his loss and to try again when the dust settles and that we love her and we ( myself and her step dad ) allways will we are here for her and if she wants to talk we will listen ect ect
but again its shut down with her its like she puts up walls and only brings them down and lets us in when shes bored or she wants to look good to others or that its going to be benificial to her sureley it cant be that she is just selfish? as my friend sugested
pls pls pls any sugestions gratefully recieved x

AgathaF Tue 12-Mar-13 08:04:40

kelmot - have PM'd you.

DesiderataHollow Tue 12-Mar-13 07:45:59

Stuff obviously. I should not type before I've finished my first cup of coffee.

DesiderataHollow Tue 12-Mar-13 07:45:05

1. Protect your other child. Put a lock on his room so hw can lock his stuff up.
2. Don't replace stuff that she breaks/ loses that belongs to her.

Does she go to school/college/have a job?
Is she likely to want your support to go to university?

Has she always been like this? Have you attempted to change her patterns of distructive behaviour before?
Or has she become much more emotional difficult and confrontational recently? If so it could be that she has another severe problem elsewhere in her life and is testing your love for her in the only way she knows how.

Stop giving her keys. She obviously is not grow-up enought to cope with them.

Find an activity/ that you can do together outside of the home so that you can discuss stiff with her in a neutral place. Preferably somewhere she will look really stupid if she throws a strop.

minmooch Tue 12-Mar-13 07:30:04

I'm sorry I have no advice but did not want to read and run.

It sounds as if your DD is testing every boundary, pushing every button - this must be extremely frustrating and upsetting for you all. I'm not sure what to suggest, hopefully others more experienced will come along.

With regards to keys I think I would not replace them. If she can not safeguard her keys she is not mature enough to have any.

Bearandcub Mon 11-Mar-13 21:53:20

Bump for support

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 11-Mar-13 18:39:09

hi there
WE have moved this to our teenagers topic for you
Hope you can get some support and advice here and in Rl

kelmot Mon 11-Mar-13 02:04:05

ty very much smile

Bearandcub Mon 11-Mar-13 02:02:19

Kelmot

Firstly I think you need to look in the Teenagers section. I have absolutely no advice but didn't want you to wait.

OP = original poster (in this case you)
DC = Darling Child
DD = Darling Daughter

Hope that helps.

kelmot Mon 11-Mar-13 01:30:36

op dd dc? things she does ? well breaks things and i dont mean acccidently and i dont mean a vase here a picture there ect try 2 thousand pounds worth of electrical goods in 1 day ! other things include throwing expensive items in to the bin on collection day so as to hide what she has done and throwing her brothers things away because he has looked after his when hers has long since been broken or lost also lying to us all the time about everything and anything no matter how big or small even tho we have always said we just want the truth she gets in to more trouble for lying than if she is just honest ect she wont let us know when or if she will be home she looses keys all the time 6 in the last 3 wks i cannot afford any of this by the way also talks to not only myself but my husband her brother nan grandad friends anyone whom isnt her friend or her bf basically as if she had just trod in something! also when we have been to drs about her they sent me to a specialist with her and after yrs of trying many many different ways with her they said they had done all they could n that she was just after attention good or bad she doesnt care n to keep trying nothing has ever worked with her we have tried so many times also family and friends to talk with her as an adult to see why she does these things is she unhappy what can we do ect ect and always the same answers nothing she is happy she knows she is horrible but cannot give us a reason as to why nor stop the behaviour.
the only time she has ever been nice to me is when ive been ill and i mean very ill but as soon as im on the mend out of the woods ect she reverts to form .
i am no way an over protective or over bearing parent nor do i beat my children as i had this my self as a child all i have ever wanted is to love be loved and give my kids all that i never had and i have brought up my brothers 2 n sister 4 neices and 3 nephews as well as my children i have brought them all up the same treated them all the same and stuck to all the same rules for all i recieve love respect and kindness form all but my daughter ! i do not expect anything from her that i wouldnt expect from anyone else!
just shown repect for my being my family members my home my pets ect my moto is do un to others as you would have done un to you i desperately want to have a happy harmonious life with my daughter being a part of it but as the years go by i feel her slip further and further away and i mean emotionally parent daughter way not geographically i want to show her off and say thats my daughter and feel proud instead of crying all the time trying to work out what ive done wrong why she hates us?what mood will she be in when i get home from work? ? theres so much more that she does n doesnt do but id be here for a week tring to put it all down please please please any advice gratefully recieved x

HorribleMother Sun 10-Mar-13 17:52:08

OP may be getting her DD's back up. We haven't heard the DD's story about her overbearing clingy mama (or however the DD sees things).
I think it might help OP to get some emotional distance (hence lodger comparison).

I have told DC I will put a boot in their backsides if I don't like living with them when they are 18. But I need to treat them with respect, too.

Shes still her daughter. She doesnt become a lodger on her 18th birthday.

And yes, 18 is legally an adult, but some 18 year olds are really still children.

HorribleMother Sun 10-Mar-13 17:24:36

OP's DD is an adult now, need to start treating her like another adult.

Would you put up with it from a lodger?

What a ridiculous thing to say.

What kind of things are happening OP?

HorribleMother Sun 10-Mar-13 17:15:38

Could look for support in the teenager section.
What is she doing that drives you batty? Would you put up with it from a lodger?

kelmot Sun 10-Mar-13 16:34:51

i know most posts are about young children but my daughter is 18 trouble since the minute she was born lol and now i just dont know how much i can take before i end up throwing her out i really dont want this but she is driving me nuts any tips on making her see she is treating me n the home badly or when is it ok to say ok ur an adult now go ive done all i can ive tried every way possible to make you grow into a young woman but i want you to leave? i love her so much and this hurts to even type but i dont like her! someone pls help sad

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