14 year old dd is a nightmare!!(8 Posts)
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ok so this is a bit long winded... for the last 12 months my dd as turned into a horrible brat. She lived with me up til may last year then her dad who isn't reliable, moves away, loses contact ect (but the kids worship him) moved back into the area. dd made life unbearable at home, starting fights with her younger siblings, rude aggressive to me, ran away from home numerous times ext so she went to live with her dad, thinking the grass would be greener it wasnt, so she made a false allegation to ss that he had hit her and moved back home to me after 3 months. She was really good and well behavied for 6 weeks then she started again and because of the alegations that she had made her brother who lives with his dad wouldn't come to mine if she was there, so she started staying at grandparnets who dote on her. They cant or won't see her behaviour even though 90% of the family don't speak to dd because of how vile she is towards nearly everyone, she has an aunt and uncle who she is lovely with and the grandparents but everyone else can see her what a horrible person she is. Her grandparents sent her home because she started with them a couple of weeks before xmas. At xmas she hit me, because i asked her to clean her room, i rang the police and they have told her that if she hits anyone else in the household she will be arrested. Fast forward to yesterday... grandparents are now speaking to her again like all that she has done is now forgotton, she was supposed to be sleeping at her other aunties but asked could she sleep at grandparents instead, was told no, so she punched her 12 year old brother 3 times, my sister after brother left hers locked the doors so dd jumped through the kitchen window and went to grandparents. I spoke to grandparents and told them what she had done, the great escape through the window, hitting her brother and the vile names she called us and they don't think it is a problem.... they are letting her get away with murder. But because this her safe haven, no they won't turn her away, she is getting worst with me and her siblings. In a few months i am planning to move 25 miles away from where i live, for a fresh start, i'm worried that dd won't want to come and has she has this safe haven with grandparents, don't know how i can make her without her running back here every 5 mins and making a fresh start a nightmare. She is failing at school, stealing, smoking. I have spoken to grandparents about sticking with me their daughter but they won't, it's a small town i live in so banning contact would be futile as she would activly ignore it or get violent with me and they would not enforce it anyway. any advice would be great
I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult. Children react very differently to divorce and it doesnt sound as she has coped very well and is taking out her anger and frustrations on those closest. It sounds like it must have been violent at home for you to call the police and I understand you are worried for her siblings. . On the positive side, it does sound like you have an extended close family.
You dont say how old she is, but if most of the family don't speak to her, that must also be very difficult for a young girl, who is struggling to control her emotions. Her self esteem sounds low. Bouncing around from house to house, doesn't feel very safe and secure and it does sound like the situation needs a calm and consistent, practical approach to addressing her behaviour and its effect on others.
From my own experience of unhappy teens, I would advise firstly you seek support from your GP, maybe some CBT skills to help you handle the problems practically without too much emotion. I dont think she is a horrible vile person, she's a very angry confused child who needs support to change her behaviour- I would advise going to camhs if she will, (maybe asking the schools advice and help) and getting her individual therapy and then asking for family therapy. Her anger seems quite extreme, so maybe they can assess if anything else is going on and give her strategies to cope too.
It sounds terrible and I do understand your frustration and wanting a fresh start but I can't see that things can get better for you if someone doesnt take responsiblity to work with her on understanding why she is acting out so badly. Try to keep family on side, as it does sound like they care about her and you. I certainly don't think you should go down the line of banning contact until you have exhausted all avenues of professional support, therapeutic and maybe social services, and if she isnt at school, maybe the pupil referral unit. good luck.
hi, thanks for replying, me and her dad have been divorced for 6 years so it's not a recent thing and her behaviour started less than 12 months ago. Social Services were involved after her allegation there conclusion was that she was being a "little monkey " and trying to play people off against each other to get her own way. She is attending school, they organised group councelling(after her relationship with her dad broke down after the false allegation) which she attended but didnt like because the attention wasn't all on her so asked for individual councelling. The councellor told her she didnt need any kind of counceling. She is confidant, out-going and doesn't have a low self-esteem this is according to school,and the councellor but they also noted that she does thrive on causing trouble, she loves being centre of attention but never in a nice way. She doesn't appear to be depressed, can be very pleasant when she is getting her own way it is only when she is told no that she starts, school arn't concerned about her behaviour or fall in school work, she is a normal teenager! My biggest concern at the minute is what to do if she out right refuses to move with us, yes the grandparents will take her in and in all honesty they are a bigger problem than dd at the minute.As for going to the docs, anyone in authority depending on her mood, she is rude to , the docs, the dentist ext more to get at me, knowing that she has embarressed me in front of other people, she does it all the time in front of friends and certain family members. thanks so much for your reply.
Now, I haven't got a teenager yet so my contribution may be wildly off the mark as dd is only 10.
Unless she is doing something downright dangerous I would ignore the bad behaviour. If she's trying to embarrass you, then just smile at whomever is with you and roll your eyes like you would with a toddler. Let it wash over you, but (and you might not feel like it if she's being that much of a pita) praise her when things are going well. Even small inconsequential things. Just as you would with a toddler. I'd also have a family meeting, with your extended family onside and talk through ground rules. She is 14, still a child and she may be pushing so hard as she's testing to see if you really love her. It sounds as if she's been through a lot and doesn't know how to deal with it.
thanks for replying fieldfare, feels so much better having a rant on here and reading everyone else's input. going to try what you have said when out and praising her for the little things she does.
I think the key thing for you is getting your extended family onside. Yes, it's nice for her to know that she is loved and wanted by her gp, however not to the detriment of your family life. They need to know that they're actually making the situation worse by not being consistent.
Punching people is totally out of order and I'd be tempted to call your local PCSO to see if they could come and have a chat and possibly show her the cells at the station. She's responsible for her own actions and no matter how much she feels like lashing out its just not on.
If you found something to do just the 2 of you, would she go do you think? Like an exercise class or an evening class in something she's interested in?
like i said family is a massive problem but dd is there favorite grandchild they can see no wrong in her, even when they are on the receiving end of her they don't talk til she has apoligised then it is all forgotton. grandparents have 9 grandkids all together but they are only interested in 2 of them. my dd being one of them!! they have all the time in the world for her, buy her things constasntly basically spoil her rotton and no matter what she does they excuse it or im over reacting, she headbutted me at xmas and they still defended her!!! if it was any of the other grandkids they would have come down on them like a ton of bricks, so getting them onside is a no go hence the fresh start away from here and them. only moved back her when my marriage broke down after living away for 9 years, worst mistake of my life!!! any advice about moving and getting dd to come would be greatly appreciated thanks in advance
oh and they would love nothing better than for her to live with them full time, as it is she is there every weekend and school holidays because i cant afford to give her money and buy her things like they can so she loves it there
a) she gets money daily.
b) gets boughts new clothes ect weekly.
c) she can stay in bed all day if she wants, here she shares a room with her 4 year old sister, so not really an optin.
she has her own room at grandparents.
so all in all i think if i was 14 i would want to live ther too , thanks for any advice.