13 year old daughter hates me

(28 Posts)
Pammos Sun 10-Feb-13 13:48:30

I am a new person to mumsnet and this is my first attempt to get some advice /help from others. My middle child (only girl, other 2 are boys) has turned against me and it is very upsetting for me and the rest of the family. She barely speaks to me, when she does it is "when is my dinner ready", "where is my netball kit" type stuff. She looks at me with utter scorn and hatred burning in her eyes and shares practically nothing with me. She gets home from school and disappears upstairs to watch TV/go on computer and seems disinterested in joining in with the family. Given I have a 14.5 year old son I felt I had some understanding of how to deal with teenagers but she is unmanageable as has become an almost stereotypical "bitch girl teenager" and I wonder if it is because she attends a (very good) girls school and watches all of these horrible American TV shows (pretty little liars, etc). She seems to enjoy seeing me upset by her words and actions. Everything I do is wrong. I am at my wit's end. My husband and older son have both tried to talk to her about her behavior but she just doesn't respond or seem to care. I think everything is OK at school, she has some outside activities too (although I often have to battle with her to make her honour her commitments - e.g. battle rehearsal for an upcoming show, taking part in a club hockey match, etc). I have to find a way to make things better between us because I feel myself hardening against her - almost as a defence mechanism. Help!

Been there, mines 16 now and so much better, things I found that worked were not engaging with any sort of arguments, if she spoke to me a rude manner I asked to please not speak to me like that and to go away until she could be civil, if your daughter cant ask for stuff without being civil don't tell her where it is.

My daughter did not like this very much and would go and scream and shout in her room about how horrid I was but after a while when she realised I was just ignoring it she started behaving a bit better, its been a long three years but most of the time she is quite nice these days.

bigTillyMint Thu 20-Jun-13 17:13:21

Great thread - so reassuring to see so many people saying that it is natural for DD's to push their mothers away as they grow up and that they may use them as an emotional punch bag because they know their mum will always love them. And also that they will (hopefully!) grow out of it again.

I agree, rudeness/bitchiness should not be tolerated, particularly if it is making it uncomfortable at home, and that having your own interests, friends, etc is important - you are no longer the centre of their universe, so you need to show them that although they are still important to you, there are other things and people in your life too.

RoxyFox211 Thu 20-Jun-13 18:47:21

Try not to take it personally. I remeber hating my mum for a good portion of my childhood & teenage years but i would have been lost without her. Kids see their parents as a constraint, the thing that most often stands between them and getting/doing what they want all the time. Its the role you play in her life thats probably more the issue, rather than a personal thing, although it might feel like it to both of you. Dont try too hard to make her like you as this will probably be obvious and annoying to her. Ask her outright if she has a particular problem with something you have done/do or said and then try and work out a reasonable solution. Hopefully it is a phase that will pass!

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