ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Ok, in state of panic. DD is 13 and lately full of attitude and completely obsessed with herself and freinds, probably pretty normal stuff. Yesterday went to friends from half day at school and was meant to be having a sleepover. She then text at 7:30 to ask if she could get bus at 10 from friends house. I said thought you were staying and no 10pm is too late. After numerous texts where I thought she was really pushing things we agreed on her getting the bus at 9pm. When she came in she threw her head round door and straight away I thought something was up. Asked her to come back in and asked her how was school, how was your day etc She got very defensive and her step-Dad (of 12 years) asked her if she had been drinking. She then burst into tears and said she couldn't believe we would think this, not believe....much dramatics and totally out of character. I then told her to go to her room. I went up and asked for her phone and said she was grounded. She seemed under the influence of something. We then got into huge fight and it was very clear she was drunk or on drugs and I slapped her and told her to go to bed. Checked on her throughout the night and early morning. Had to take ds (3) for an appointment this morning and was out of the house for 90 minutes when I got back she was gone. Have been round to friends and she's not there and friend said they were not drinking last night.
Long story and thank you if you've made it to here.
Not sure what to do now. Do I phone the police...do I wait a bit? Have sent her facebook message but she doesn't have her phone so can't phone.
Any help/advice much appreciated
Hahahaha, you made me imagine what my DS2 (almost 13) would say if I suggested we did a dance class together - so I asked!!
> looks mischievous <
Not surprisingly, he said 'no', though his response was less dramatic than I imagined! He also said "No offence, it's not you, it's the dancing"! I imagine most teenagers would sooner die than dance with their mothers - a fact my DS2 confirmed!
I think the secret to success is probably to find something they want to do... In my DS's case, this is usually (a) eating cake or (b) watching something together.
I'm afraid I think teenage behaviour gets worse and 13 is just the beginning. But I think parenting is hardest at the beginning, with your first child, when you are just caught totally by surprise by how awful your 'little baby' has become and have no idea what to do about it! It feels so personal, and it makes most parents panic a bit, and I think most of us make loads of mistakes, especially at first... As you get more experienced you get better at detaching, staying calm, and looking after yourself when they're being especially awful... And in my case I found it especially helpful when I realised other people were going through similar things, and my DS1 wasn't uniquely terrible, just terrible!
Well flow4 you may not think of yourself as fab but I think your advice is! Can I just message for your advice when teenage things crop up?! I did suggest to dd that we do a dance class together something just the two if us and got met with a look of disbelief bordering on scorn!! Will persevere though, maybe going to the cinema may be more acceptable than seeing me trying to dance! Also going to make conscious effort to hear her and ask ds to wait so that she knows I value what she has to say. Ashamed to say Sony think this always happens as ds such a demanding wee so & so
Thank you so much for taking the time to give me advice. Do the teenage years get easier than when they're 13? Altho I remember mine well and pretty sure they get worse!!
Thanks clutter, I don't know about 'fab' but I am pretty level-headed... My DS1 has still reduced me to screaming apoplexy and weeping jelly on occasions tho'... Not now, but when it all first started, 4 years ago or so...
The attention thing is really tricky, because teens do need attention, but pretend they don't... Whereas toddlers are 'in yer face' and impossible to ignore. It must be really difficult for you.
I have a hunch that it could help if you could find a way to clearly and deliberately prioritise your DD sometimes... This could include just saying to your toddler "Wait a minute. DD needs me now" ; but also making some 'special' time - doing something she likes that your toddler can't do, or just going for a coffee together or something... You might need to be prepared for her to turn you down the first time ( too busy, interferes with her plans, why would she want to spend time with you , etc... ) but I betcha that if you persist ( "OK, another time then, it would be really nice to spend a bit of time just with you" ) it will pay off!
That's "book" not "work"
flow4 you sound fab & very level headed. Had to laugh at title of work as that is precisely what it's like! Have ordered it!
I definitely don't give her as much attention as toddler as she doesn't seem to need it whereas toddler needs, demands, craves my attention!! Thank you for link to book
clutter. Have you read this book?
Maybe she hadn't taken anything... I think it's easy to underestimate the energy kids that age have, and how manic they can be when they're excited but over-tired - as bad as hyper toddlers, IMO! You're right you need to find a way to give your 13 yo as much attention as your 3 yo, tho' in different ways..
Thanks flow4 really good advice and do think myself & dh handled the whole situation really badly. I think that I need to appreciate how good she is. I did speak to her about the situation a couple of nights later when things were much calmer & she is still denying that she was under the influence of anything. I'm worried that she is experimenting with legal highs, it is terrifying me! I am probably quite distracted sometimes with very lively energetic demanding 3 year old ds and do maybe miss my dd's needs. I think having a 13 year old dd & 3 year old ds is so incredibly hard. Maybe I need to read some self help book for raising teenage daughters!
It's very easy to handle situations badly in the early teenage years, when your DC are giving you new things to deal with every day! But you really do need to do things differently next time, clutter, or I think you are going to have a lot of problems...
Firstly, your reactions and behaviour were unfair. Teenagers' plans do fall through. Your DD texted you to let you know; she asked for what she wanted (coming home later than usual, at 10pm, as a sort of 'consolation prize' for not getting the sleepover she'd wanted); she had a bit of an argument about times (like they do); she agreed to compromise (and come home at 9pm) and then she stuck to it.
So in a nutshell, she communicated with you fully and left her friends/social gathering/party/FUN and came home early - even though she'd been hoping to have a sleepover and must have been disappointed - not because she wanted to, but because you wanted it and told her to.
This is really good - your DD behaved very well!
When she got home, she could reasonably have expected you to say "Hey, hi! Thanks for sticking to our agreement. You must be really disappointed you didn't get your sleepover. And I appreciate that you came home earlier than you wanted to. Thanks!"
But instead, you gave her a hard time, sent her to her room, carried the argument on by following her upstairs, took her phone, grounded her and then slapped her.
If you are not very careful, and if you do not recognise and appreciate when your DD communicates and compromises with you, she will stop doing it. There are other, much worse ways your DD could have handled the situation last night, and she might choose one of these next time. She could have ...
- Told you about the cancelled sleepover, but just refused to come home early, and come back at the time she wanted.
- Agreed to come home at 9pm, but actually not turned up until the time she wanted... Or even later, to 'get back at you' for being unfair.
- Not bothered to text you to tell you the sleepover was cancelled until later - 'til after 9pm, or after 10pm, or until whenever the friend's dad actually kicked them out (this happened with/to my DS once at midnight, after the last bus had gone)...
- Not bothered to tell you the sleepover was cancelled at all, and gone somewhere else - perhaps just to another friend's house, or perhaps going with another friend to see if they could get in to a pub or club... And you may never have known where she was...
The alcohol issue is a separate one IMO. You never get anywhere discussing alcohol/drugs with teenagers who are actually still drunk/stoned/otherwise intoxicated - you need to leave any/all discussion until they are sober again.
If you really feel you must, the only sensible thing to say when they come home drunk/stoned is "Hmm, well thanks for sticking to our agreement, but I'm not happy you've been drinking... I'll talk to you about that in the morning. Good night".
Usually, the best time for these conversations is the next day, but you lost your chance on this occasion... I think you probably need to leave it until the next time she asks to go out somewhere, and say "Yes, sure - but if you come back drunk like last time, you will be grounded and you won't be going anywhere else for a while".
Oh and teenagers love drama... Your mum definitely gave very good advice when she said "she'll probably come back home at tea-time and I shoudn't panic and just act very blase' when she returns".
It's a bit ironic that most of us mums don't get wise until after our own kids have stopped being difficult!
Aw thank you special I had gone up to speak to her as calmer than my dh! Then with her attitude something snapped in me & I'm still not 100% that something hadn't been going on think she has learned something and definitely that we care. She said she thought I wouldn't of been bothered & would still be mad when she got back...quite typical teenage stuff. I'm really glad that when she was really upset the place she wanted to go to was my mums
Good happy ending.
I have a lot of sympathy with the OP who got pushed too far by the kind of teenage attitude that none of our parents would ever have accepted.
hopefully daughter has also learned something, and has apologised in her turn. No tango is a solo.
Spoke with dd & she said her friends mum had said her & friend could stay but she was going out & then friends dad ha said they were not staying. Friend then said they could stay tonight and her dad would be more laid back as would be finished for Christmas holidays think that really was all there was too it. Not totally convinced she wasn't under some influence last night but just glad she's safe and want us all to have a nice Christmas
agree with happydad - something happened. but suggest you leave it now, till doing something uncontroversial together, in a few weeks, and chatting about nothing in particular. it will prob come up then
If she was meant to be on a sleep over then came home, Obviously something happened whilst she was at her friends house which has upset her. Does she have a boyfriend or were there boys there? You would have been able to smell if she had been drinking and the fact she got so upset suggests something else wrong. Bullying or peer pressure to do something at her friends house seems more likely especially the age she is. Having such a young sibling may have distracted you from noticing your daughters behavour changing. The police wont class her as missing until a certain number of hours have elapsed anyway.
Yep I'm definitely going to try and not over react & not lose my temper & to listen to what she is saying
Thanks goodness! You must be so relieved. Hope you Enjoy a nice quiet evening
That's good. Next time try not to over react so much!
So glad she has turned up - giver her her favourite tea and have a quiet night in together. Tomorrow maybe do a mum and daughter trip to the shops. You must be so relieved.
Just went to her other grandparents and not there, he phoned her Dad not there, came home and then she just came in! She had got 2 buses down to my Mum's, sat on her doorstep for 2 hours and 2 buses back. Really really wish I'd drove down to my Mum's!! Didn't think she would go there if she thought no-one was home. Gave her huge hug, apologised for losing my temper and slapping her and gave her her phone back. Now making her her favourite tea and going to run her over to her friends. She said her and her friends just thought it would be better to have sleepover tonight rather than last night? She just seemed to be acting really out of character, but she said me and step-dad were looking at her really suspiciously. Her friend did say she was high as a kite so maybe was a combination of her being hyper and me being exhausted! Just so glad she is safe and well was really starting to worry. So true about teen girls loving the drama, her friends have been in tears and so glad she is ok...they wanted to go out looking for her!!
Also my dd says since she has been on bbm and facebook it is all saying she is missing as her friends have put missing alerts on for her
Thanks for support and advice
Hope she comes back soon! Have you been to her gran's to see if she's huddled pitifully on the doorstep? That's where I'd be if I were her.
Out of interest, what was it that made you think she was on something? and did you ask the friend/her mum why your DD decided to leave her friend's house instead of staying over?
Any news? Hoping she's home safe and sound
Her best friend has just messaged to say her friends are really worried and she is trying her best to find out if anyone has heard from dd. I said I really appreciated all her help and that if I didn't hear soon may need to contact police for advice
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