MaryZ's support thread for parents of troubled teenagers - Part 2 here's to a peaceful 2013

(810 Posts)
Maryz Tue 01-Jan-13 15:57:49

This is a continuation of this thread which I set up as a safe space for struggling parents of challenging teenagers.

This is meant to be a welcoming thread, where everyone can come and moan, whinge, bash ideas off each other and support each other as we face a new year and new challenges

Newbies in particular - come and join in. When ds1 started going off the rails I felt very lonely as there was no-one in real life I could talk to. Being able to be open and honest on here has helped me cope over the last few years.

Many of us have extremely challenging teenagers, some are involved in alcohol and drugs, some are violent, some are struggling with depression, anxiety and various SN. This thread isn't here to judge people and tell them how to parent or to simplify and minimise their difficulties.

So if you think we should simply tell them to come home and night, and take their phones away if they don't, you are probably in the wrong place. Also if you think a few joints or a couple of pills are harmless, go and start a thread about it somewhere else.

The mantra of this thread is - don't look back, guilt is a wasted emotion. You are where you are now, carry on from here. You may not be able to change them, but you can change how you react to their behaviour, so pick your battles, take a step back and try not be too emotionally involved, and FFS, be nice to yourself.

So here goes: here's to a calm, peaceful and positive 2013.

flow4 Tue 09-Jul-13 22:38:50

Have you read this book ? I recommend it a lot, since it's the only good teenage parenting book I've come across. I found it very useful for helping me understand how their minds work!

Unfortunatelyanxious Fri 12-Jul-13 23:06:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weary1 Mon 15-Jul-13 17:49:36

Just been reading everyone else's posts - so sorrysad

First time to post here, after changing my username.

Last twelve months have been horrendous...the list is far too long to go into, suffice to say that after banging my head against a wall; badgering the professionals; researching myself, (which I did > 6 months ago and diagnosed this) my DS has been diagnosed with ADHD/ODD.

DS has done through the system of school for 11 years, ended up self medicating with substances for the last year, and made our lives a living hell - *still is*and no-one picked this up.

I made a comment when ds was 3, do you think he has ADHD when the teacher said he wouldn't sit still, fidgets etc etc and ranted on about him constantly, to be told don't be silly of course not...sad angry

So over the years he has had the usual double discipline, totally negative school teachers, and frustrated parents on at him constantly...

The tics, when he was 10, the stammering when he 6, the self soothing blanket and thumb sucking - all making sense now.

So don't give up - you are the ones that know if there's something not quite right....

jugsy58 Mon 22-Jul-13 02:52:54

hi everyone, i have been reading your news and i too would welcome some advice on how to tolerate my DS .
this is my first time here and i am desperate.
my horrible nightmare started when my son went to senior school , he had no friends from his previous school there and seemed to be okay but in yr 9 it all changed and how. He wanted to hang around with the local disruptive kids although i was concerned because he was swopping his life long friends for these new ones , his dad and i protested and then it was climbing out of windows and generally being abusive toward us to get his own way.
he asked if some of his new friends could stay over and i agreed telling myself that i was being biased if i said no and that they are all okay kids , wot a joke that turned out to be they went through all my cupboards and draws at 4am in the morning.
things went from bad to worse he is the only child living at home and at 14 was smoking weed even though i never actually saw him myself i just knew because he turned into a zombie overnight , then the hating authority showed itself , he did not want to go to school and then got expelled i got him in a different school and worked with the authorities but it was hopeless the kids were already in their friendship groups and the only ones he seeked out were the naughty ones as he felt safer with them .
he got no gcse's and it has been one ride of hell for me , i never seemed to be away from the school and i was always sitting outside with my DS as he was crying because he did not feel he fitted in he stood outside the classrooms and would not enter . the teachers said he was very respectful and never caused trouble but they asked him to go to camhs and also get tested for learning problems but he refused .
since then i managed to get him to go to college , i dropped him off outside each day and you guessed it he waited for me to pull away and then came out , i even waited in a side road and saw him do it it .
he spends all of his time hanging around kids that have no intentions of doing anything with their lives and they all smoke weed and other stuff .
i challange him all the time , i have followed him, locked him out , threatened him , everything you can imagine i have tried to support him in getting onto the right track but to no avail.
i have an absolute resentfulness towards most of his dead head drug dealing friends and i cannot bear the idea that he is a pothead even though his clothes no longer smell of it i know he is on something.
my brother is dead now because of a life style of this kind of thing and his cousin also hung himself and when the coroner did the report there was cannabis in his bloodstream and he was only 27 .
my son is 17 and i feel like my life has been hell for the last 3.5 years , my husband and i constantly argue about it and the stress is making me ill.
he recently went out on his bike and came home with no bike and won't explain wot happened to his bike , he has started to take knives into his bedroom , what the hell is going on ?
i feel like i eat, sleep and breath this 24/7 he steals money from us and swears at me all the time .
please help as i don't know how much longer i can hold out for ...

flow4 Wed 24-Jul-13 00:14:37

jugsy, it sounds like your DS, you and your DH are having a very, very hard time. sad He sounds desperately unhappy and you sound desperate. I am so sorry.

You all sound like you need some 'real life' help. As you've discovered, you can't make your DS seek help, but you can get it for yourself. I'd strongly advise you get yourself to the GP asap and tell them what's going on, and ask for some counselling. When I was going through similar things with my own DS, it was a huge help to have someone 'neutral' to talk to, even just once a week.

The hard truth is, you only really have 2 options: throw him out or hang on in there. I found myself swinging between the two. Which one do you feel closer to right now?

igotaway Thu 25-Jul-13 15:21:48

Well here I am again from page 29.
First of all a huge thank you from Flow and Mary and everyone else for your support. Its helped me loads, especially, the detach detach mode.

Since that day in May, this is what happened. The very same evening DS had a total and utter breakdown and I had to call the crisis team. 2 doctors came round within 20 minutes to section him. Whilst waiting, 2 more physcs came and the hospital co-ordinator. He wasn't violent screaming or anything - just ice ice cold. A bed was found for him in a unit 20 miles away.
There was no way that this could happen, it would have pushed him over the edge, so after 6 hours I persuaded them not to get the second signature to section him, I would take care of him. So the emergency was averted by the skin of our teeth - and boy did he hate me for instigating it.
So from then til now he has being seeing a doctor for his councelling every other day, they bring his meds round, phone every day - but he says that they don't get him, they don't understand the sadness, his despair. I personally think that they see this composed young man, with a decent home life, decent people around him. What can possibly be wrong? Ha.
All this time he has been off heroin, 5 weeks or so? just to prove to them that it is the DEPRESSION that makes him ill.
So, 2 weeks ago, a new 'top man' visits us at home, and comes to the conclusion that DS has taught himself from a young age to think negativally. DS was outraged with this comment, DS would not do this by choice would he?. They said he had chosen a path of negativity, insomnia, abandonment, suicidal thoughts etc. etc. HE CHOSE HIS PATH ffs from 7 years old
Missing out lots here.......
The next week he saw his usual phsyc, and she was very effervesant about this new consultant, 'wasn't he good, wasn't he bang on with the diagnosis blah blah'
DS said no and didn't want to see them anymore. Told them he wasn't responding to the quepatine or the dufloxetine (sp. sorry) She told him that 85% of people responded to this cocktail of drugs. He said he must be in the rare 15% - she said no, the reason my drugs don't work is because you are not depressed. She told him he was a high functioning depressive, and would change his anti- d's.
He came back from this meeting, lit his blow torch and seared his arm, then scoured it with a Stanley knife.
Thanks a lot Docs. Thanks a lot.

igotaway Thu 25-Jul-13 15:39:29

My few words of advice to all Mums out there with boys and girls, who are suffering.

The doctors are hearing them speak, but they are NOT LISTENING.

flow4 Thu 25-Jul-13 18:18:49

I'm so sorry things have been so hard for you and your son, igotaway.

themidwife Fri 09-Aug-13 16:16:20

Hi all, been away a while with my head in the sand 19 yo DS just got 22 months in prison for ABH on a 13 year old (head butted her). So ashamed. So worried for his future what future sadsadconfusedconfused

everhopeful63 Sat 10-Aug-13 00:07:08

Coming out of the shadows Midwife, to send you love and support. Perhaps I am not alone in feeling i could have been in your position. Hope you have folk to talk to x.

foxy6 Sat 10-Aug-13 08:37:54

hi all just a quick question does it ever help to include social service with troublesome teenagers?

themidwife Sat 10-Aug-13 09:42:16

Yes they gave me (& him) a lot of support & advice.

foxy6 Sun 11-Aug-13 19:04:48

thanks I am unsure what to do dh called them last week about ds and they sent a letter saying to contact them to make an appointment. I also have a Dr appointment for ds Tuesday and will not be leaving until they agree to make a referal for psychological assessment. we just seem to go round and round in circles with ds. he takes one step forward and the two back.

Madondogs Thu 15-Aug-13 16:20:30

I think Ds is taking drugs again. Posted back in April that he had confessed to taking Mephadrome.I had been suspicious for months. Anyway agreed to see drugs counsellor and it all seemed to go well .
He was back to his old self .
However, I began to have suspicions that he may be back on it a few weeks ago. He denied it of course.
We are currently on holiday, and the day we left I am 100% certain he had taken something. ... Again he totally denied it.
Just looked at his phone as he is out surfing with his dad, txting about having a 'sesh' when he comes home , but saying he only has £120 ! The person he is txting says that will be ok.
Advice would be v gratefully received.
Feel so desperate.

flow4 Tue 03-Sep-13 07:32:20

Just bumping cos I realized madondogs hasn't had any responses. How's things, mad?

And how is everyone else?

flow4 Tue 03-Sep-13 07:41:08

Is anyone else finding that this thread doesn't appear in the topic list any more? (Or is it just a glitch on my new phone?)

flow4 Tue 03-Sep-13 08:18:24

Oops, I had accidentally hidden the thread! blush

Mad, my son was doing that a couple of years ago, so I know how desperate it feels. (You can search for my old threads if you want to see what was going on). For us, the solution was him finding something he wanted to do, and me giving him an ultimatum that he had to do something constructive with his days or I would throw him out. It took over a year for me to get that desperate, because I knew throwing him out would make things worse for him, but it got to the point where things were so bad it felt the only option.

foxy6 Thu 05-Sep-13 18:45:47

dh has just left the house to march ds to the police station for stealing. we have a problem with him taking money without asking or after being told no and toady he took £10 out of my bank and dh has had enough. hopefully it will scare the s* out of him and he will think twice next time, but somehow i don't think so.
the all problem is ds4 whio is 6 is now crying that he wont see his brother again. ive tried explaining that he will and that his bro needs to be told to be good by someone else but he has problems understanding stuff anyway. will just have to give him lots of hugs instead.

Maryz Thu 05-Sep-13 19:00:21

I haven't been on here for a while, sorry. I see Flow has, as usual, been dispensing fantastic advice.

The thread is getting very big and slow to load. Shall I start another one and see who is still around and wants to talk?

Foxy, is it worth keeping money/cards etc locked up?

igotaway, I am so very sorry sad. It's shit isn't it, having to watch them be so unhappy. I can't believe the implication that "if the drugs don't work, obviously you aren't depressed" - not all drugs help all people. And "a cycle of negativity" I would have thought would be the very definition of depression [baffled]

madondogs, not much help but shed-loads of sympathy. There probably is no way to stop them, sadly.

foxy6 Thu 05-Sep-13 19:12:27

it's partly my fault I gave him bank card to get out ten and get some bread for lunch I haven't been well and not up to walking to shops but he took out twenty instead.
they have just come back getting half way to the police station for him to own up to taking it as he kept saying he hadn't.
the sad part is I want to be able to trust him I keep giving him lots of chances to prove we can trust him and he just messes it up ever time.

teapot5 Thu 05-Sep-13 22:24:21

sorry to jump in. I haven't been here for ages, and haven't read anything. I'm just so upset and feeling as if I'm having a stroke at any minute. Cut the story short, basically our family life has been hell because of DD1 (now 19)! Yes, there were many many reasons why she is the way she is, and I sort of accepted the fact (not approving her behaviour or anything but to recognise that we have a problem), but her keep trashing the house, mood swings (extreme). I've been trying to hang in there and keep hope, but probably time to really think about kicking her out.

Maryz Thu 05-Sep-13 22:53:17

I'm in the same boat teapot. Ds is 19 too, and should really go, but I have no idea how he would survive. It's all very well saying "move out" but in ds's case that would mean a squat with druggies.

Ill be here tomorrow to chat. Be nice to yourself and detach, detach, detach.

<speaks sternly to self>

teapot5 Thu 05-Sep-13 23:09:06

Thanks, Maryz. I've got to work tomorrow, getting up really early (shift work sad

But I will come back. Yes, detach, detach, detach. I think we are becoming an expert smile

totallydone Sun 08-Sep-13 21:51:30

Hi there
I was directed to this thread when l posted in relationships.
My DD at 18 has finally broken me, l am going to read both threads and try and get some advice but to be honest l now just want her gone.

Maryz Sun 08-Sep-13 21:56:45

Hi, totally.

I understand the "broken" feeling. I've been broken for years, but amazingly I have survived. I suspect because I have had no choice.

I'll see if I can find your relationships thread.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now