MaryZ's support thread for parents of troubled teenagers - Part 2 here's to a peaceful 2013

(810 Posts)
Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Tue 01-Jan-13 15:57:49

This is a continuation of this thread which I set up as a safe space for struggling parents of challenging teenagers.

This is meant to be a welcoming thread, where everyone can come and moan, whinge, bash ideas off each other and support each other as we face a new year and new challenges

Newbies in particular - come and join in. When ds1 started going off the rails I felt very lonely as there was no-one in real life I could talk to. Being able to be open and honest on here has helped me cope over the last few years.

Many of us have extremely challenging teenagers, some are involved in alcohol and drugs, some are violent, some are struggling with depression, anxiety and various SN. This thread isn't here to judge people and tell them how to parent or to simplify and minimise their difficulties.

So if you think we should simply tell them to come home and night, and take their phones away if they don't, you are probably in the wrong place. Also if you think a few joints or a couple of pills are harmless, go and start a thread about it somewhere else.

The mantra of this thread is - don't look back, guilt is a wasted emotion. You are where you are now, carry on from here. You may not be able to change them, but you can change how you react to their behaviour, so pick your battles, take a step back and try not be too emotionally involved, and FFS, be nice to yourself.

So here goes: here's to a calm, peaceful and positive 2013.

themidwife Mon 22-Apr-13 13:51:44

Oh Laura I understand how you feel. My DS is 19 & in HMYOI on remand. 4th stay for him. Everything you say about your son is EXACTLY the same. It's just so bloody exhausting & sad isn't it? (((((Hugs)))))

midwife ((((hugs)))) back to you. Is there anything more demeaning than visiting your own child 'inside'? Being searched and wearing a stamp and a prison braclet all while trying to remember the rules before you can have a chat with your son? I can only see mine once a month and it is heartbreaking.

I met up with my oldest nephew last week and had a cuddle with his new baby (I'm a great-aunt now, eek!) but I was so sad afterwards. It was a terrible over-reaction but I felt like my lovely nephew has stolen (for want of a better word) my son's life. They are the same age and used to be terribly close but now it's so different. My nephew has a partner, good job, mortgage, baby, car. Mine's banged up for the next year...

I know it's stupid - there aren't a finite amount of 'lives' and they ran out when my DS came along wink - I just want so much for him to be happy.

Witco Mon 22-Apr-13 22:44:20

Hugs and respect to you ladies, I am only a breath away from where you and your kids are.

Dawndonna Tue 23-Apr-13 08:47:23

I have no idea if this is the right place.
18 year old, existential crisis with suicidal ideation. Been going on for a few weeks according to his girlfriend. I know why it's happened, A levels, looking at uni, big changes and he's Aspie and quite a way along the spectrum. Going to doctors today because I think medication is a route, just not sure it's the best route. He's been having CBT to help with health anxiety, but she's dropped some of his sessions and doesn't seem to be taking him seriously enough.
Any ideas?
If I'm in the wrong place would appreciate direction.
Thank you.

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Wed 24-Apr-13 16:10:59

Hi Dawndonna smile

Welcome to the thread. I think there is another one going for kids who are self-harming, but most of us here have seen more than our fair share of it sad. How did the visit to the doctor go? I have become a great believer in medication in an "anything to get them through the day" way, as I saw the results in ds of not being medicated and therefore self-medicating. How are you coping?

ds is also an aspie and any type of "change" sends him doo-lally. He has had exams last week and this and I have really been struggling to stay sane myself and not to react to his ranting.

Laura, how are you coping today? Are you still very down? I know what you mean about resentment. I was out for dinner last week with my brother and his perfect teenagers hmm and I found myself feeling really angry with them, which I know rationally isn't fair.

And I don't envy them their exam results, their university places, their sporting achievements or anything like that - I envy their happiness as it is something ds may never have.

Hi Mary yes, I feel a bit better today, thanks. It's unusual for me to have a wallow in it all - I'm an old hand at it all now and am skilled at keeping all those big feelings damped down, but the last few days I have been extremely a bit tearful. I've been out in the garden today and had a hack and slash at it all, which has made me feel better. It's very therapeutic, wielding the shears grin

How are you feeling today? How's the exam hysteria now?

Dawndonna- I am sorry you are going through this worry. I have two boys who react very badly to change. Unsurprisingly, the youngest has been diagnosed with Aspergers and now I know more about it, I am pretty sure that the oldest, troublesome one has the same thing. He is an adult though and so remains undiagnosed.

I remember how bad things were before he went off to uni and the chaotic feelings he had.

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Wed 24-Apr-13 16:51:33

It's awful, isn't it, when it just sort of rolls over you. I had two days last week where I spent a fair bit of time crying in the local car park blush. Wielding a shears would have been a much better way to deal with things.

He finishes up tomorrow, last exam and that's it, he's done. I have no idea whether or not he passed the course, but I find it absolutely incredible that he finished it shock. I have no idea what he will be doing every day now - looking for a job I hope. He has friends in Canada who are asking him to go over for a bit and I'm very tempted to pay the air fare - but I don't think he would go that far, he really doesn't cope well with the unknown.

I have a stretch of deserted beach where I can walk the dog, get some fresh air and have a good howl, all at the same time. How about that for multi-tasking? wink

Well done to all of you for making it through to the end of exams without anyone being dismembered wink I hope a job comes along swiftly for him, especially if he is feeling good about completing his course.

Dawndonna Thu 25-Apr-13 20:20:17

Hi, and Thank you.
The Doc was lovely, he doesn't want to medicate a month before his 'A' levels, and stated very clearly that he doesn't know enough about Aspie physiology to do so. I was really pleased about that, tbh. He has done an urgent psychiatric referral, so wait and see. I got him some calms and really bigged them up (hoping placebo effect will kick in) and he's taking them, willingly. We've been away for a couple of days looking at universitys too, so it's kept his mind off things, some of the time. Just got to get the gaps longer!

Witco Fri 26-Apr-13 00:22:47

So tonight a drug dealer arrives at the door, DS isnt in and we have to deal with this underworld stranger demanding money with menace. I'm so sick of this but DH is v reluctant to lay down ultimatums. Such a difficult situation and one neither of us is equipped to deal with confused

MuchBrighterNow Fri 26-Apr-13 09:05:50

Ds and grungy mate just arrived having been out all night at rave. It was local so we have been kept awake all night with nocturnal visits for various provisions. angry I'm sure they are all off their heads whilst driving on very dangerous cliff road. Total denial of course when asked.

Can anyone tell me which drug he's likely taken ? He seems clear in his thoughts whilst his mouth seems half paralized and his words slurred

... just drove off again after half hour frantic search for a diablo ( of all things ) confused

Witco Fri 26-Apr-13 09:15:10

Hi Much, it could be cocaine (tends to make their jaws stick out) but it could be more than one? It's scary how invincible they are at that age.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Fri 26-Apr-13 11:09:55

Hi everyone, sadly I would like to join this thread even though I haven't read through the whole thing.

My dd has lied to the police about me and said i've been hitting here when I haven't. It's because she didn't get her own way about something. In the past she has made it pretty clear that if I don't do what she wants and give her whats she wants she will report me for abuse and now it looks like she has. It's so weary and tiresome dealing with a manipulative 15 year old.

The police took her to her dads last night. I am scared to have her back after school today because if i'm alone with her she could say anything couldn't she? That I have done this and that. I have told her dad (we are divorced) but all her cares about is not having kids there so he can bring women home and shag all week-end. I have told her dad she is not to come back here but he doesn't want her there. I have also texted dd and told her to go round her dads after school and not to come home.

Any suggestions, am really down now.

Witco Fri 26-Apr-13 13:14:27

That's a tough one NotSuch, I don't know what to suggest except you try to talk to her. Easier said than done if she's 15 and manipulative but what is constant in all our problems is that we have to keep trying to communicate with our troubled teenagers. I hope someone will be along soon who has experienced this kind of thing

Witco Fri 26-Apr-13 16:06:57

DH and I had quite a calm conversation with DS last night when he came home, told him we loved him but we couldn't allow his behaviour to put the family in danger any more. He is either clean and can live as part of the family or he moves out. He says he wants to get clean, doesn't want this ever to happen again and wants to stop smoking weed. We hope it's true and will help him through it but god, it is exhausting. I took him to pay said dealer off this afternoon ( his own money), let's see what happens next. I'm knackered!

abbagold Sun 28-Apr-13 17:08:44

Hi all. sorry not been on here for a while. so much going on here.DD still going out with NEET. still truanting.lying,and stealing. Really at my whits end. CAMHS involved now but really no change .Feel a complete failure.

Witco Tue 30-Apr-13 22:36:25

Oh Abba, sorry to hear that. Try to stay strong x

igotaway Thu 02-May-13 17:04:58

Can any of you wise ladies go over to the mental health board and cast an eye over my thread called heroin.

you are all so supportive over here, not that I am not getting any over there, but you all seem to 'get' the teenage/youth thing.

I haven't posted here because my son is 22, and not a teenager but anything you can tell me where I am going wrong might help us

thanks so much.

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Thu 02-May-13 17:14:45

I'm just off out igotaway, but will have a look when I get back smile

You are welcome here by the way - some of us have youngsters who are no longer teens, just behaving like them [sigh].

igotaway Mon 06-May-13 10:46:01

Hi there, back from over from the mental health boards, where I was grateful for all the help.
Going to Maryz.. I can actually go back in time and almost pin point the time DS started to change, I can't totally lay the blame at his Fathers door, but I will. This is going to be long
Exp has 4 children, 2 from a previous marriage, 2 boys with me. He was a very wealthy man in 1999. During this time he gave both elder children £50k towards purchases of houses. Neither of them worked during their teens or early 20's. They both had private education and every material gift you could wish for. Moving on, to my 2 boys, they have had nothing. Nothing. Because Exp 'saw the error of his ways and decided our 2 would work'
Of course at 9 years old, DS1 could see the unfairness of this, but shrugged it off, no big deal.
At 15 he left school, and was MADE to take up an apprenticeship, Exp's constant critism of him was relentless, get him to this course, get him to that, fix this, fix that. When DS was 17, I got away from Exp as both boys were turning into him! But his OCD had kicked in by then and of course his anxiety.
My youngest son who is 20, was too young to be moulded by Exp and is as happy as larry. The eldest 2 still go Daaaad, can I have????

My very unhappy son is still struggling.Turning to drugs for obliteration.
Exp lives by himself now, and wonders why my 2 don't like him, wonders why our son is so distressed, when I explain to him the dynamics, he ALWAYS says, my crititism was always constructive.

No, it destroyed the boy he was, the boy he could have been, and now will never be.

You may ask, how did I let it happen? I don't know, I just didn't recognise emotional abuse. I didn't realise it existed til I found MN, and thank God I did.

igotaway Mon 06-May-13 11:10:08

here's a quick question.

why did the psychiatrist ask him if I suffered post natal depression after he was born? would it be relevant do you think?

and thanks to Peter Kay last night on t.v wherever you are.

I have not seen my son laugh for over a year. He did last night, at you. It was a joy to see and hear.

(Been off the heroin for 5 days now. Plenty of hot baths, vitamins, keeping busy) baby steps.

Witco Thu 09-May-13 20:29:34

Igotaway, well done for posting. My DS is 20 so you are not alone! Dashing off now but wanted to say welcome!

MuchBrighterNow Thu 09-May-13 21:15:28

Ds 17 seems to be on a really bad comedown, crying shouting , aggressive, incredibly down and hopeless. I've spent all day micro managing him to keep his violence under control.

Other ds 14 had a physical fight with him over the dinner table. This ds is refusing point blank to go out or see anyone or do anything that isn't screen based, the other day he got so mad at being turfed of x box he smashed a cup and cut himself with it sad His friend killed himself recently and it's put him in a dark place.

Dp is away , it's back to back holidays here. I can't take out DD8 to do fun things and risk leaving the two ds's together or alone. It all feels so hopeless and dysfunctional. I am so so so tired of parenting sad

flow4 Thu 09-May-13 22:05:43

Brighter, it sounds like you're having a really, really hard time at the mo. sad When will your DP be back? Can you and DD get out for some treats then?

igot, well done to your DS (and you) for kicking the heroin. I'm hoping the 5 days are now 8. smile

abba, don't feel a failure. It's not you, it's them. Almost certainly, in five years time, you'll look back on this as a dark time, but your DD will have passed through the worst.

MuchBrighterNow Thu 09-May-13 22:21:38

Thanks flow

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