So I checked my 14YO DD's facebook last night and.......

(32 Posts)
whatishappening1976 Mon 04-Mar-13 16:17:18

She has been talking to a boy from he school that she likes, which I have no problem with, some of the things he has said to her however I am not happy about!

A part of the conversation went like this;

Him - you need to run off into the sunset with me
Her - I will don't worry - what we gonna do after we run off into the sunset
Him - yayayayaya bang all day long
Her - ...............
Him - without a condom
Her - that's er lovely - I was thinking maybe we could go somewhere but no
Him - we can go Southend afterwards
Her - Yay how cool are we
Him - we can ride the roller coaster which means you'll be riding two roller coasters
Her - Yay - what wait? HAHA
Him - my dicks the roller coaster jesus get with it
Her - I am with it I'm jiggy with it - I just realised how wrong that sounds

Then it goes onto talking about school.

Now I know that she doesn't respond in the same tone as he is talking to her. But I just do not want her talking to someone who is talking like that. She has told me many times that she really likes this boy, and they often talk on Skype, and are with each other a lot at school.

What if he asks he to go out with him, and she wants to meet up with him alone or something?

I do not want to tell her not to talk to him again, they are both part of the same group of friends, most of whom seem lovely - I have met all of the girls and some of the boys but not this one.

I am also sure that most of what he said was just him trying to make himself sound big and clever.

I just do not know what to say to her, I cannot pretend I have not seen it. She is only 14 and he is the same age, just do not know what to think!!!!

Advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!!!!!!! Thanks

skyblue11 Fri 29-Mar-13 20:08:44

How did it go? What's he like?

whatishappening1976 Fri 29-Mar-13 09:51:44

Have come up with a compromise. I am going to take her and DS (and mindee) to McDonalds for lunch, which is right next to where they are meeting.

That way when food is finished we can walk out and he will be waiting for her, she can walk over to him then wave bye to us and I can just have a look at him, make sure he is indeed a 14 year old boy and not some sort of weirdo.

Then me, DS and mindee will be at the local cinema and if she needs me I am around for a couple of hours.

God I am so nervous!!!!!

CabbageLeaves Fri 29-Mar-13 09:40:14

I think you're being unreasonable smile

You've got to equip her with confidence and self esteem so she does what she wants and doesn't bow to pressure.

I think it's tragic that Fairyliz wrote her Dd doesn't wish to perform oral sex on her first date and some girls feel this pressure. Awful. Thanks porn

skyblue11 Fri 29-Mar-13 09:38:21

I am sure she'd be embarrassed any teen would, last year DD went to a shopping mall, met this lad and then I met them later as she was having a lift with me, that way I got to see him face to face, you could do that?
Try not to worry too much, he was only talking that way to impress her, it what they do, and she sounds very sensible anyway

whatishappening1976 Fri 29-Mar-13 09:33:21

Dragging this one up again, he asked her out and she is meeting him today, just the two of them!

I want to meet him, just to say hello then leave her to do her thing, but she is so embarrassed at the thought of it. Am I being unreasonable to want to meet him before she spends time alone with him?

lljkk Sat 09-Mar-13 20:05:42

He's immature. It's all talk. He's still figuring out how to flirt. His mind would implode if he got his hands on a real life nubile girl. She knows that intuitively.

whatishappening1976 Thu 07-Mar-13 11:49:33

Hello, thanks for all of your messages!

I am going to take her out at the weekend, just the two of us, and have a chat about it. I did tell her when she first got her FB, phone and laptop that by having them she agrees to me checking them anytime I want, not to snoop, but for her protection! She also knows that I often go on her facebook to send myself lives on silly games and things. As a rule I don't check, and on this occasion only logged on to make sure I was right before telling her off as my facebook that she was chatting online way past her bedtime lol (and she wasn't, she is generally a good girl) so it is just by chance that I saw the messages.

I know that girls can be just as bad as boys but am 99.9% sure she would not say things like this, she didn't even respond in the same kind of tone. She has told me that a couple of her friends have done things (hand jobs - they're 13!!!!) which makes me think that she is in no way ready for such a thing and will be more sensible. Just worried that if she does go out with this boy that he may try and pressure her?

Going to talk to her about respect, and how she needs make sure that any boy she dates respects her and how she needs to respect herself!

Fingers crossed after that I think!

ssd Wed 06-Mar-13 21:18:08

I've seen plenty of smutty texts from 13 yr old girls, it sure isnt all one way

SavoyCabbage Tue 05-Mar-13 20:26:02

Shit a brick, I am nowhere near ready for all of this.

its definitely not just boys. 10 year old girls are just as capable of texting smut to boys.

Petalpink Tue 05-Mar-13 20:13:23

Don't read such things then you won't have to worry about what to do.

Instead talk to your daughter about relationships, safe sex etc. you want to ensure that your daughter feels she can trust you and come to you for advice if needed. It is possible if you tell her you have read her Facebook that you will loose all trust, she will feel embarrassed and them push her away from you.

Maryz Tue 05-Mar-13 20:07:16

Yes, so many things have been "normalised" by the easily availability of porn.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Mar-13 19:54:12

And some people believe porn is "harmless"

skyblue11 Tue 05-Mar-13 17:15:28

I agree with Mary, you can't look at them forever and it's not just boys the language that some of my DD's friends use is obscene. Maybe it's just banter but I wouldn't have talked to my friends like that.

I heard on the radio yesterday about how many sex offences there are with younger children, boys and girls who are able to view porn online and how that has attributed to it, I am sure this is the case but sadly porn probably gives a distorted view.

How sad that like Fairy said what's wrong with good old snogging why do they insist on so much more so soon it's such a shame....I hate the sexting it cheapens relationships I worry about it but it appears it's the 'norm' what will things be like in 20 years? I wonder how our grandparents would view all of this given that some didn't know owt about sex before marriage!

Maryz Tue 05-Mar-13 12:29:50

To be fair, it isn't just boys who talk like this.

It really isn't - ds has blocked a couple of girls who have done similar and made him feel very uncomfortable. And I've seen messages from dd's friends that are shocking.

It's teenage "banter" - I think it's awful, but it isn't just the boys.

Fairyliz Tue 05-Mar-13 12:27:38

I have two teenage daughters and yes this is how boys talk nowadays, disgusting isn't it.
I had boyfriends from the age of 14 and no none of them ever spoke to me like this so I think it is a modern phenonema. From talking to my daughters it seems that most girls go one way or another from the age of about 14. They either adopt the slutty porn star type attitude and do what ever boys want and get the reputation to go with it; or they become nun like, my 19 year old daughter still has half a dozen friends who have never even kissed a boy!
What happen to a good old snog at 14/15?
There does seem to be a few 'nice' boys around who treat girls with respect but they seem to be few and far between. My 16 year old would love to have a boyfriend but doesn't want to perform oral sex on a first date which seems to be what is expected.
I really have no answers just feel terribly sad when I think about it.

flow4 Tue 05-Mar-13 10:00:04

Yup, sounds pretty normal to me too. It's horrible, isn't it?

Though to be fair, I suspect that teenagers throughout history have spoken to each other, um, lewdly - it's just that now (a) they spend more time at home so we encounter or witness more of it, and (b) they do it in writing on FB and text, so there's often a record of it for us to find. hmm

sandyballs Tue 05-Mar-13 09:43:04

Sweet Jesus I'm so not ready for all this shock

AnyFucker Tue 05-Mar-13 09:38:19

That sounds like normal teenage banter to me

Sadly

I wouldn't break your dd's trust to tackle her directly on that conversation. Just carry on trying to educate her in a general way about what is/isn't appropriate behaviour and give her the tools to look out for herself

ssd Tue 05-Mar-13 09:36:14

so have I -just saying hmm

Maryz Tue 05-Mar-13 09:31:01

Of course I've had the conversation hmm. Lots of times. And I said above that they have both come to me with difficult issues, and dealt with them well.

As they get older there really isn't much option but crossing your fingers and coping - you can't obsessively check all their pm's forever.

sweetfluffybunnies Tue 05-Mar-13 09:11:59

'crossing your fingers and hoping' actually doesn't sound like a very good strategy to me - just saying.

At the very least you need to have an open and honest conversation about these issues so that your dc know they can come to you with any problems.

I would wait a few days and then mention in passing that you heard a thing on the radio about the sexting phenomenon and that [invent statistic]% og girls have been sent suggestive or inappropriate messages by their male friends.

Say that you don't want her to have to put up with that, and offer to play the part of a 'strict parent' that she can use as an excuse if she ever feels uncomfortable.

So if she ever gets a text or message that makes her feel uncomfortable, she can reply 'my mum is really strict and reads all my messages'. Tell her that you don't actually have to read all her messages, it's just what she can tell people as a safety net.

ssd Tue 05-Mar-13 08:05:25

I feel the same. I read on here all the time about checking your dc's fb and texts but to me it feels like snooping too much. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping I've taught them sense.

Maryz Mon 04-Mar-13 23:16:26

I don't any more ssd. I did when they were younger (up to teenage), and I can still see their Facebook pages. But they are 14 and 16 now, so I really don't think I could check their pm's without telling them - and they certainly wouldn't give me permission.

Having said that, both have been very responsible so far (touch wood) and both have told me about different problems in school relating to FB bullying - of other children, not them, and ds2 dealt very well with a pretty nasty situation involving a girl in his class and some very inappropriate photographs, so I think I have to trust them (while frantically crossing fingers) at this stage.

dd changed her password the day I asked her about something that happened at school and she thought I had been checking up, but in fact I hadn't. I did want to, I just felt it was too much like reading a diary.

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