Home weed drug test - positive result

(36 Posts)
Parttimeslave Sun 09-Dec-12 09:54:54

Ok. So ds2 (17) been hanging out with the "wrong sort" for ages. He's a pretty good kid from a happy, secure home, currently working (reasonably) hard for his A levels and hoping to go off to uni next Sept. He has lied in the past about smoking (we knew he did, but always denied it). Has stollen small amounts of money from my purse etc (that was before he got a Saturday job last year).

I bought home testing kits for cannabis off the internet a while back when I had slight suspicions about smelling something "odd" in the house after he'd had mates around a couple of times. I told him I owned the kits and would have no trouble giving him a random test if I ever felt I needed to. That was about 10 months ago, and haven't felt the need to do so (thank god), until last night.

I asked him to give me a urine sample after smelling the "odd" smell in the house again after we'd had a night out. He abliged (bit reluctantly) and to our horror it was positive. Dh and I sat with him calmly and he told us he didn't smoke weed and that he was given a "weed cake" at a party the night before. We don't believe him!

He has willingly agreed to be checked randomly/regularly from now on. He has been given more and more freedom to stay out late (at weekends only) and go to various 18th parties etc. He has a Saturday job and earns his own money.

Advice please. Is there anymore now we should be doing other than stay on his case and keep lines of communication open? He's lost our trust again for the time being at least, and he's not going to have as much freedom as he's had recently. I was even thinking of getting home tests for other substances that I've heard about (M-cat, speed), just in case. He never appears to be high when we see him (however he gets home late and we're often in bed!). It's such a scary, heart-wrenching situation to find yourself in. My dh is on the same page as me and we just want to keep him safe. He's is off to uni (maybe) next year - we can't check up on him then!

flow4 Tue 11-Dec-12 19:41:06

Yeah, I wonder that too, Hokey...

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Mon 10-Dec-12 18:00:19

The op hasn't been back on this one, i wonder how they felt about the responses.

ZhenThereWereTwo Sun 09-Dec-12 17:06:34

Another one saying you are being OTT re testing. I think the biggest problem you have is if he is smoking in the house which is disrespectful of him if he is. Better he smokes the odd joint in your garden with his mates than out on the street where he can get arrested for possession or get mugged wandering around late at night finding somewhere to smoke.

My mum was very very anti smoking and when I did get involved in heavier stuff and needed help I couldn't talk to her, maybe if I had some of the crap that happened to me wouldn't have.

flow4 Sun 09-Dec-12 17:04:00

No, I agree drugs testing isn't helpful. And I've written a long post saying so. But the OP is already feeling bad; she doesn't need to feel any worse - she needs information, advice and reassurance.

Im not sure forcing your adult children to take drugs tests are helpful either. I thought it was a joke when i first read it tbh.

flow4 Sun 09-Dec-12 16:53:38

The OP is understandably worried. It's scary when your kids start getting involved in things you have no experience or understanding of. She needs information and reassurance. Insults aren't helpful or necessary.

You sound quite deranged. Its the odd spliff not injecting heroin into his eyeballs.
I feel sorry for your son. Pretty much everyone experiments you know. I still enjoy the odd joint. I have 2 degrees and a good job - hasn't done me any harm.I also no longer even drink. Weed is hardly the devil.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Sun 09-Dec-12 13:14:02

Yeah grin

I need to calm down, this poor boy is most likely only testing the water, as we they do!

goralka Sun 09-Dec-12 13:13:39

sorry I think drug testing a 17 year old is OTT , you talk about breaking trust, but you obviously do not trust him at all, besides he will be 18 soon and then he can move out. Which I would if I were him.

flow4 Sun 09-Dec-12 13:11:29

Oops, we cross posted! grin I understand about the desire to 'jump in' and feel desperate to make everything better, NotW. It's incredibly stressful living with the kind of erratic behaviour drugs and mental health problems can bring, isn't it? And you can feel very powerless. And you are. sad

But luckily, it sounds like the OP is a very long way from those kinds of experiences. smile

timeforachangebaby Sun 09-Dec-12 13:10:50

Its controlling beyond all measure, most 17 year olds would refuse to provide a urine sample for their parents, the fact this one complied speaks volumes on its own.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Sun 09-Dec-12 13:10:16

Yes I totally understand that Flow4, drug around here are rife. I like to give my Dc talks a lot, I guess most people do experiment with weed, I did. For many years...thankfully I didn't move onto the 'barking at washing machine drugs' smile

flow4 Sun 09-Dec-12 13:07:34

Yes, I realised you meant the OP's son - sorry, I didn't express myself well. My point is that a drugs service will only help her DS if he chooses to go there, not if she tries to 'make' him. She may be able to get a little bit of info and support for herself, but it is likely to be rather limited, because such services are intended for people, and the families of people, with much more serious problems.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Sun 09-Dec-12 13:07:24

Yeah I agree with that, I doubt my son would give me a sample if he knew I had a test in the house, he would go find a way to trick it. Sorry I have jumped in here without thinking it through, I just think of my wacko brother barking at washing machines (not weed related)

flow4 Sun 09-Dec-12 13:03:50

And also NotWank, I don't think people are saying "weed is OK"; I think they are saying testing won't help, and might harm, for various reasons including because it damages trust and communication.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Sun 09-Dec-12 13:02:42

I was thinking of the Ops son rather than her, both my brothers started smoking weed at 14/15, they both still do, one is okay, he has a great job etc, the other isn't he has been in/out all sorts of hospital, they both moved onto harder drugs, one is fine the other, isn't, I guess I have just seen bad experiences coming from a little bit of weed smoking.

Let's hope he just sticks to a smoke and eventually gets fed up then....I do have experiences of drug drop ins, I worked in one. It was worse than weed though, I just dislike all drugs, talk to my eldest regularly about the effects of weed, which most people will say there are none... there are though imo.

flow4 Sun 09-Dec-12 12:55:33

NotWanking, a drop in drugs service will not be any use at all to the OP. They are geared up to support people with real problems, which the OP's son does not appear to have. Young people have to attend voluntarily - there is no way of forcing them - and the drugs service asks the YP very careful Qs about why they are there and what they hope to achieve: they quickly identify whether the YP themselves think they have a problem.

As a parent, drugs services can provide you with info, and some of them will also provide counselling for parents, but they will not discuss your DC's drug use with you, and they cannot work with your DC because you want them to - only if the young person themselves want help.

Bigwuss Sun 09-Dec-12 12:38:37

Great post flow4,

Testing may give an answer, but think about the consequences, testing isn't going to make him stop, just develop better skills at hiding things from you.

I spent years hiding things from a controlling mother and it affects the relationship for life.

timeforachangebaby Sun 09-Dec-12 12:34:39

gobsmacked that this is for real! Poor kid.

AngelGabrielWreakinHavoc Sun 09-Dec-12 12:31:34

That is awful behaviour from you op. You sound very controlling.
If you are not careful he will be out the door like a shot, first chance he gets.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Sun 09-Dec-12 12:23:44

I can't believe the amount of people thinking weed is okay....

They have no socilisation skills because they have been smoking weed so long. I would test my sons also if I thought they smoked weed, just because many people haven't moved on from weed to harder drugs doesn't mean your son will not, it's illegal for one thing, and not everyone doesn't go onto harder drugs!

Do you have a drop in drugs service where you are?

flow4 Sun 09-Dec-12 12:03:26

Oh and by the way, the unknown drug my DS took wasn't an illegal drug, it was a prescription drug, taken from the other boy's dad's medicine cupboard. My DS told me he thought it would be OK, because "doctors give it to people". hmm sad

FFS you drug test your 17yo.

That is absolutely shocking.

All thats going to happen is you are going to push him out the door the minute he gets a chance. I left home when I was 16 because of controlling parents and now no longer speak to my Mum. I think you could be heading down the same road.

flow4 Sun 09-Dec-12 11:47:49

Parttime, you are at risk of creating a bigger problem here, while you try to 'solve' a small one.

Those drug test kits are only any good as a preventative measure - and they are not very good even at that, since many kids (your DS included) smoke/take cannabis even if they know their parents have the kits in their drawers. Once a young person starts using, the kits are absolutely no good at all, because they give you the info that your child has used cannabis but nothing more... What you really need is info about the drug's risks, or what to do about it...

The point is, teenagers will take drugs if they want to. Parents cannot stop them - they can only inform and help to motivate young people to make positive choices.

You need to ask yourself what you want to achieve here. Presumably, most of all, you want your DS to be safe.

To be safe, your DS needs good, reliable info. He needs to know about the drugs he's taking - their effects and especially their risks. He is more likely to get this, if you make yourself better informed too - start here: www.talktofrank.com/

To be safe, your DS needs to be able to talk to you, and especially to tell you if he has a problem. If you make drugs taboo and do random test on him, he will stop talking to you.

Just to give you an example of how important communication can be... I had a scary experience with my DS in the summer, when he took something unknown, and the friend who had given it to him started having seizures and an ambulance had to be called. Because my DS trusts me, he told me, and I was able to then take practical steps: e.g. make sure he made himself sick and drank lots of water; got the name of the tablet he'd taken so I could google it, and discover if it was likely to be a medical emergency; watch him while he slept; have a conversation with him the next day about how very stupid it is to take unknown drugs... Ask yourself whether your DS would be likely to talk to you under similar circumstances? If not, you are not going to be able to help keep him safe...

To be safe, your son needs to know how to evaluate and manage risks for himself, and make his own judgements about dangers. This may well include trying out some drugs you would much rather he did not try, but it is all part of growing up. As you say, he is off to uni soon, and he needs to be able to keep himself safe by then. If you drug test him now, you risk two things: (a) he won't need to make so many decisions for himself, because you are keeping more of the control, and (b) he may just postpone experimentation until you are not there to help him...

To be safe, your DS is probably better off smoking weed than taking many other drugs. Random drug testing for cannabis may actually make him less safe, because he may switch to other drugs that cannot (yet) be reliably tested, like m-cat, or ones that have a much shorter 'test life' that reduce his chances of getting caught unless you are testing very frequently (e.g. cocaine and I think speed are only in your system for 2 days). I can imagine a situation where he has drugs 'binge' nights after you test him, because he knows he'll be 'clean' again by the time you next test him sad Incidentally, I do not think cannabis is harmless, but many other drugs are worse. Skunk is bad, and imo should not be considered the same as other forms of weed, because it has different and much worse effects, including a risk of psychosis.

To be safe and happy, your son needs to be able to continue his life, including studies, work, relationships, etc. It sounds like he is already doing this. For as long as he manages to do well at college/uni, and engage fully in life, I do not think you need to worry to much about his weed smoking. Lots of 17yo's try weed, and 30% or so smoke it regularly, but only a small proportion develop any kind of problem with it. IMO there are two entirely different types of use: smoking to relax at the end of a busy day, and smoking to block out life. If you keep communication with you DS open and honest, you are much more likely to spot any warning signs that he might be slipping from one group to the other...

To be safe, your son needs to be motivated to have a full happy life. Young people who have aspirations and things they enjoy in life do not tend to wreck their lives with drugs. They may take them, but they keep their use under control. If you feel your son does not already have this (though it sounds from what you say that he does smile ) then you can help by supporting him to find things he really wants to do - things that will engage him and give him joy and satisfaction - whether that is useful work or new hobbies. smile

It will probably also help you to talk to him and understand why he takes drugs, how well informed he is, his understanding of risks and 'risk management', etc. My advice, seriously, would be to throw away the drugs test kits, and start talking.

Good luck!

zzzzz Sun 09-Dec-12 10:37:43

Read this,

www.amazon.co.uk/Mum-Can-Lend-Twenty-Quid/dp/0749951729

I have no idea how serious "weed cake" at 17, because I was way too square to do that sort of thing at that age, but I would want to be informed.

I'm guessing if op is drugs testing her teen, there are already warning bells ringing in her head.

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