I don't even know where to start! The last 3 weeks have been nightmare and I am seeking advice on how to proceed. 16 year old Daughter is a straight A student and we have never had any problems. Three weeks ago we found out she is sexually active with her 15 year old BF. She tells us it happened 3 times and always with a condom.
I feel so disappointed and ashamed of her and am trying to work past that. Aside from the obvious conversations about sex, emotions, conversations with BF parents...here are the restrictions we imposed: -2 week no contact -blocked him from her cell phone as we believed it was texting that led to this -they could talk only on the home phone in shared rooms -no unsupervised contact for a very long time -Birth control
Over this 3 week time period she informed us that she was considering breaking up. Her monitored communications with her friends supported indicated she was being honest. We could only hope as we have never liked this kid.
A week ago I found out they had found away around texting by using an email account I did not know about. She was telling him she need her space. He was very aggressive in his responses. Eventually his messages turned very sexual. I mean offensively sexual! For the most part she was not replying the same way but not shutting him down either. However, things like if you dont...I need...I love you...someone else will...
Last night the messages became so offensive I wanted to vomit. She does not know I am monitoring her cell phone at this level. I feel like we have to step in and tell her either she ends the relationship or we will. Everything I read says you can't block her from seeing him or you will make it worse! However, she is very calm and I am not sure that would be her reaction. Just the fact that she stepped back to consider a breakup tells me she may actually welcome this action. I know I could be totally wrong on this though.
Her last communication of the night was that she had decided to stay together and apologized for making him go elsewhere for his touching needs. This is the part that I am most upset about. That she apologized for him cheating on her.
Do we talk to her in generalities hoping to help guide her to the right decision or do we step in and let her know we have seen the messages, tell her the relationship is over, contact his parents and share the emails and ask them to support our wishes? (which I believe they would do.)
I cant even come close to figuring out the right thing to do here.
OP, in the nicest possible way, you need to calm down and get a grip. It is perfectly normal to be sexually active at 16. Having a boyfriend doesn't necessarily mean detracting from being a straight A student but you kicking up a fuss like this is more likely to do so! Your daughter needs support and encouragement and to know that you are behind her 100% no matter what. Fwiw, I was sexually active at 16, still got straight A's all through as did my then boyfriend. We stayed together and married 12 years later. The fact that my family welcomed him with open arms and vice versa has made our lives immeasurably easier.