Self harming 14 yr old DD - do I confess to reading texts?

(8 Posts)
Lostonthemoors Thu 07-Mar-13 03:20:44

You sound like a very caring parent, op and I'm really sorry to hear your dd has these issues at the moment.

Can you deal with it along the lines: I've had an instinct you were self harming and I'm afraid now I've found these. I've booked professional help with xxx and we have an appointment on xxx date.

purrpurr Thu 07-Mar-13 03:07:16

At this point the fact that trust has been broken by you reading her texts is practically irrelevant. Just start with the truth and go from there. Don't get the GP to raise the issue, that's absurd. Trust can be rebuilt, the fact that you snooped will not cause permanent damage to your relationship with her. Don't fob this issue off on your GP. A GP isn't a trained mental health professional, and they are not your DD's parent. Start by being her parent, be supportive but honest so you don't have to tangle yourself up in any lies about how you know she self harms, and go from there. Don't palm this off on the GP to pick up. They're not all modern, respectful folk you know. You might well get a GP who hisses 'It's Self Mutilation And Is Very Wrong' at your DD. Always helpful. Not. Or, even better (worse): 'You Are Only Doing This For Attention. Stop It.' About as much use as a chocolate fire guard.

roseyfuture Wed 06-Mar-13 22:25:26

Many thanks to all. Problem is the stash is deeply hidden and not something i could have just come across. She is extremely secretive on getting dressed and has own bathroom so tricky to see the cuts/scars (despite her text saying she has loads of them). She describes in her texts how desperately unhappy and worthless she feels but feels guilty for feeling this way.... so am wondering whether to get her to the GP on the basis of my worry for her state of mind and then leave to GP to raise the self harm issue (I could email in advance).

someoftheabove Wed 06-Mar-13 08:30:05

Agree with all previous posters. There's no need for her to know you've been looking at her texts. But thank goodness you did in this case, though I wouldn't normally advocate it. You need to act now. Even if she doesn't mean to seriously harm herself, she could do by accident, so go with your instincts and get her to the GP.

purrpurr Wed 06-Mar-13 00:30:55

Agreed with previous, stumble over her stash, or her getting changed. Don't leave it any later. It might be useful for both you and your DD if you do some reading up on self harm too. There are various different reasons for self harm. It's unlikely the first medical professional you encounter will get it right. Don't let anyone make your DD feel ashamed.

ripsishere Wed 06-Mar-13 00:16:56

Agree with grunt. While I have no experience personally of this, I would do anything to help my DD.
I would try to stumble over her stash of blades or into her room/bathroom while she is undressed.
The very fact that she is responsive to stuff about her bulimia is hopeful.

Gruntfuttocks Tue 05-Mar-13 23:59:31

You definitely need professional help, this is way beyond what you can deal with yourself. You don't need to confess to reading text messages - couldn't you just discover the razor blades etc in a tidy-up / collecting washing session. Or engineer a way to see her arms / legs - most likely sites for cutting.

roseyfuture Tue 05-Mar-13 23:56:54

Last year I discovered that my DD1 was bulimic. We have been working through this together as she refused professional help. i was aware of her interest on websites of self harming but she said she had never done or considered it.

I now feel absolutely gutted to discover today that she has actually been cutting herself with razor blades for the last 2 years. The problem is I have found this out by reading through messages on her phone (she is confiding in an unknown person on Ask.FM - another cause for concern that comms has come offline and into direct texting...). i have spoken to her teacher at school today who has been fantastic/supportive - he is firmly of the opinion that i need to go to the GP with DD to seek professional help. Whilst i agree, i am worried about shattering trust and relationship with DD as I will have to admit to reading through her messages. (BTW a further rummage through her bedroom has revealed stash of razor blades and elastoplast.)

Any advice please?

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