locks on doors..

[gabyjane]

Iv'e noticed on a few threads now that parents having locks on their doors is quite a common thing. I have spoke to my partner about this and we are going to do it as soon as we move.
We have had issues for a while now and dd thinks because i take something off her it gives her a right to go rooting through my bedroom and take what she wants. I took her straightners as she keeps leaving them switched on at times on the carpet and has no care that she may burn the house down or damage a carpet that ide have to replace. We rent so have explained she needs to try a bit harder, At first i got quite cross about it and it was a bit of a battle, now however i take her stuff and if i find things of mine in her room i simply take them out and dont say a word..is this the right thing to do?

Another reason to do it is to put some other bits on. She takes ALL my phone chargers. think most end up down at her dads which annoys me as i never see them again. Our home phones have to be hidden as she runs huge bills up. Keys for certain things..list goes on! I find my days quite tiresome at times looking for my own stuff and know if it was all in our room ide at least know where it was! yesterday i hunted around for ages looking for the phone to call someone and find it annoying.

[RoseWei]

Straighteners, charging up and on the floor, poses a risk - you're right to be annoyed and worried about things like that. Would locking your door be a risk, at all - is your room a potential fire exist door? Something you could, perhaps, ask the fire service about - they are very good at working things like this out unless, of course, it's very obvious.

Have you managed to talk to your daughter - perhaps take her out and have a good chat? Explain things can't go on as they are - you're very anxious, you can't afford to have everyday items missing like this and it all creates distrust which is horrible in any family.

Home phones - could you ban mobile numbers - leaving anyone free to make landline calls and emergency calls? Hiding your home phones seems quite a big step -

It must be very frustrating - had some experience of what you're going through but it was about money -

How old is your DD? Good luck with all of this -

[gabyjane]

Thanks.
No our bedroom is not a fire risk, we live in a 3 story town house and our rooms right at the top so its exhasting at times havng to run up and down to find things ive hidden from her and totally pathetic. We are moving soon and my partner will install a lock on our door, feel things will be easier then.
As for the phone. Well my ex, her step dad who she sees has actually barred the home phone due to her using it too much. It then got put into action as a business line as his best friend lives with him and she abused that also. shes had her mobile sim cancelled (contract) as EVERY month she runs it sky high. She is now on PAYG. She gets on better with my ex but to be toally honest she respects neither of us no matter what we do.

[sashh]

Couldn't you just have a lockable cupboard?

[lemonstartree]

We installed a lock on out bedroom dor as Ds1 now 14 stole from us so much. Has made a big difference actually, now, if things go missing from our room (rarely) we know it cant be him. I would do it, if she cant show you respect.

[specialsubject]

big issues than this - she is irresponsible, thieving and a danger to life. Question is, why? Obvious family issues but tough, she's got to learn to cope, plenty of others do without turning into criminals.

no more straighteners before she does burn the house down. But she needs to learn to be vaguely liveable with.

[laughinglikeadrain]

in the house i grew up dads front room and mum and dads bedroom were always locked. we were invited in, only if absolutely necessary.

I can remember lying outside thier door crying to be let in.... I must have been tiny

I dont have locks on the internal doors in my house.

i think your relationship with your dd needs more work than a lock on the door.... but cheer up she's 14 and will probably move out soon

[flow4]

I got 'stuck' on this for a long time. I wanted to stop the stealing, not fit a lock, and I think I saw fitting one on my door as a sign of my failure as a mother.

But it doesn't matter what the 'issues' are. Well of course the issues matter - but understanding them won't stop the stealing (or other bad behaviour). I knew why my son stole, but knowing was not the point: stopping it was the point. And fitting a lock on my bedroom door stopped it, instantly, when nothing else had.

It is a funny thing about parenting, that we spend so much time trying to work out why our children behave in certain ways, sometimes when we're avoiding doing something quite obvious to stop it. To my mind (and with the benefit of hindsight - I did not think like this when my DS first started stealing from me) not fitting a lock on at least one room when you have a thieving teen in the house is a bit like trying to analyse your 'food issues' but not eating less or doing more exercise.

[gabyjane]

Thanks for the replys.

sashh the cupboard would work for some things but would i have to hide all my underwear in there?! My makeup etc it wouldn't really work tbh.

laughinglikeadrain not sure your reply was much help tbh. She thinks its ok to take things and i dont agree. Others have said about doing it on here and its my last try really. Oh and move out at 14? hmm.

flow4 thanks makes sense!

I got an edible present for xmas which was a silly present but a one off that was more for show than to eat as dont actually like them!. DD knew she wasnt to touch it but opened it and ate some of the contents. i was so cross and she denied eatingit but i know she lied. She carried eating more so i put a nice coating of something that she wouldnt like on them..amazingly she hasn't eaten any since but the present is ruined. I also noticed my £160 straightners have gone missing again. I text my ex and turns out she had taken them to his. She must have gone through all my drawers in my room to find them..not on imo.

[laughinglikeadrain]

I'm sorry if you missed my point... my point was that these things that you do last... for as long as your kids are alive..... its not something to be done lightly without thinking about ALL the consequences.

in my particular situation it was becuase i had a thieving elder sibiling. but it just didnt affect her, it affected me and the way i parent my dd.

40 years in this case

my comment was that she is 14 and that she will probably move out if she feels excluded in her own home.

and dont you think coating chocolates (or whatever) that you DONT EVEN LIKE in something nasty means that you give her as little respect as she gives you?

HTH

[flow4]

laughing, I don't think putting locks on bedroom doors is a thing anyone does 'lightly'. In my own case it took me over a year to reach that point - and my DS had stolen over £1000 from me. :( It is a desperate measure taken by a desperate parent.

When you are living with a very difficult teenager, you sometimes have to protect yourself. If you let them steal from you and disrespect you in the ways that gaby describes, it's very stressful; but also, you do them no favours, because having no/weak boundaries/limits is not good for children. And if they do not respect 'normal' boundaries and limits (like personal space and possessions) then sometimes these need strengthening.

You are obviously still affected by feeling 'locked out' by your parents, laughing - which is rather sad. But your parents were clearly not just using locks to protect themselves from your 'thieving older sibling'. There must have been something else going on, or they would not have also locked you out as a tiny child - whether that was something 'straightforward' like sex/privacy, or something harder to guess. It is perfectly possible (I know, because I have done it for a couple of years) to keep a thieving, unsupervised, liberty-taking child out by locking a door, and at the same time to always allow a non-thieving, poorly, sad, tiny or supervised child in.

[laughinglikeadrain]

How are you doing them a favour by You locking your door?

I am still affected...... That's why I'm against it!

Surely if you are going to do something so drastic then you need both sides of the story?

[flow4]

Yes, you are obviously still affected laughing, and that is sad :( But your old childhood situation is not gaby's now, or mine...

My bedroom door is locked because DS1 stole from me many times. My DS2 has never lain outside crying, has never been locked out when he has needed me, and does not feel excluded. In fact, he likes the protection that locks provide so much, that he now has a lock on his own bedroom door, so he can keep his own stuff safe. It annoys us both that we have to do this because DS1 can't (or perhaps couldn't) control himself, but the annoyance is much easier to deal with than the frustration, anger, sense of betrayal and inconvenience of being stolen from.

I didn't say you were doing a DC a favour by locking your door, I said you were doing them no favours by letting them steal from you and disrespect you:

• If your child steals from you they generally feel guilty, frightened, desperately out of control, and begin to hate themselves.
  
• It damages their relationship with you (and other family members) very seriously.
  
• They may begin to think they can 'get away with it' elsewhere, and go on to steal from other people.
  
• They may also end up with a criminal record.
  

A simple lock can stop all this. As I said before, I wish I had done it a year earlier.

[gabyjane]

Thanks for the replys.

Think the point of this has gone a little off topic in a way. Basically the bad behaviour has been going on for a long long time..at the end of the day MY room is MY room and My things in it are exactly that MY things. I do not go in my dd's room to take things without asking and never go in there for a reason other than to check she hasn't left lights on all day as she so often does. I take away things i have bought and paid for and as a punishment not for the fun of it.

She is a totally rude and selfish child who completely uses me and im fed up of always looking over my shoulder and hiding things. Ive just gone to use my phone lead..gone everything of mine goes and she takes it to my ex's never to be seen again..its not on.

As for the present i got..it was the final straw for me and a suggestion from a friend whose actually a councillor. Its to teach her not to steal and if she does there are consequences..not to mention the fact shes ruined MY present. Life is too short to be dictated to by a 14 year old who thinks she rules the roost so yes locks are going on doors.

Laughing i am sorry you have been affected in the past however it is something i feel i have to do.

[specialsubject]

if you don't teach her, she will start stealing from others and that is the fast-track to prison. Teaching and punishing her is doing her a favour.

good luck.

[laughinglikeadrain]

Gabyjane...... Your house.... Your rules

I don't agree with them but that's just me.

I'd be gutted if my family relationship had broken down so far. She is a child and you are an adult but you arnt acting like one.....In my opinion.

[gabyjane]

specialsubject thats one thing im worried about. We have found a few things now that arent ours and shes been like a cat caught in headlights when shes been asked where they are from.

laughing why arent i acting like the adult? Do you think its ok for her to take the stuff then? Relationships do break down maybe your lucky your children are ok although saying that, that wouldn't explain why your are on here?

[nagynolonger]

I've used locks on a number of occasions. It started with us putting a lock on the freezer because DS2 was stealing all the ice-creams so that no one else, mainly his three little brothers could have a treat on a hot day. It may seem very petty to some but DS2 was a young teen and his brothers were very young. We had to stop it.

We also put all the nice stuff (biscuits, crisps, glace cherries!) in a locked cupboard to stop DS2 scoffing the lot.

The next lock was on DS1 bedroom door......To stop DS2 taking clothes and other stuff while DS1 was away at university. DS2 is 27 now and a lovely young man who is very generous to his younger sibs. He was just going through a nasty stage.

The room is being locked again at the moment because DS4 will not stop borrowing DS3 stuff while he is away.

Mine are boys so no trouble with them taking stuff from our room.......They would never wear DHs stuff!

If you need to fit locks for a while to stop self-centred teenagers being self- centred, just do it.

[flow4]

Laughing - Yup, "gutted" describes it well... But then you have to do something about what's going on, because just feeling gutted doesn't actually fix the problem.

You only really have three options in this situation: allow your DC to continue to take your things; try to stop them by having them arrested and charged with theft (with no guarantee that this will work and some possibility that it will make things worse); or successfully and simply stop them by putting a lock on your door. Of the three, it seems to me that last is obviously the least-worst option.

[laughinglikeadrain]

look, i'm trying not turn this into a slanging match. I'm merley stating my opinion.

HAVING experienced it as a child, I wouldnt recommend you dont do it.
However flow4 your EXPERIENCE of USING them OBVIOUSLY trumps my experience.

So I will leave you to it.

But for the record..... locks on doors arent on. You are avoiding the problem not actually tackling the cause.

Specialistsubject said she's got to learn to cope, plenty of others do without turning into criminals.

flow4 you even said...not fitting a lock on at least one room when you have a thieving teen in the house is a bit like trying to analyse your 'food issues' but not eating less or doing more exercise

my response to this... is wouldnt you be teaching you dd about excerscise, calorific values and good choices, rather than just locking up the food?

Plus you arnt actually setting boundaries for the child... the locks are. yeah get a good strong lock.




OP good luck... it seems like you need it. i was just giving you my opinion, if you didnt want opinions why are you posting on a chat forum?

[flow4]

There is no 'slanging match' here laughing. There is disagreement, and that's fine. :) Your opinion is perfectly valid and welcome; but you can't expect everyone to agree with you, especially when you use sweeping generalisations like "locks on doors aren't on" and "she will probably move out if she feels excluded in her own home" and "you give her as little respect as she gives you".

I'm guessing your child own is still pre-teen. Many parents find that the reality of having a teen is very different from the theory. They also find all the approaches and 'parenting techniques' they used when their child was younger, simply do not work with their teenager.

To use the food example again... You do teach your teen about exercise, calorific values and good choices, and they still eat junk and sit on the sofa all day... And then they start eating your birthday cake, and their sibling's share of the food... And you wish they didn't, and you talk and talk to them... And you try everything you can think of to stop them... But at some point you put a bloody lock on a door!

[cory]

So what do you suggest the OP should do instead, laughing? Feeling gutted won't stop her dd from stealing. It is quite clear from her posts that she has tried other options- and for a very long time.

I used to have a child with violent meltdowns. Plenty of people had said "I would never accept that from my children". Nobody ever suggested what I should do instead, having tried all the normal discipline methods that worked for their children but didn't work for mine. Somehow they seemed to believe that if you just feel hard enough that something is unacceptable, then it will magically stop. It didn't.

She grew out of it eventually. In the meantime, I had to restrain her to safeguard life and property.

Hopefully, the op's dd will come out of her equally destructive behaviour one day. But in the meantime saying it's unacceptable won't stop it happening.

[flow4]

Oh how heart-breaking, Maryz. :(

For him, in the end, as well as for you, I imagine...

[laughinglikeadrain]

I haven't actually read any of the other threads this poster had written.

I never claimed to have the answers I was merely pointing out that the repercussions go on and on and on.

I maintain that putting a lock on the door isn't you taking control. It's the lock taking control.

Marys I feel for you, it must have been horrible. But a lock mended your relationship? I don't think so.

I'm not condemning anyone just. Showing a different point of view.