Should I check my 13yo daughter's FB account and phone?

(13 Posts)
Stressball Wed 12-Dec-12 04:44:44

I have been regularly checking my daughter's FB account for the last few weeks, as well as all her messages... I feel like a stalker!!
Part of me thinks I should let go and allow her to 'blossom' on her own without a psycho interfering mum, but if I can keep tabs on these things, then why shouldn't I??
It's the dreaded BOYS!! It seems teenage boys nowadays are just horrendous pervs! Numerous boys asking for naked/topless pictures (she's really not that kind of girl) and also sending her pictures of 'them self'. She declines, by saying 'maybe later' or 'not yet' rather than 'no way!'
They are saying everything they can to persuade her, I love you being the one she falls for... Not that she sends pictures but she can't understand that they are just scumbags! Not to mention, the ones she meets on the Internet (KIK messenger, from which she is now banned!) could possibly be dirty old men.
The Internet is a minefield for things like this and I just want to keep her safe, but at the same time I know she needs space to grow up
Today I even messaged a boy from her account (boyfriend apparently!!) who was asking for naked pics, got bored as she wouldn't, then said 'well if you love me buy me a new phone by next Tuesday'!!!
She was less than impressed as he ended up 'dumping' her. I know I shouldn't have, but he's taking advantage of her. Her friends even say he's using her.
I know messaging on her account was a step too far, but is it really time to let her go??

No, not at all - you police it until she's much older.

And you need to spend some time watching the CEOP videos on YouTube with her - once out there a photo or video of her will exist forever so you need to make sure she doesn't take nude pictures and send them at all. Anyone doing that is disseminating child pornography. Not to mention being preyed on by predators, there is plenty of those on the Internet. And you need rules too, like not to add people she doesn't actually know in real life.

Young women have committed suicide over having photos publicised that they've sent to their 'boyfriends' - they get passed round school, called horrible names and that shit hangs around a long time.

You need to encourage her to be very careful. I do all of the above and have her Facebook on my phone so I can see what she's doing and she's previously had messages from a '15 year old who is home educated' - in reality a 43 year old man I had to report to the police. He had messaged half the girls in her year asking for pictures.

DeafLeopard Wed 12-Dec-12 05:56:29

Of course you should do everything you can to supervise and protect your child.

I have one of those "dreaded boys" and I have to do the same.

sashh Wed 12-Dec-12 08:52:55

make sure she doesn't take nude pictures and send them at all. Anyone doing that is disseminating child pornography


Bigtime. She could end up on the sex offender's register. Yes I know that sounds dramatic, but it is true Oh and pictures posing in a bikini can aslo be classed as that.

The 'maybe later' and 'not yet' is worrying me with my feminist hat on. She doesn't sound confident enough to say F off you perv. And anyone who is asking for a naked pic of a 13 year old is a pervert.

Also falling for 'I love you'. Does she know haw many men say that just before or after beating a woman? "I only do this because I love you and I get angry when you.....' or 'if you loved me you would' after asking a female to do something she doesn't want to do.

You do need to police this, and she needs to know you do. It is about her safety.

Would you let her go out to a strange city on her own? In a way that's what the internet is, it's a place, a virtual place with good and bad people. But the BIG difference is you cannot tell what people look like, their age, or anything else.

It is easy for bad people to do bad things using the internet.

3b1g Wed 12-Dec-12 09:02:09

All our children know that we get a weekly list of everything they have searched for online. DS1 and DS2 know that every email they send and receive comes into the family inbox. DS1 knows that I check his text messages every so often and I follow him on Twitter. When he joins Facebook in February I will have his password. That isn't stalking, it's parental supervision. I have never hidden the fact that I check on their online activity, and they know not to do text or share anything that they wouldn't want me to see. I have told them to use the "would you be happy for your grandparents and your teachers to read this" test of whether it's appropriate to share something.

mummytime Wed 12-Dec-12 09:17:42

At my DDs school the police arrested two 14 year olds recently for sending photos around. Tell her to de-friend pervs (my DD would), and work on her self-esteem and confidence.
You could also remind her that once something is posted on the net you never can be totally sure that it has gone away, someone could have a copy somewhere.

I would also check with school that they are covering cyber-safety and cyber bullying.

seeker Wed 12-Dec-12 09:23:10

Tell her to defriend the "perves" or you will delete her account.

And please don't talk about teenage boys like that.

mummytime Wed 12-Dec-12 09:58:38

Not all teenage boys are "pervs".

Asinine Wed 12-Dec-12 10:04:33

Do you talk to her about all this? There was a lot in the news yesterday, so it would be easy to bring it up without admitting to stalking. My dd 14 doesn't have Facebook (neither do I ) but from what I understand if you're her 'friend' you can read her stuff anyway.

lljkk Wed 12-Dec-12 10:51:38

You can't read all the private messages on your friend's FB, though, Asinine, and that's where lots of these inappropriate pictures get sent. That's where the spying comes in.

It's a really fine line between privacy & supervision. I told 13yo DS about how anything he ever writes on FB he may as well publish in a national newspaper, for all the control he'll ever have over it afterwards. How bad it is when girls think it's daring to send a nuddy pic of themselves and then it gets distributed everywhere else on the Internet; not cheeky light fun any more. Blunt talking required; discussing anything sexual with your mother is painful, but he needed to hear it. I reckon only 10% of that sunk in (sigh).

Stressball Wed 12-Dec-12 11:25:55

She definitely doesn't send inappropriate pictures of herself, woe betide her if she ever did. Just worrying that she doesn't have the confidence as mentioned to say no, something i will have to work on.
Of course not all boys are scum bags, just seems teenagers in general are Into these things long before their time.
I have since had the chat, how much actually sink in I'm not sure, time will tell.... And on reflection, I will check her account until I feel confident that she can stick up for herself and tell these boys where to go.

MaryChristmaZEverybody Wed 12-Dec-12 11:34:33

Not all teenage boys are pervs.

ds2 has just got into big trouble at school because a girl took photos of herself and sent them to him and to a number of other boys.

ds2 deleted the photos and blocked her (and deleted her hundreds of messages asking to meet up). But still, he has been hauled in and made to feel like a perv, despite the school agreeing that he didn't ask for them, or do anything but delete them.

And, btw, her best (girl) friend forwarded the photographs to some of the older boys, which is why the shit hit the fan.

But the interesting thing is, she hasn't been punished at all. A number of boys, however, have been suspended.

I have found that it is extraordinary how sending inappropriate photographs is considered normal shock. A conversation with dd was very enlightening - apparently everyone does it, it's the way to get the boys to notice you confused.

So do talk to her - but don't assume that this type of thing only occurs because the boys are demanding it.

SoggySummer Wed 12-Dec-12 22:46:10

Its so worrying isnt it. Of course they all think us oldies are just paranoid about the net cos to them its all about their generation.

FWIW - I monitor my 14yo DDs FB account. I am not sure she knows I still do. WHen she first got it, it was part of the agreement. I would allow her a FB account but must be a friend and have her password.

I have had to jump in a few times and sort a few scrapes out but nothing overly serious.

I am sometimes made to feel like I am a PFB stalker paranoid type mum because I keep tabs on her FB etc but am glad to see on here others do it too. I wish more parents would. I am shocked at the overtly sexual poses on alot of my DDs friends profile pics. 13/14yo in bikinis, in summer dresses draped over a 5 bar gate with should straps falling down and skirt hitched high - all very posed, would be a nice pic if not for the disturbing sexual overtones iykwim. I look at these pics and cant believe their parents are happy for this to be out there - string bikini shots. Also DD told me alot of the girls photshop their pics so they look slimmer have bigger boobs etc in these pics.

It scares me to death if I think too much about it.

Am going to make time to read CEOP site properly and get DD to read it too.

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