Help - mums with experience, advice please! 16 teen wants to sleepover(14 Posts)
Hi, very new to this website, and very nervious to type.
My 16 year old daughter is in relationship with 16 year old boy, they've been seeing eachother for 4 weeks. She has just asked me if she can sleep over at his house on Saturday night. On the one hand I'm pleased she's asked - instead of lying and making it happen through deceipt. Also, I have met his parents when I picked her up last week, they're very nice. But on the negatives: she's just failed all her GCSE mocks, she has just started a course of therapy to deal with her relationship issues (friends and family),and I feel that by saying 'ok' to this, I am endorsing what I consider to be an adult sexual realationship - staying overnight/weekends etc - it's what adults do, not school kids, which, she still is. Am I being outdated in this modern world? I'm losing my mind as I don't want to make the wrong decision, and yet I don't want to be guilted into making a decision either. She has very low self esteem, and is desperate for this relationship to succeed - other boyfriends have literally lasted days. I think they've already had sex....
Any top tops from mothers would be greatly appreciated, thank you. She is my only daughter - she lives with me and her step father (who is 100% against saying yes) and her biological father is just in the throes of a messy divorce - so lots of problems there for her.
Sorry I haven't used all the codes and shorthands!
sorry - just read my message - it looks like her biolical father lives with us - he DOES NOT live with us!! We separated when she was a baby!
Tricky one as you would rather know what was going on in her life than keep it a secret from you. 4 weeks isn't a very long time though is it? (Eternity in teenage years) I think given her issues at the moment I would be inclined to have a woman to woman chat with her and say its too early days yet for sleepovers, if they intend on getting down to business you need to make sure she will be protected from pregnancy and std's.
Her desperation to make it work worries me, you can't make someone love you. Lots of embarrassing heart to hearts I think.
Will they be sharing a bed at this sleepover, or separate bedrooms?
I'd say no - 4 weeks is far too soon to start sleeping over at anyone's house, let alone a boyfriend's house.
If they've had sex, then that's up to them - you don't have to condone it by allowing sleepovers if you don't want to.
Could you offer for them to stay over at yours instead? That way you could be sure it was in separate rooms but it's not just a hard 'no'.
I would be quite matter of fact about the separate rooms. No discussion, just make up the spare bed as though nothing else could possibly occur to you!
Let them bring up the sharing as a next step.
Also hide any anxiety for the time being. Be as welcoming and positive as you can while giving them plenty of space and privacy.
You'll also get to know her bf better and, in my experience, the house they stay over at most in the beginning tends to be the one they hang out at more often. That way you can keep tabs on things and raise any issues with your daughter in a way that makes her feel trusted and respected.
You sound like a lovely mum. She's lucky to have you.
If she'd been going out with him for longer, having met his parents and ascertained that they're nice and that they're okay about her staying over, I'd let her, but 4 weeks doesn't seem very long. Also her worrying performance at school is unlikely to be helped by sleepovers.
I'd tell her to wait until the easter holidays. That might have less impact on her school work and they'll have either been going out for longer or broken up.
I wouldn't be too heavy with her about having sex. Try to build up her self-esteem by praising her for being kind/sensible/whatever and don't let her see that you're anxious about her relationship with this boy. Try to be 'that's nice' about him in the same way you comment on new clothes or the weather - if you're obviously concerned about her relationship, she will invest more time in proving that you're being needlessly 'controlling/anxious/old-fashioned/whatever she thinks'.
If she's happy to tell you about her relationship that's great, but I wouldn't push it as she'll want his as well as her privacy and very probably see this relationship as part of her becoming more independent.
I let my nearly 16YO DD have sleepovers with her (slightly older BF) after seven months when we took him on holiday with us. I had previously told her that readiness for having sex or having sex is not a measure of being more mature or having a 'better' relationship than your friends who aren't - it's a developmental thing a bit like getting your first period or a baby getting it's first tooth. Some people will feel ready before others - one of those things. I also tried to impress upon her that there's nothing immoral per se about having sex - as I hoped that if she did have sex it would be only because she wanted to - not as an act of rebellion - and that it would make the inevitable break-up much harder.
Try not to worry too much - impossible I know.
Thanks so much for your thoughts and kind words. Sadly we don't have a spare room in our house so the option of making up the bed isn't there - would have been a good one (but a sleepless night for us listening out for creaking floorboards I think!).
The boyfriend's mum has three sons, and he is the youngest, so she I imagine is completely fine about this as I'm sure she has lots of experience under her belt (plus having boys is different anyway), while I'm floundering around in the dark. I have asked for her phone number so I can speak with her tomorrow about where exactly my daughter will be 'sleeping'?! I think my first question tonight (and I'm not answering yes or no tonight) will be to ask (gently) why she wants to spend the night - see what she answers. For me, spending the night, and dealing with the morning (ie no make-up and dragon breath!) are all things which should be done when you're more mature, and ready to deal with the reality of more than a fumble at a party etc. I don't know, maybe I'm being Victorian. Her best friend's mum lets her stay at her bf's all the time and she's off to his for the entire week at his house over half term...this is what will be thrown at me when/if my answer is no. TBH I don't really care about what goes on in anyone else's house, but it's going to be hard for her, when that's what her peer group are doing
Thank you again xx
Speaking to his mum is the way to go, my son used to stay at his girlfriend's at this age because I couldn't be faffed to go and collect him, he couldn't get home as there is no public transport here. Both sets of parents were not OK with them sharing a room at this age and sleeping arrangements were made which meant they did not share a room.
"having boys is different anyway"
I wouldn't be so sure about that - they can't get pregnant obviously - but they can be hurt just as much as girls . And their mums will love them just as much as their daughters.
She is 16. Whether or not she has sex is a matter between her and her boyfriend (presumng that you've had the talk and enabled her to get birth control if she wants it etc). Put aside that he is a boyfriend for a moment...if she had a new friend whom she had known for a while but become close to about 4 weeks ago and you knew the family and liked them, lyu object to that sleepover? If the answer is no then you can't really object to this one. She has been mature enough to discuss this with you, so she is opening a dialogue: you need to take this further and discuss your concerns with her.
She sounds like a sensible young woman in this regard, and by treating her with respect hopefully she can move forward with her family and friends issues too.
having boys is different anyway You might be surprised to learn that parents of boys would be just as unhappy about them launching into a sexual relationship with someone after four weeks.
Ring the mum.
She has three children so is more experienced with this kind of dilemma. It may well be that she has planned to have your daughter sleep in the spare room and will chaperone.
When DS1's (long term) GF stayed over I made up the spare room and was paranoid that while in my home I was responsible for her.
I would say no. However nice he is and however nice his parents are, if you say yes this time, only 4 weeks into a relationship, then you will have nothing to fall back on with any future relationships she has. Would you be happy in a couple of months time for her to sleep over at the next boyfriend's house, if they split up and she started seeing someone new? What about a boy you haven't met, or whose parents don't seem so nice?
You can't stop them having sex - hormonal teens will find a way - but you can make it clear you do not expect sex to automatically be part of every relationship.
BTW I have a son, 19 now. I would not have been happy for him to sleep at a girlfriend's house at 16 except as part of a group/party kind of event. Even though he can't get pregnant, he could still get stds, feel pushed into something he was not emotionally ready for (and boys can feel under as much pressure as girls) , or be the cause of a pregnancy where I'd have little to no input into the life of a potential grandchild. Sons bring their own worries!
It's a tricky one, because I'm guessing that if you say 'no', she might go anyway. I would probably be inclined to say "4 weeks is very soon... Let's talk again in another 4 weeks or so"...
In principle, I think it's fine. It is only the short time that gives me pause. It could be more than fine... I had a regular boyfriend at 16, and another at 17, and both were good, loving relationships. We stayed at each other's houses, sleeping together, with permission from all parents (though I know my mum didn't like it much). I am still in touch with both of those first boyfriends' mums - one of them particularly was a very important and supportive influence in my life (even after her son dumped me!)
I said no to my DD. Most of my friends won't allow it either at that age.
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