13 year old daughter hates me

(40 Posts)
Pammos Sun 10-Feb-13 13:48:30

I am a new person to mumsnet and this is my first attempt to get some advice /help from others. My middle child (only girl, other 2 are boys) has turned against me and it is very upsetting for me and the rest of the family. She barely speaks to me, when she does it is "when is my dinner ready", "where is my netball kit" type stuff. She looks at me with utter scorn and hatred burning in her eyes and shares practically nothing with me. She gets home from school and disappears upstairs to watch TV/go on computer and seems disinterested in joining in with the family. Given I have a 14.5 year old son I felt I had some understanding of how to deal with teenagers but she is unmanageable as has become an almost stereotypical "bitch girl teenager" and I wonder if it is because she attends a (very good) girls school and watches all of these horrible American TV shows (pretty little liars, etc). She seems to enjoy seeing me upset by her words and actions. Everything I do is wrong. I am at my wit's end. My husband and older son have both tried to talk to her about her behavior but she just doesn't respond or seem to care. I think everything is OK at school, she has some outside activities too (although I often have to battle with her to make her honour her commitments - e.g. battle rehearsal for an upcoming show, taking part in a club hockey match, etc). I have to find a way to make things better between us because I feel myself hardening against her - almost as a defence mechanism. Help!

FarAwayHills Thu 26-May-16 17:15:19

I'm marking my spot as I have an almost teenage DD who is mostly pleasant with occasional snappy outbursts. It's like one minute she needs me and the next just wants me to disappear off the face of the earth. I guess there's more of this to come but having read this I will certainly read some of the books mentioned for the journey ahead.

Pepperpot99 Thu 26-May-16 12:50:26

Thanks for responding. Lifestoohard that sounds really difficult for you sad and I'm very sorry. It is soul destroying to see your dd slip away like that isn't it? my dd was seeing a boy until he dumped her just after xmas (still don't really know the full story) and that's affected her confidence a lot.
Does your dd have nice/good/loyal friends? my dd has friends but not a best friend - this is what she misses sad because since primary school she has never really made a best pal. She has a lot of anxiety and gets panice attacks sometimes. She's been referred to CAMHS but the GP said it would take months.sad.
Are the SS involved with your dds life? is the school helpful? xxx

MuddhaOfSuburbia Wed 25-May-16 04:59:41

<fistbumps and placemarks>

My dd who is really an absolute TREASURE is being a nightmare atm

Even son -who spent from about 13-16 just grunting at everyone- said yesterday to me and OH GOD I dont know how you two STAND IT

grin

It is awful. I thought ds had prepared me for this. I'm beginning to see that was possibly a walk in the park in comparison

Atenco Wed 25-May-16 03:57:28

Just to say that I am also a survivor. My dd started and was her worse at twelve and by fourteen was actually quite lovely again. Not a total solution, but she had really bad PMT and period pains and acupuncture helped a lot.

Lifestoohard Wed 25-May-16 01:47:44

I'm with you. My daughter is 14 and so utterly hurtful towards me and her dad (mostly me) that I spend every evening in tears. Home life is a constant stream of I hate you's, I wish you were dead, why didn't you abort me's etc that I just don't want to be here anymore.
She won't accept any sort of love or affection then screams at me that I don't show her any love or affection.
I can't win. She's extremely proud of the fact that she (by her own admission to myself and her dad) is having unprotected sex with several different boys, is smoking, drinking and God knows what else. She's grounded, is given no money, has had everything confiscated and yet somehow everything she is doing, all her behaviours, are my fault.
I just want my sweet caring loving daughter back but sadly she vanished in November last year.
She's breaking my heart.

Pepperpot99 Mon 16-May-16 11:28:18

I am going through this as well and it is ruining our home sad. Dd is 14.5 and has become the most vile unpleasant cow imaginable. Sneers at dh and I constantly, snaps, argues, manipulates. She lies and steals regularly. Dh and I were both in tears yesterday at her vileness and I am in tears now. I feel utterly broken by her relentless hatred. I honestly did spend a lot of yesterday contemplating whether or not it would be better if I just left . If I didn't have a yonger child I don't know what I would do. I feel so lost and empty. Sorry for rambling.

t875 Mon 09-May-16 00:05:35

Abs4190 sorry you are also going through this. Like I said to the OP know what you and your wife are going through. Have a read of my post and also try and get them books they are very good.
The teenage brain helped us to understand what was going on and not to take it personally although I know it's very hard too.
Check her computer / social media and also jump in on texts see if all is ok with friends our dd had a friend who was going through a tough time and our dd was worried about her.
All the best hope things calm ASAP

t875 Sun 08-May-16 23:57:19

Been there done that. She doesn't hate you just everything is do much bigger / worries the way you look at her the way you may be speaking ( although your speaking no doubt nicely)
It's a over worrying over caring over thinking stage my dd now is 15 and seems to have settled more.
Try your hardest though to not have her want to stay in her room and go in her computer all the time.
Do check her social media and also if any friends are having problems and if all is ok at school
As when my dd went through this stage there were underlying problems going on in the back ground which we didn't know at the time.
All the best there are some good books on amazon - the teenage brain is good and get out of my life but first take me and Alex to town.
Tune in on her likes I had to get into sims lol and also like others have said go out get the board games out together as a family! We love logo quiz / Pictionary picturika we also play on the wii / x box together. Is there anything she likes - baking or sewing something you guys can do together?
Baking has really helped dd with her confidence and she loves doing it and I guess eating it too! :-)
Good luck. Hope the phase passes
Pick your battles and I find text communication helps sometimes too when I know she's best not to talk too :-D x

abs4190 Fri 06-May-16 16:46:42

Thanks for your reply flowergirl456

BabyGanoush Thu 05-May-16 17:59:08

When I was that age I thought my mum was overly invested, interested, in my life.

She was always there, always....

I wanted to be alone confused

I told her scornfully to take up pottery for heavens sake, or something ANYTHING.

I needed space and felt crowded by her interest in my life.

She still mocks me about this and occassionally suggests pottery classes for me, now that I have teens.grin

My teens love being left alone confused, just love it.

Instead of trying harder, try a bit less. Stay cool, focus on your own life. She wants you to be there fir her... In the background

flowergirl456 Thu 05-May-16 11:18:11

I'm sorry abs4190 you are having such a rough time with your daughter. It sounds to me like she's hit the teenage phase early, puberty comes quicker to some. Your friend's daughters are lovely now but they will catch up in a year or two and will be equally horrible to their parents!
Your daughter will come back to you when she's older, just put up with the toddler tantrums at the moment and not take it too much to heart. I rationalise myself with my son that he speaks rubbish 99% of the time. Best thing is, you and your wife spend more quality time together, one advantage of them getting older is you can start leaving her on her own soon.
My son won't acknowledge his Dad when he gets home from work either - it does make me cross, but you have to step back and laugh at their silliness, I know easier said than done sometimes....

abs4190 Fri 29-Apr-16 09:08:51

As a dad in a similar situation with a 12 year old daughter my wife and I are at the end of our tether with her moods and swings. When she's nice it's on her terms and this is usually when she wants something like her cousin to sleep over on the weekend etc. Everything has to be her way. On my days off we'd suggest going somewhere nice as a family but she'll point blankly refuse saying it's too far to drive. Other times I'd come home from work and I wouldn't even get an acknowledgment from her unless she wants to go out, again on her terms. If I do into get room whils she's watching TV she'd pause the channel and tell me to get out. Yesterday I picked her up from school and grabbed her a takeaway after dropping her home. Not even a thank you when I brought it home, and to top it off she wanted to eat in front of the TV in her room downstairs. I hadn't even put the food on her table and she was telling me "now get out of my room! "

I did lose it and shouted at her calling her an ungrateful little brat..I was really hurt and I just felt worthless. I get jealous at the relationship my friend's have with their children. She was adorable in her younger years but is changing into a nightmare. I know that she is going through hormonal changes and I understand this could affect her mood but surely not all the time. The sad thing is that it's having an impact on my relationship with my wife as well. I have a stressful and at times dangerous job but the stress at work is nothing compared to dealing with my daughter at home. I hope she grows out of it soon. I know as a teen myself I was a right little
Sh@t to my parents and regretted my behaviour in my later years.

RoxyFox211 Thu 20-Jun-13 18:47:21

Try not to take it personally. I remeber hating my mum for a good portion of my childhood & teenage years but i would have been lost without her. Kids see their parents as a constraint, the thing that most often stands between them and getting/doing what they want all the time. Its the role you play in her life thats probably more the issue, rather than a personal thing, although it might feel like it to both of you. Dont try too hard to make her like you as this will probably be obvious and annoying to her. Ask her outright if she has a particular problem with something you have done/do or said and then try and work out a reasonable solution. Hopefully it is a phase that will pass!

bigTillyMint Thu 20-Jun-13 17:13:21

Great thread - so reassuring to see so many people saying that it is natural for DD's to push their mothers away as they grow up and that they may use them as an emotional punch bag because they know their mum will always love them. And also that they will (hopefully!) grow out of it again.

I agree, rudeness/bitchiness should not be tolerated, particularly if it is making it uncomfortable at home, and that having your own interests, friends, etc is important - you are no longer the centre of their universe, so you need to show them that although they are still important to you, there are other things and people in your life too.

Been there, mines 16 now and so much better, things I found that worked were not engaging with any sort of arguments, if she spoke to me a rude manner I asked to please not speak to me like that and to go away until she could be civil, if your daughter cant ask for stuff without being civil don't tell her where it is.

My daughter did not like this very much and would go and scream and shout in her room about how horrid I was but after a while when she realised I was just ignoring it she started behaving a bit better, its been a long three years but most of the time she is quite nice these days.

Kleinzeit Thu 20-Jun-13 10:58:32

I don’t have a teenaged DD but I was a horrible teenager myself and something I remember - round about 13 I started to grow up and to realise that I was going to turn out like my parents in some ways. And the more critical and worried I felt about myself, the worse I felt about my parents. Mostly my Dad because I was more like him, though a lot of girls would feel more like their Mums. Once I got more mature, and came to terms with who I was, I felt a lot better about my parents, and my Dad and I understand each other well now and I have a lot of respect for him.

I don’t have a lot of suggestions about how to manage her right now though. Apart from, I do agree with what Cerisier's said. And really really try not to worry about her grumpy hatey face and general lack of gratitude, don’t take it personally, and try not to let it get to you! Teenagers can just be hard work flowers

Cerisier Thu 20-Jun-13 03:34:26

I agree with those saying teens need to know they must treat the others in the house with respect. Basic manners are non negotiable. DH and I always pull up any rudeness or unkindness immediately. We calmly point it out and usually get an embarrassed apology in return. Teens can spout some nonsense without thinking.

Sometimes our teen girls hide away in their rooms working or watching youtube or whatever. I don't have a problem with that, I like some peace and quiet too.

We do all eat together each evening and everyone describes what their day has been like, which does seem to help keep everyone in touch with each other.

With regards to the ballet- I would never buy tickets for anything without checking a teen wanted to go (and whether they wanted to go with us, a sister or friends).

It sounds as if your DD wants some independence and privacy. I can't see the problem with this as long as she pulls her weight at home and is polite.

brightstarfish Wed 19-Jun-13 22:14:21

so glad that it all passes.my dd will be 16 in sept.

Flicktheswitch Mon 17-Jun-13 20:54:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madamecastafiore Mon 17-Jun-13 15:26:11

DD was like this and I have said to her I am happy for her tobe a stroppy teen but we do not do bitchy or rude in this house so she needed to srt her attitude out promptly.

I do agree that they need space and love but I think they need to not forget to treat others with politeness and respect.

samanthani Mon 17-Jun-13 15:18:45

I agree with loads of what's been said. My DS1 (now 21) was a nightmare from 13 to 15, now I get on great with him. DS2 didn't really have teen problems but DD1 is just (at 16) getting into the horrible, hateful phase.

When DD1 was going through it, I had a theory that it's nature's way, so that we don't get so depressed when they do leave home!! I was interested to read that flow4 suggested that the closer they are, the worse they are - DS1 used to be really close to me, DS2 not so much, and DD1 stuck to me like glue until a few months ago.

Just need to get through the next few years, then DD2's teen years will kick in.

(First post on here - hello!!)

S

TheEarlOf Tue 11-Jun-13 22:32:58

From a recent experience of being a teenage girl that vehemently hated her mother it was because of my own insecurities that I felt she wasn't helping with. I went to a very high pressured school and had issues with friends and so on and she didn't help at all (unlike the really nice mums I see come on here asking for what they can do with their DDs when they're having problems). I think it was probably more that she didn't know what to do not that she didn't want to but it felt like I was all alone with the world.

I now look back on it but still don't feel any 'remorse' about it, which some people may think is really rude and unfeeling but I would say we 'get on' but only because I've grown up as a person and don't have those same issues. We still aren't close and I don't think we ever will be but she is still my mother and my family.

I agree that it is probably a part of growing up though, finding yourself without your mother helping you at every stage. I know this thread is old but for general advice I would still try (but don't push too hard) and make sure she knows you still love her and are still there for her even if she acts like she hates you (she probably doesn't!)

SarahSim Tue 11-Jun-13 20:20:48

My 12 year old absolutely hates me at the moment and constantly says I dont like her, never have and favour my eldest daughter - now 16. I have taken on board your comments and will get the book referenced above - its just nice to know that its not just happening to me! I would never have thought mu gorgeous girl, who I never had to raise my voice to, would hate me so much :-(

Flowercloud, start a new thread with your message.

flowercloud Mon 25-Feb-13 21:32:03

I had to separate from my husband recently and both my daughters won't talk to me or see me. It's now been two months and I need some help with this situation which is absolutely awful. I've always been there for them and been a full time at-home mom. Can anyone help?

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