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Smoking, sexuality and some advice would be good

(3 Posts)
LHu67 Thu 31-Jan-13 11:59:02

My daughter is 15 has recently told me that she thinks she is bi-sexual. She is a teen and obviously curious and what ever she is straight, gay or both I am happy to accept her for what ever she decides.

She is on Twitter alot and Tumbler. I try to avoid twitter with her as I mainly find moans about me and just stuff I don't really what to know about her feelings etc. I thought we had a good relationship and she will talk to me about a number of things...boys, girls, sex, drugs and what her friends are talking about or troubles they may have and her troubles.

However, i found cigarettes last night in her pocket she coat was sprawled accross the sofa as usual and picked it up, purse fell out along with fags and lighter. I am an ex smoker and she saw the struggle with me giving up and have always said to her about the dangers and the cost!!! I was allowing her a party at the weekend but stormed to her bedroom last night and said the party is off and that I found her fags. I did look on her twitter last night and yes she moaned about me angry that I have invaded her privacy. i am blocked from her twitter account but just put in her username and twitter and up it popped. I then found a link to her tumbler and whoa it let me into that and then came the looks like a porn site, women men and comments on there along with some pics of my daughter covering her boobs but if I can find it he how many others can???!!!! It also has the normal teenage crush pics of pop stars.

My daughter has had problems with the way she looks, she has had braces for teeth and glasses but teeth all fixed and contact lenses now but she still has a stigma of not being beautiful. She is tall, slim and pretty, lovely hair (I know I am her mum and biased). She is not the best of eaters but will eat family meals with us. I don't know if she is using the internet to project a different person on line as she can be what she wants on there and no one really knows her?? My other concern is that, do people that she is friendly with think that this is her and when they meet her, expect her to be the sexual person that she shows on her accounts.

This has now opened up a whole can of worms, if she is smoking then I can make it difficult for her by limiting money, not allowing it at home etc but will not be able to stop her. I just feel let down by her, I have smelt cigarettes and asked her and have had conversations with her and she had denied it. Also I don't really trust her now and obviously so upset with the internet stuff.

Would appreciate any other mums thoughts and how to handle this as I don't want her to stop being open with me or get any negative thoughts

specialsubject Thu 31-Jan-13 20:04:08

much as I hate smoking, pick your battles. (But do make it clear that as the cancer sticks reek, she is not to waste your time by denying that she smokes) Oh, and find out where she gets them and report the shop for selling to a child.

slagging you off online and posting dodgy pictures of herself are the issues. All but essentials REMOVED until this stops. Would you accept her writing to the paper to slag you off? It's what she has done.

Toomuchtea Fri 01-Feb-13 08:55:34

I do agree with special re the smoking: better not to put her in a position where she's going to deny it (because if she is like my DC she will deny everything simply because it is you she is dealing with), but deal with the situation you actually have: she's smoking, she's unlikely to stop just because you want her to, so what's the best compromise for you? With DS the absolute no no for me was smoking in the house, which he has pretty much gone along with, if you include hanging out of your bedroom window or clambering out of it onto the porch roof (it's flat) to smoke as being out of the house.

I have exactly the same thing as you with Twitter. When I was DD's age I spent hours slagging off my parents, as did all my friends. It's what teenagers do. The difference now is that they tweet it or Facebook it. I think that's another battle best avoided: if you do look at her Twitter, I think you have to remove your feelings from it. Checking on her Twitter is a way of checking on her general mental state, and that is what is most important. Leave the personal out of it if you can.

She IS talking to you, and that is fantastic. You don't want to do anything to jeopardise that, because whatever she says on Twitter, she does need you and wants to listen to what you have to say.

The dodgy pictures I would be worried about. If you're having a general conversation about sex, could you emphasise how much posting pictures of yourself (or other people doing it) can come back and haunt you?

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