13 year old daughter hates me(40 Posts)
I am a new person to mumsnet and this is my first attempt to get some advice /help from others. My middle child (only girl, other 2 are boys) has turned against me and it is very upsetting for me and the rest of the family. She barely speaks to me, when she does it is "when is my dinner ready", "where is my netball kit" type stuff. She looks at me with utter scorn and hatred burning in her eyes and shares practically nothing with me. She gets home from school and disappears upstairs to watch TV/go on computer and seems disinterested in joining in with the family. Given I have a 14.5 year old son I felt I had some understanding of how to deal with teenagers but she is unmanageable as has become an almost stereotypical "bitch girl teenager" and I wonder if it is because she attends a (very good) girls school and watches all of these horrible American TV shows (pretty little liars, etc). She seems to enjoy seeing me upset by her words and actions. Everything I do is wrong. I am at my wit's end. My husband and older son have both tried to talk to her about her behavior but she just doesn't respond or seem to care. I think everything is OK at school, she has some outside activities too (although I often have to battle with her to make her honour her commitments - e.g. battle rehearsal for an upcoming show, taking part in a club hockey match, etc). I have to find a way to make things better between us because I feel myself hardening against her - almost as a defence mechanism. Help!
Been there, mines 16 now and so much better, things I found that worked were not engaging with any sort of arguments, if she spoke to me a rude manner I asked to please not speak to me like that and to go away until she could be civil, if your daughter cant ask for stuff without being civil don't tell her where it is.
My daughter did not like this very much and would go and scream and shout in her room about how horrid I was but after a while when she realised I was just ignoring it she started behaving a bit better, its been a long three years but most of the time she is quite nice these days.
Great thread - so reassuring to see so many people saying that it is natural for DD's to push their mothers away as they grow up and that they may use them as an emotional punch bag because they know their mum will always love them. And also that they will (hopefully!) grow out of it again.
I agree, rudeness/bitchiness should not be tolerated, particularly if it is making it uncomfortable at home, and that having your own interests, friends, etc is important - you are no longer the centre of their universe, so you need to show them that although they are still important to you, there are other things and people in your life too.
Try not to take it personally. I remeber hating my mum for a good portion of my childhood & teenage years but i would have been lost without her. Kids see their parents as a constraint, the thing that most often stands between them and getting/doing what they want all the time. Its the role you play in her life thats probably more the issue, rather than a personal thing, although it might feel like it to both of you. Dont try too hard to make her like you as this will probably be obvious and annoying to her. Ask her outright if she has a particular problem with something you have done/do or said and then try and work out a reasonable solution. Hopefully it is a phase that will pass!
As a dad in a similar situation with a 12 year old daughter my wife and I are at the end of our tether with her moods and swings. When she's nice it's on her terms and this is usually when she wants something like her cousin to sleep over on the weekend etc. Everything has to be her way. On my days off we'd suggest going somewhere nice as a family but she'll point blankly refuse saying it's too far to drive. Other times I'd come home from work and I wouldn't even get an acknowledgment from her unless she wants to go out, again on her terms. If I do into get room whils she's watching TV she'd pause the channel and tell me to get out. Yesterday I picked her up from school and grabbed her a takeaway after dropping her home. Not even a thank you when I brought it home, and to top it off she wanted to eat in front of the TV in her room downstairs. I hadn't even put the food on her table and she was telling me "now get out of my room! "
I did lose it and shouted at her calling her an ungrateful little brat..I was really hurt and I just felt worthless. I get jealous at the relationship my friend's have with their children. She was adorable in her younger years but is changing into a nightmare. I know that she is going through hormonal changes and I understand this could affect her mood but surely not all the time. The sad thing is that it's having an impact on my relationship with my wife as well. I have a stressful and at times dangerous job but the stress at work is nothing compared to dealing with my daughter at home. I hope she grows out of it soon. I know as a teen myself I was a right little
Sh@t to my parents and regretted my behaviour in my later years.
I'm sorry abs4190 you are having such a rough time with your daughter. It sounds to me like she's hit the teenage phase early, puberty comes quicker to some. Your friend's daughters are lovely now but they will catch up in a year or two and will be equally horrible to their parents!
Your daughter will come back to you when she's older, just put up with the toddler tantrums at the moment and not take it too much to heart. I rationalise myself with my son that he speaks rubbish 99% of the time. Best thing is, you and your wife spend more quality time together, one advantage of them getting older is you can start leaving her on her own soon.
My son won't acknowledge his Dad when he gets home from work either - it does make me cross, but you have to step back and laugh at their silliness, I know easier said than done sometimes....
When I was that age I thought my mum was overly invested, interested, in my life.
She was always there, always....
I wanted to be alone
I told her scornfully to take up pottery for heavens sake, or something ANYTHING.
I needed space and felt crowded by her interest in my life.
She still mocks me about this and occassionally suggests pottery classes for me, now that I have teens.
My teens love being left alone , just love it.
Instead of trying harder, try a bit less. Stay cool, focus on your own life. She wants you to be there fir her... In the background
Thanks for your reply flowergirl456
Been there done that. She doesn't hate you just everything is do much bigger / worries the way you look at her the way you may be speaking ( although your speaking no doubt nicely)
It's a over worrying over caring over thinking stage my dd now is 15 and seems to have settled more.
Try your hardest though to not have her want to stay in her room and go in her computer all the time.
Do check her social media and also if any friends are having problems and if all is ok at school
As when my dd went through this stage there were underlying problems going on in the back ground which we didn't know at the time.
All the best there are some good books on amazon - the teenage brain is good and get out of my life but first take me and Alex to town.
Tune in on her likes I had to get into sims lol and also like others have said go out get the board games out together as a family! We love logo quiz / Pictionary picturika we also play on the wii / x box together. Is there anything she likes - baking or sewing something you guys can do together?
Baking has really helped dd with her confidence and she loves doing it and I guess eating it too! :-)
Good luck. Hope the phase passes
Pick your battles and I find text communication helps sometimes too when I know she's best not to talk too :-D x
Abs4190 sorry you are also going through this. Like I said to the OP know what you and your wife are going through. Have a read of my post and also try and get them books they are very good.
The teenage brain helped us to understand what was going on and not to take it personally although I know it's very hard too.
Check her computer / social media and also jump in on texts see if all is ok with friends our dd had a friend who was going through a tough time and our dd was worried about her.
All the best hope things calm ASAP
I am going through this as well and it is ruining our home . Dd is 14.5 and has become the most vile unpleasant cow imaginable. Sneers at dh and I constantly, snaps, argues, manipulates. She lies and steals regularly. Dh and I were both in tears yesterday at her vileness and I am in tears now. I feel utterly broken by her relentless hatred. I honestly did spend a lot of yesterday contemplating whether or not it would be better if I just left . If I didn't have a yonger child I don't know what I would do. I feel so lost and empty. Sorry for rambling.
I'm with you. My daughter is 14 and so utterly hurtful towards me and her dad (mostly me) that I spend every evening in tears. Home life is a constant stream of I hate you's, I wish you were dead, why didn't you abort me's etc that I just don't want to be here anymore.
She won't accept any sort of love or affection then screams at me that I don't show her any love or affection.
I can't win. She's extremely proud of the fact that she (by her own admission to myself and her dad) is having unprotected sex with several different boys, is smoking, drinking and God knows what else. She's grounded, is given no money, has had everything confiscated and yet somehow everything she is doing, all her behaviours, are my fault.
I just want my sweet caring loving daughter back but sadly she vanished in November last year.
She's breaking my heart.
Just to say that I am also a survivor. My dd started and was her worse at twelve and by fourteen was actually quite lovely again. Not a total solution, but she had really bad PMT and period pains and acupuncture helped a lot.
<fistbumps and placemarks>
My dd who is really an absolute TREASURE is being a nightmare atm
Even son -who spent from about 13-16 just grunting at everyone- said yesterday to me and OH GOD I dont know how you two STAND IT
It is awful. I thought ds had prepared me for this. I'm beginning to see that was possibly a walk in the park in comparison
Thanks for responding. Lifestoohard that sounds really difficult for you and I'm very sorry. It is soul destroying to see your dd slip away like that isn't it? my dd was seeing a boy until he dumped her just after xmas (still don't really know the full story) and that's affected her confidence a lot.
Does your dd have nice/good/loyal friends? my dd has friends but not a best friend - this is what she misses because since primary school she has never really made a best pal. She has a lot of anxiety and gets panice attacks sometimes. She's been referred to CAMHS but the GP said it would take months..
Are the SS involved with your dds life? is the school helpful? xxx
I'm marking my spot as I have an almost teenage DD who is mostly pleasant with occasional snappy outbursts. It's like one minute she needs me and the next just wants me to disappear off the face of the earth. I guess there's more of this to come but having read this I will certainly read some of the books mentioned for the journey ahead.
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