DD & controlling BF

[niceguy2]

Maybe more of a rant than advice but if anyone has words of wisdom then I am all ears.

DD(16) met her first serious BF(17) back in July. She's thrown herself into this relationship and became practically obsessed with spending time with him to the exclusion of all others. Friends, family.....all fell by the wayside.

I've done my best to make him feel welcome, even having him around on xmas day for dinner. They are allowed in her room and we've had to put a limit of 10pm for him to be out of the house or he'd be here til stupid o'clock.

The problem is that he's starting to show a lot of controlling behaviour. He always was the jealous type. He says it is because his ex cheated on him and shattered his trust in women. Yet he says he trusts my DD and I've had a polite chat with him about not making my DD pay for what someone else did.

This weekend they had an argument and my DD told him to go because he'd started telling her to change what she was wearing. Apparently you could see her bra strap! Now I'd be the first to complain if it was anything risque but it seriously wasn't. As you can imagine in the snow and going to meet her mum, she wasn't exactly wearing anything revealing.

I'm glad she stuck up for herself. They 'finished' over the weekend but now they're back together. I know this cos her best mate told me but yet DD won't tell me anything. She just says that they are 'friends'.

He's a nice enough lad but that part of his personality isn't going to change. And what started out as a bit of jealousy when she spoke to some other lad, seems to be getting worse.

I know what I should do is just trust her but of course as a dad I find it hard to do.

[SlumberingDormouse]

The fact that she stuck for herself presumably means that she's not one to put up with unreasonable jealousy for long. Of course you're going to be concerned as her dad, but it really does sound like your DD has a healthy perspective on things. You can't make her decisions for her and for now it sounds like you're handling it well. Being unfriendly towards him would only make matters worse as they'd start to see themselves as Romeo and Juliet types with you as the enemy! All you can do is support your daughter and be there to pick up the pieces if they break up. This is one path she has to take alone.

[cory]

Congratulations on raising a sensible dd who stands up for herself!

Of course you are right, that kind of behaviour is a classic red flag.

But the best you can do is exactly what you are doing: demonstrating good, sensible, caring but non-controlling behaviour and showing him up. With any luck at all, she will look at the two examples of men she has before her and act accordingly. Not everybody who has one or two shitty boyfriends ends up marrying them.

[niceguy2]

Thanks guys. I feel better after a good night's sleep. I had a knot in my stomach last night and felt so frustrated.

This is the hardest part for me as a parent. Learning to let go and trust her to find her own way. I've always encouraged my DD to make decisions herself but as a child you could always overrule her if absolutely necessary if she made a crap choice. I have to accept now that I can't do that.

[Branleuse]

i think i would go into it as a discussion about boundaries in relationships. Not being specific. Let her know that you were proud of her for standing up for herself last time, and let her know that she doesnt have to put up with guys who try and put unfair expectations on her, and that she is a strong and free intelligent young woman. Let her know that she always has choices, and that boyfriends should complement her life, not cause her grief

[specialsubject]

good for her, and you.

this guy is a serious freak at 17 and it will only get worse.

[craftybelle]

Don't do what we did! We made the classic mistake of pointing out all his bad points and all it did was push them closer together. Oh how I wish I had known about this forum back then-they might have split up if we hadn't handled it so badly!

[bingodiva]

i think i would knock his fucking teeth out have a good chat with him and let him understand how I felt about him speaking to my daughter like that. i would let him know i didnt treat her like that or speak to her like that and certainly dont expect anyone else to either.