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Ok, in state of panic. DD is 13 and lately full of attitude and completely obsessed with herself and freinds, probably pretty normal stuff. Yesterday went to friends from half day at school and was meant to be having a sleepover. She then text at 7:30 to ask if she could get bus at 10 from friends house. I said thought you were staying and no 10pm is too late. After numerous texts where I thought she was really pushing things we agreed on her getting the bus at 9pm. When she came in she threw her head round door and straight away I thought something was up. Asked her to come back in and asked her how was school, how was your day etc She got very defensive and her step-Dad (of 12 years) asked her if she had been drinking. She then burst into tears and said she couldn't believe we would think this, not believe....much dramatics and totally out of character. I then told her to go to her room. I went up and asked for her phone and said she was grounded. She seemed under the influence of something. We then got into huge fight and it was very clear she was drunk or on drugs and I slapped her and told her to go to bed. Checked on her throughout the night and early morning. Had to take ds (3) for an appointment this morning and was out of the house for 90 minutes when I got back she was gone. Have been round to friends and she's not there and friend said they were not drinking last night.
Long story and thank you if you've made it to here.
Not sure what to do now. Do I phone the police...do I wait a bit? Have sent her facebook message but she doesn't have her phone so can't phone.
flow4 you sound fab & very level headed. Had to laugh at title of work as that is precisely what it's like! Have ordered it! I definitely don't give her as much attention as toddler as she doesn't seem to need it whereas toddler needs, demands, craves my attention!! Thank you for link to book
Thanks clutter, I don't know about 'fab' but I am pretty level-headed... My DS1 has still reduced me to screaming apoplexy and weeping jelly on occasions tho'... Not now, but when it all first started, 4 years ago or so...
The attention thing is really tricky, because teens do need attention, but pretend they don't... Whereas toddlers are 'in yer face' and impossible to ignore. It must be really difficult for you.
I have a hunch that it could help if you could find a way to clearly and deliberately prioritise your DD sometimes... This could include just saying to your toddler "Wait a minute. DD needs me now" ; but also making some 'special' time - doing something she likes that your toddler can't do, or just going for a coffee together or something... You might need to be prepared for her to turn you down the first time ( too busy, interferes with her plans, why would she want to spend time with you , etc... ) but I betcha that if you persist ( "OK, another time then, it would be really nice to spend a bit of time just with you" ) it will pay off!
Well flow4 you may not think of yourself as fab but I think your advice is! Can I just message for your advice when teenage things crop up?! I did suggest to dd that we do a dance class together something just the two if us and got met with a look of disbelief bordering on scorn!! Will persevere though, maybe going to the cinema may be more acceptable than seeing me trying to dance! Also going to make conscious effort to hear her and ask ds to wait so that she knows I value what she has to say. Ashamed to say Sony think this always happens as ds such a demanding wee so & so Thank you so much for taking the time to give me advice. Do the teenage years get easier than when they're 13? Altho I remember mine well and pretty sure they get worse!!
Hahahaha, you made me imagine what my DS2 (almost 13) would say if I suggested we did a dance class together - so I asked!! > looks mischievous < Not surprisingly, he said 'no', though his response was less dramatic than I imagined! He also said "No offence, it's not you, it's the dancing"! I imagine most teenagers would sooner die than dance with their mothers - a fact my DS2 confirmed!
I think the secret to success is probably to find something they want to do... In my DS's case, this is usually (a) eating cake or (b) watching something together.
I'm afraid I think teenage behaviour gets worse and 13 is just the beginning. But I think parenting is hardest at the beginning, with your first child, when you are just caught totally by surprise by how awful your 'little baby' has become and have no idea what to do about it! It feels so personal, and it makes most parents panic a bit, and I think most of us make loads of mistakes, especially at first... As you get more experienced you get better at detaching, staying calm, and looking after yourself when they're being especially awful... And in my case I found it especially helpful when I realised other people were going through similar things, and my DS1 wasn't uniquely terrible, just terrible!