Dd's bedroom is REVOLTING. WWYD?

(160 Posts)
TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 10:39:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 17-Dec-12 10:42:07

I would (and have in the past) gone in, bagged it up and thrown it out. If she wants to talk about privacy and respect she needs to respect your right to a clean home. I don't mind if their rooms are untidy, they can be as untidy as they like but I will not tolerate unsanitary conditions in my home.

noddyholder Mon 17-Dec-12 10:42:12

Ditto ds is 18 too. I turn off modem and tv and say do it or I will and you will have no privacy. The rest of the time I shut the door.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 10:47:21

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ggirl Mon 17-Dec-12 10:48:34

My dd is the same although not the rotting food bit. She's nearly 21 now though and lives away at uni.
I put up with messy clothes etc all over the floor , just shut the door .
I don't do her laundry , she does it so if she chooses to wash everything on the floor then she does it not me.

I would make her get rid of the rotten food as it's a hygiene issue..can you not just make her do it?

As for the mugs , again ask her to bring all the stuff back down stairs.

It is disgusting but my dd will essentially do as i ask and I would insist on the food ect being cleared up but ignore the other mess and leave her room alone.

If she won't just do as you ask is there any sanction you can impose , do you help pay for anything (mobile , car , clothes?)

ggirl Mon 17-Dec-12 10:50:23

yes remove the modem is a good one
and stop doing her laundry

Fairylea Mon 17-Dec-12 10:52:12

I used to be like your dd. Oops. I am now completely a clean freak as a 32 year old so there is hope!! I once had a cup go so mouldy the mouldy bounced off the sink when I tried to tip it down it. Hmm.

I suggest monetary fines. And refuse to wash any of her clothes. At all. At 18 she can learn to do it herself. I would also Say to her that unless she cleans it properly by next week then everything is going in the bin. And stick to it. Seriously. She turns on the water works because she knows it tugs at your heart strings and you don't mean it.
Mess is one thing, an environmental health hazard is not on. Even if she was a lodger she would have to sort it.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 10:52:41

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hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 17-Dec-12 10:53:09

I'd give her fair warning, usually a couple of days, that if it isn't tidied properly then I'd be going in to do it myself and if I have to do it I just put everything that is on the floor into black sacks and bin it.

I am weeping here TSC. Everything you have mentioned is exactly the same as my dds pigsty bedroom, right down to the manky cups & rotting food.

BUT my dd is only 12 and I had assumed the filthy-phase would be well behind me soon, if your dd is 18 then I have no hope left sad

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Mon 17-Dec-12 10:57:36

DD's only 12 but she's heading the same way.

I'm being realistic. She seems to like living in a mess and I was similar at her age, but there are limits.

Every Thursday evening I check her room, and unless her floor is completely clear - including behind her bed - and all washing up and dirty washing is out, she doesn't get her pocket money. It only had to happen twice.

As ggirl said, are there any sanctions you can use?

Bonsoir Mon 17-Dec-12 11:01:29

You have been giving her far too much freedom to be disgusting! It's your home and you have every right to ensure it is hygienic. Go in there and clean it.

RatherBeOnThePiste Mon 17-Dec-12 11:01:44

If you take the door off, you will be forced to look at it, and it might start escaping.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 11:02:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir Mon 17-Dec-12 11:02:43

Why oh why does any parent let their child(ren) eat and drink in their bedrooms?

Dsd1is exactly the same. She's a bit younger though - 15. She phoned dp last night to ask if she could have new shoes for Christmas Party tonight. He went round to her mums to see what was needed, to discover that stepdad had said she could have new shoes no problem, if she cleaned her room out. She said she was too busy hmm so he'd said "ok, no shoes" which was when she'd called dp.
To his credit (and in a rare example of effective co-parenting) dp said, "you heard the man, tidy your room". Dsd1 is still claiming to be too busy although nobody else can work out what she's busy doing, so she may well end up at party with no shoes.
<<several pairs of shoes deemed useless languish unloved in the manky bedroom>>
I personally would go with door off hinges until room is done, but I am known for my mean spirit grin

sparkle12mar08 Mon 17-Dec-12 11:09:15

I'd give her three days warning tonight - so that if it's not done by Friday morning you'll black bag the lot. And I'd mean it. But then I'm utterly ruthless with issues like this. By the time I was 18 I'd lost my mother and was living independently outside the family home - she's perfectly capable of looking after herself and it's your responsibility to let her do that.

anameforahouse Mon 17-Dec-12 11:11:58

This was me at 18. Well 16, actually, I'd pretty much left home by 18.

My mum tried withholding any money. It didn't work, I went without for about 5 months till she caved in and started giving me money again. I was very stubborn. I can't imagine what she could have witheld from me to make me do it.

I never learnt how to be tidy, I just moved out eventually, and have been messy ever since. (Better since becoming a mum, but this is an extreme solution, and not one I'm suggesting for your 18yo!)

I can still remember my mum getting upset about presents she'd got for me being all over the place. She must have really laid it on the line, I still feel guilty! But it didn't make me tidy. Just made me feel bad about myself (although I wouldn't have admitted that to my mum!)

IMO you need to be calm but firm. Don't make her feel like shit. You may think she's not depressed, but on some level, she doesn't value herself enough to take care of her environment. She also simply hasn't learnt the habit of tidying. I imagine she is probably not very good at planning her time.

Have a talk with her. Listen to her. Give her a chance to tell you why she thinks her room is so messy. Explain to her - calmly, that things need to change because you need to help her learn how to do it for herself.

Say you're going to have a room amnesty. Say that you want to respect her privacy, but you need to make a plan together to get out of this mess. I think she needs some help with planning. I would suggest setting a time very day (8pm?) when she brings out anything that shouldn't be in there (cups, etc). Then agree a day, once a week, which is her tidying day. For the first few weeks (3 or 4?) maybe do it with her - but, and this is essential, please, don't berate her while you help her. Try to keep the mood positive as much as possible. The point of helping her is to get her into the habit of doing regular cleaning tasks. Explain this to her. The deal is, if she lets you in to help her tidy, then eventually she get her privacy (and allowance?) in return.

After your initial amnesty, keep asking her for cups at 8pm, and expect her to keep her cleaning day up (possibly in return for allowance or something else essential to her?)

Good luck!

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 11:12:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 17-Dec-12 11:13:51

Why are you making her a packed lunch?

Chopsypie Mon 17-Dec-12 11:13:52

I was once the dirty manky teenager.
My mum shut the door when it got bad, and then stopped everything. No washing, no lifts, no food, no money.
She said if I wanted to live like a pig, she was pretending that I didnt live there. I lasted 3 days.

HollyMadison Mon 17-Dec-12 11:15:52

Sounds like doing the whole room would be a massive job and asking her to do everything or writing long lists will probably get emotional. Maybe focus on the food mess and mugs as that affects the rest of the household. Maybe ask her to get the mugs as they are needed, handing her a tray so she can carry them, and say whilst she's doing that can she bring down the food rubbish as otherwise she'll get ants and maybe mice in there. Surely she won't want that!!

I'd stop doing her laundry. When I was that age I'd left home and so had almost all my friends. And why does she throw out her sandwiches? Do you make them? Stop that too. She surely won't throw her lunch if she's had to make it. Maybe live with the clothes and papers. And don't worry about the TV thing. It is a very generous gift but if she can't sort it out she can't enjoy it.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 11:17:33

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SantasLittleControlGeek Mon 17-Dec-12 11:17:50

You actually own 11 (ELEVEN) cups?? shock How about letting DD choose a cup, and then that is her cup. Likewise, allocate one cup per remaining member of the household and box the rest up for guest use and put out of the way. Then if DD wants a drink, she'll have to bring it down before she can refill it.

Is there any reason why she must take fruit and sandwiches up to her bedroom? Can't you insist all food is eaten downstairs?

Can you try giving her just one task to do, and setting a time limit? Eg 'put all your clothes to be washed in this basket in the next ten minutes please, I'm about to put a load on', 'I'm about to do the bins, will you pass me your rubbish now please'. Perhaps you could make a team effort out of the more tedious stuff - sorting clothes for hanging up etc, instead of making it a battle of wills. 'Come on, I've got 15 minutes, let's see how many shoes we can pair up' kind of thing.

Does she have enough storage space in her room for her things, or are they out because she doesn't really have anywhere to put them? Looking back on my own mess, I just had so much stuff and nowhere to put it. Perhaps a charity sort-out might help?

Speaking as a very slovenly teenager these were things my mum did automatically with me, so she only really had to deal with the untidiness aspect.

MsElleTow Mon 17-Dec-12 11:17:51

I wouldn't and don't tolerate that sort of disgusting mess from my boys (18) and 16 next week. There are allowed to take drinks/food upstairs but the rules are everything, apart from a glass of water, has to be downstairs in the dishwasher before they go to bed!

I do their laundry, and put it in their rooms. Sometimes I put it away because I am a bit of a sap, but they usually do. They don't leave their dirty clothes/pyjamas lying on the floor.

Since they were old enough to hold a duster they have been expected to dust their rooms every weekend. Ditto, Hoover. They, also, have to empty their bins. We don't like them to put food stuff in their bins.

I'm bloody lucky with my kids, DS2 is obsessively tidy and DS1 wants to join the Army so needs to be tidy.

In your shoes, I would tell her that as she can not give a shit about your house and doesn't respect your rules, you don't respect her privacy, for now, and get in there with some bin bags and anti bac spray and bottom it. I'm not being funny, but you have a little DS with bad asthma, all that dust and mould spores aren't really very good for him!

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