Dd's bedroom is REVOLTING. WWYD?

(160 Posts)
TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 10:39:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FirstTimeForEverything Mon 17-Dec-12 12:00:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anameforahouse Mon 17-Dec-12 12:00:33

Sorry but it doesn't always pass.

I was horrendously messy till I had a DD, at 34!

SantasLittleElfycat Mon 17-Dec-12 12:01:32

I was a bit like this too and am now fairly tidy and getting better all the time. You'd be welcome into my house for a cuppa without me thinking it over anyway.

Maybe do a bit of a flylady thing with her. First day she has to do 1 thing (cups or bin stuff probably) that's it. Then the next day she has to do task 1 again if needed plus task 2, that'll be those 2 jobs done. Day three she just does those 2 things again and day 4 you add one other task. It's hard when you look at the whole room as one job, split it up.Make jobs just 10 minutes to begin with.

You'll need sanctions if she doesn't do her tasks. After all asking her to spend 5 minutes collecting bits from her room is reasonable, her refusal wouldn't be. Fine her, refuse to cook for her, charge her for any tasks you do for her (laundry, cooking etc) until she earns the right by doing her task.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Mon 17-Dec-12 12:03:12

Ive had this problem as well, especially the "privacy thing", I eventually lost it - black bagged EVERYTHING that was not already put away including bedding and threw it outside in the rain, the mouldy drinks in with the clothes, CDs, books, rubbish, everything went in black bags by the bin. We have fortnightly collections and so they had 2 weeks to sort it.

I only allowed one bag at a time back into the house, and dirty clothes had to go into machine.

I even pulled out the wardrobes (another who came across used sanitary towels) because they were full of crap as well.

As I say - I cannot control what they do or where they go, but I can control what is acceptable in my home, under my roof, that they do not in anyway pay for.

I did it because of the hygiene and younger children issue. I refuse to have a room in the house that is unsafe for the smaller DCs.

Roseformeplease Mon 17-Dec-12 12:06:22

You say she had her boyfriend over? Surely, you can ban all guests in the house until her room is tidy - even citing your own shame as a reason. Ditto banning food and drink up there until she learns to return things to the kitchen. Stop making her a packed lunch. She is not eating it.

In our house (country) these kind of things would mean mice in the house.

An extreme measure would be to get in the people who clean up after crimes / house of grime etc. Book an appoinment for them to come round and tell her either she does it or they do and that she will be billed for the amount.

Take her phone away - or stop paying the contract / block the number (not sure if you can do this)

It is about lack of respect for you and your rules. She either living at home and obeying the rules or, at 18, she is on her own.,

Startail Mon 17-Dec-12 12:07:26

Why do parents consider their teens rooms a no go area in the first place?

OK DD is 14, but I wander in and out all the time. I chatter to her, kiss her good night.
Put clothes away, grab socks and plates to wash, open her curtains.
Hunt for what ever she's lost this time.
Borrow her nice crayons and felts.
Steal back my scissors, stapler, string etc.

Every now and then I demand to see all the floor because DH is hoovering.

I refuse to have anything to do with his stupid heavy dyson.

anameforahouse Mon 17-Dec-12 12:10:28

"She either living at home and obeying the rules or, at 18, she is on her own."

That's pretty extreme.

At 18, if I'd have been given this ultimatum, I'd have simply walked out the front door without a second thought. Does the OP actually want her DD to move out? She hasn't said so. She may well want her at home to support her with A-Levels. I would.

I would never threaten my child with chucking them out, personally, not over something like a messy room anyway.

FirstTimeForEverything Mon 17-Dec-12 12:11:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsElleTow Mon 17-Dec-12 12:12:03

You can and must sanction her!

No boyfriend round to stay.
No friends in her room.
No food upstairs.
No more making packed lunches.(make sure you get hold of her birthday money first)
No more doing her laundry.
All cups downstairs by X time.
X day is room cleaning day.
X day is making sure all rubbish is out.
X day is bed changing.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Mon 17-Dec-12 12:15:12

tbh for me the more i was nagged to do something, the less i felt like doing it. it was only when i was left to my own devices when i did it because i felt the decision to was my own rather than following an order. immature, yes, but some teens are at 16/17/18.

OP i would just leave her to her pit. dont do any washing or tidying for her, stop making lunches. it's your house so food and dishes are banned upstairs. she'll soon realise she needs to puta load in the machine and that she cant find the other shoe because her room is such a tip. let her see that her mess only creates problems for her. and yes if you are so embarassed then ban guests to her room until it's cleaned.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Mon 17-Dec-12 12:17:41

My DD's room is very untidy but she doesn't eat there or have any food in the room. Perhaps doing the same with your DD might be a simple-ish way for you to feel her room wasn't disgusting
Also I think you have to try to keep up the positive regard and un-conditional love for your children, whether or not you decide to tackle issues such as messy bedrooms. (Yes, I know sounds a bit lentil-weavery but what the heck grin)
DS is much tidier BTW - and wins all the organisation and smartness prizes in this house !
Will be interested to see what others think about eg. going in to collect clothes in need of wash from the floordrobe !

halcyondays Mon 17-Dec-12 12:21:42

I was very messy as a teenager and unfortunately I still am, but I was never really one to have rotting food or mouldy cups in my room. It was mainly just clothes on the floor and general junk. If she is old enough to have a boyfriend staying over, then she's old enough to bring her mugs downstairs.

I'd tolerate the clothes and general mess, but I'd have zero tolerance on rotting food and mouldy cups left to fester. She's entitled to her privacy but that affects the rest of the house as it could encourage mice, will make the whole house smelly and other people need to use the cups. Basically, a lot of teenagers have untidy rooms, which is up to them, but I'd draw the line at anything which is a health hazard or causing inconvenience to anyone else. If she doesn't want you to have to go through everything in order to clean up, then she needs to learn to keep the room halfway hygienic, even if it's not tidy.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Mon 17-Dec-12 12:22:19

Its impossible to stop them taking food in their rooms, they just sneak it in - DCs room stank of alcohol - when I black bagging, I found an apple so rotten, the juice had fermented.

nannyof3 Mon 17-Dec-12 12:23:22

Scream and sob???

Do it, put everything on her bed, remove her door, remove things like the tv, dvd player, computer..
Tell her if she cant tidy after herself then she cant have nice things.

Ur going to have rats if ur not careful

OpheliasWeepingWillow Mon 17-Dec-12 12:32:12

Oh god this was me as a teenager. Once the burglar alarm was set off when my parents were not there. Police said to neighbours who had a key that all looked ok but one room may have been ransacked blush

At college I had to actually move out of my room until I could find source of horrendous smell (carrots under bed)

My mugs had mould AND fag butts in them. Bleeeee.

Nothing worked until I grew up and had a baby.

It's like I have a phobia of clearing up.

Personally I would go hard and heavy - just go in there with bin bags and dettol.
Someone should have intervened with me sooner!

FelicityWasSanta Mon 17-Dec-12 12:32:51

She's an A/A* A level student? This means she CAN reason- she just doesn't want to with you. Sit her down and make her.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 12:35:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piprabbit Mon 17-Dec-12 12:41:04

Take a look at this parentchannel.tv video on how to handle your teenager's smelly room.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Mon 17-Dec-12 12:43:20

She wont care, its only because the black bags became a reality mine sorts things out.

Its this sense of entitlement they have because we have turned them into spoilt brats they have everything handed to them on a plate so they appreciate nothing.

Screaming and crying wont work.

Begging wont work.

Pleading wont work.

Black bag it all - put it outside and if she brings it back in do the same again.

And again.

That is what works.

What does she do in terms of chores/generally helping out around the house?

bigkidsdidit Mon 17-Dec-12 12:47:01

I was exactly like this blush

I'm now extremely house proud.

Nothing worked for me until I went to university and lived with people I wanted to impress. Sorry.

Still, at least she moves out in nine months!

piprabbit Mon 17-Dec-12 12:48:29

BTW - she should be paying you some sort of rent to help towards household costs...even if you secretly stash it away and give it back to her when she needs a deposit for her own place.

Wilding Mon 17-Dec-12 13:00:44

If you can't sanction her then black bagging and binning the lot (and actually following through on your threat) is the only way to go, surely? Give her a date it has to be tidy by, and stick to it. FWIW, I was an incredibly messy teenager and normally would just say ignore it, but she sounds like a level beyond that and you really don't want to end up with mice.

Oh, and stop making her packed lunches - if she throws them in the bin you're just wasting food anyway.

TalkinPeace2 Mon 17-Dec-12 13:07:14

Your house, your rules.

Today is Monday.
Put a note on her door : "On Thursday I will clear your room of everything that is not put away in its proper place"

Tomorrow "In two days time I will clear your room of EVERYTHING that is not put away in its proper place"

Wednesday "Tomorrow I will CLEAR your room of EVERYTHING that is not in its proper place.

Thursday morning go in with bin bags.
Scoop EVERYTHING up. No triaging, no sorting - mugs and ipod in the same bag.
The whole blerdy lot.
And then lock all of the bags into the shed / boot of car / other out of the way place.
Hoover her floor and put clean sheets on the empty bed in the empty room.

Then hold your ground when the histrionics start.
For at least two hours.
Then make her sort the bags outside in the cold before ANYTHING comes back in to be put away in its proper place.

It works.

sneezecakesmum Mon 17-Dec-12 13:11:25

Just leave it and her alone. Don't wash or cook for her she's an adult she can do it herself. Sooner or later she will get fed up. DO NOT NAG or refer to it in any way. The more you go on the stubborner she will get.

Amazingly when she eventually moves out she will keep her own home pristine....wait and see grin

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