16 year old daughter sexually active

(76 Posts)
counter Wed 20-Feb-13 20:32:20

I don't even know where to start! The last 3 weeks have been nightmare and I am seeking advice on how to proceed. 16 year old Daughter is a straight A student and we have never had any problems. Three weeks ago we found out she is sexually active with her 15 year old BF. She tells us it happened 3 times and always with a condom.

I feel so disappointed and ashamed of her and am trying to work past that. Aside from the obvious conversations about sex, emotions, conversations with BF parents...here are the restrictions we imposed:
-2 week no contact
-blocked him from her cell phone as we believed it was texting that led to this
-they could talk only on the home phone in shared rooms
-no unsupervised contact for a very long time
-Birth control

Over this 3 week time period she informed us that she was considering breaking up. Her monitored communications with her friends supported indicated she was being honest. We could only hope as we have never liked this kid.

A week ago I found out they had found away around texting by using an email account I did not know about. She was telling him she need her space. He was very aggressive in his responses. Eventually his messages turned very sexual. I mean offensively sexual! For the most part she was not replying the same way but not shutting him down either. However, things like if you dont...I need...I love you...someone else will...

Last night the messages became so offensive I wanted to vomit. She does not know I am monitoring her cell phone at this level. I feel like we have to step in and tell her either she ends the relationship or we will. Everything I read says you can't block her from seeing him or you will make it worse! However, she is very calm and I am not sure that would be her reaction. Just the fact that she stepped back to consider a breakup tells me she may actually welcome this action. I know I could be totally wrong on this though.

Her last communication of the night was that she had decided to stay together and apologized for making him go elsewhere for his touching needs. This is the part that I am most upset about. That she apologized for him cheating on her.

Do we talk to her in generalities hoping to help guide her to the right decision or do we step in and let her know we have seen the messages, tell her the relationship is over, contact his parents and share the emails and ask them to support our wishes? (which I believe they would do.)

I cant even come close to figuring out the right thing to do here.

counter Wed 20-Feb-13 21:43:50

Ok the last time I checked you are not an adult until you are 18 In this country. Also, I pay for her phone, Internet, car, food, house...I do not pay for these services for her to be abused by a sick teen boy. If it were on her dime I agree I would have no say. She has been told she could be monitored from day one and was reminded of this a week ago.

Sorry to disagree but I do think it better for girls to wait a little longer before becoming sexually active. I understand it happens which is why we put her on BC. The punishment was because of the lying.

The issue here is how she is allowing this boy to treat her.

counter Wed 20-Feb-13 21:48:21

They were allowed contact on the phone.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Wed 20-Feb-13 21:49:17

It doesn't matter what you think though, it's her body and her choice. You sound over the top and i agree with the others that all this will do is make her more intent on seeing him.

harbinger Wed 20-Feb-13 21:53:19

counter you are on a forum in the UK where the age of consent is 16.

You sound horribly controlling. In your opinion, you might think it's better for girls to wait. But your daughter didn't. Is this what your upset about?

Have you actually tried talking to her about the way the lad is treating her? Or have you just come down on her like a ton of bricks for no real reason, without discussing anything with her? She's not a child anymore. She's a young lady. Try treating her like one.

Viviennemary Wed 20-Feb-13 21:58:37

Well for a start the boy is underage as he is only 15. I think she is far too young to be thinking about having sex. What a shame this has become the acceptable norm.

usualsuspect Wed 20-Feb-13 21:58:55

She needs to trust you,Do you think controlling her will achieve that?

I went to Church my whole life. I had my first serious boyfriend at her age and eventually we had sex when I was 17. I wasn't sensible and used the withdrawal method as I was too ashamed of it all and embarrassed to go and see a FPC or my GP to go on BC or to buy condoms. I ended up taking a lot of risks at the time because of my parents strong and controlling views. It did cause me to confide in her a lot less. It wasn't helpful.

It must be a shock and you sound very disappointed and angry but you need to take a deep breath and start thinking about the advice on this thread. You will drive her away from you and affect her choices. She may rebel even more. She's the legal age and quite frankly it's only natural for her to want to have sex at her age. You need to balance this all carefully and decide on the way forward.

I'm only 34 but I remember being her age. Do not tell her you've been reading her e-mails.

You sound like an utter loon.

All you are going to do is push her further away and be even more secretive and I don't think anyone would blame her.

EnjoyResponsibly Wed 20-Feb-13 22:03:33

OP I believe you are taking a hammer to crack a walnut here.

She's behaved responsibly thus far, reflecting her values and education. It's unlikely she'll stray too far from these without some sort of external upset that's YOU BTW.

The BF does sound like a fucking shit. I agree with others saying take the tack of abusive relationship = bail as fast as possible and run like the clappers.

Tread carefully and with respect OP. You risk fucking this up in an irretrievably awful way.

You will loose her, it's that simple.

WMDinthekitchen Wed 20-Feb-13 22:27:09

According to the Sexual Offences Act 2003 your daughter (who is of the age of consent) has been sleeping with an underage boy. How would you feel if his parents appeared protesting about that...?

This is clearly very difficult for you but she is 16 and has been having safe sex. My concern would be for his treatment of her but I would not read her emails and if she finds out that you have, you risk alienating her. At what stage are you considering letting her take responsibility rather than helicoptering?

DD was having sex (safe) with her BF at 15y 6m - the issue for me was more that he was lazy and mysogynstic than the fact he was having sex with her. I refrained from nagging her or being overtly critical of him which required nerves of steel. Eventually she saw him for what he was and finished with him when he was fooling around with someone else. She did very well in her exams, is at university and her current BF is lovely.

worley Wed 20-Feb-13 22:32:07

op the issue here is your daughters lifestyle choices not your lifestyle choices. don't project your preferences on to her. the boys issues are for his parents to deal with. the emails may have been offensive to you but not necessarily to your daughter if she wasnt shutting him down straight away. yes she shouldn't be apologising but she has to learn this her self from her own mistakes. and she will learn if you let her before you push her away from her security.

shellyf Wed 20-Feb-13 22:40:31

My main worry would be him being under the age of consent.Sixteen year old males have been placed on sex offenders lists for having sex with their fifteen year old girlfriends.May sound crazy but it is true .I have regular,intensive child protection training and also deliver this training to others.(UK).

VivaLeBeaver Wed 20-Feb-13 22:47:05

You'll drive them together if you react like how you're planning. She'll dump him of her own accord soon enough. Stop snooping on her emails and have a general talk about how she should never put up with shitty blokes.

catlady1 Wed 20-Feb-13 22:47:43

I understand that it's not nice to see your little girl growing up, but seriously, she sounds very mature to me! Apart from the staying with him after he cheated on her thing, but then plenty of adults do that too. She's having protected sex. Do you expect her to never have sex? When would be an acceptable age for her to start?

Having overbearing parents can make you very insecure, so that might be part of the reason she's shown such a lack of self esteem in getting back together with this lad and blaming herself for him cheating. I remember when I was that age (not that long ago), I was the only one out of my group of friends who was ever grounded. I used to hate having to explain to my friends that I couldn't go out because my dad had told me I wasn't allowed to when I was sixteen years old. My friends all had boyfriends and I never did, because I'd inevitably be grounded or have my phone taken off me for something ridiculous at some point, and I'd have been mortified to have to explain it to a boyfriend so I had one night stands instead.

This boy sounds like a waste of space but she needs to make her own mistakes. If you don't let her she might well end up doing silly things just to feel a bit of a sense of independence. Or she might get a job and move out and you won't see her again.

perceptionreality Thu 21-Feb-13 00:55:13

OP, your daughter is nearly an adult. It is not unconditonal parenting to suggest you have the right to run her life just because you pay for her internet and phone etc - my mum had that attitude and I will not be doing it with my daughters. You should not use money to manipulate and control.

I agree with whoever it was who said that you should (kindly) be teaching her about being in an abusive relationship but not putting pressure on her about who she goes out with or judging her for having sex. She is after all, over the age of consent.

Maryz Thu 21-Feb-13 19:36:16

You do realise he is underage don't you?

I just thought I would mention it, because if this was the other way around (16 year old boy with 15 year old girl) you might look on the 15 year old as being the victim".

Have you spoken to her about that?

CheeseStrawWars Thu 21-Feb-13 19:44:35

I would tell her that you are worried about the dynamics of her relationship - don't tell her you snooped - and show her Mme Lindor's blog post on red flags of abusive relationships and tell her you are here for her if she wants to talk about it.

MmeLindor Thu 21-Feb-13 22:37:10

Thanks for linking to my blog, Cheese, and for seeing something that many have missed in their haste to condemn the OP for snooping.

While I don't think that you should have read her messages, I understand that you did it out of concern for your daughter, and I am presuming that there was something that happened before for you to say that you didn't like the boy?

Please ask your daughter to read the blog post that Cheese linked to, and talk to her about relationships.

Tell her that the best answer to any pressure along the lines of 'if you loved me, you would have sex with me, is to respond, 'if you loved me, you wouldn't mind waiting'.

I don't think that you can decide for your daughter when and with whom she has sex, but it is a good idea to help her recognise if the relationship is a healthy one.

Fairylea Thu 21-Feb-13 22:44:44

Oh... because only terrible, awful, stupid girls (not straight a ones) have sex at 16, the age of consent, with their boyfriends, using a condom ?

Wtf.

The boyfriend may be a complete idiot. But she needs to learn this for herself and it sounds like she is - so keep out of it and support as necessary.

The sex issue is separate.

And you shouldn't be "monitoring" her calls etc!! It's so wrong and frankly creepy.

TinyDiamond Fri 22-Feb-13 00:21:32

you sound a bit scary. you need to back off a bit or you'll lose her.

flow4 Sat 23-Feb-13 00:37:29

Counter, your post is very puzzling; I can't work it out at all... You have come down very hard on your DD, yet I can't really be sure why...

On the one hand, it looks like you are punishing her for just having sex - but she is above the legal age of consent, and has used contraception... So she has acted legally and responsibly, and is still keeping up with her studies, so punishing her doesn't make much sense to me; I would have thought in fact that she deserved praise for handling a new situation well... confused

Even more worryingly, some of the things you say imply that you are actually punishing her for being abused (e.g. "I do not pay for these services for her to be abused by a sick teen boy" ). This makes even less sense to me: if you think the relationship she is in is abusive, then surely she needs your help and support, not your condemnation? confused sad Punishment in these circumstances seems inappropriate at best, and actively abusive at worst. You think your DD is being abused, but you are acting as if it is 'her fault'. It reminds me of people who blame girls for getting raped, or say a woman who gets hit must have 'asked for it'.

If your DD is in an abusive relationship, as you fear, punishment is the very last thing that will help her. She needs to gain confidence and learn to identify risks and make decisions for herself. As you describe it, you are taking away her control over her own life choices - and that will make her much more vulnerable to abuse - not just in this relationship, but in her other future relationships too.
You'll find some more information about surviving abuse here .

BookWormery Sat 23-Feb-13 00:44:19

Flow4 sounding very smart.

"If you don't stop being abused I will punish you and cut your phone off!" Think about it OP.

rhondajean Sat 23-Feb-13 00:47:06

Crikey.

Your dd has done nothing wrong at all.

If there is a problem here, its that her confidence and self esteem are low enough to allow her to be manipulated by this boy. Perhaps rather than tear in with how disappointed you are, the conversation is about how proud you are of her for making sensible decisions about using condoms and protecting herself and how she is worth more than staying with a boy just because he threatens her.

And I thought I was a control freak confused

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