My dds 'friends' are vile to her and I think they're bullying her.

(14 Posts)
jennycrofter Thu 13-Dec-12 19:55:48

I'm just having my first look at the teenagers threads, because of a similar situation to all of the above. I can't help, because I'm still at a loss, and very very angry that my shy and hard working 13 year old doesn't want to go to school in the mornings because of nonsense like this.

I just want to wrap her in cotton wool and make it all go away. After reading through some of this though, I think I'm going to encourage her resilience a little, and tell her just to keep away from the one who is causing the problems. The beautiful and thoughtful birthday gift DD had chosen for the one at the centre of it all is going to be returned, and I am finally going to take a firm stance on being nice to so called friends of DDs who really are anything but.

Whew, it feels good to let that out. Thanks everyone for being here, poor DH is completely bewildered by it all, so I can't load any more on to him!

Doinmummy Tue 11-Dec-12 00:42:09

I feel for anyone going through this. Both the girls AND the Mums. It's awful. DD went through this I did go to the school as DD refused to go in.

There was not much the school could do really as it was all 'he said , she said'

I did witness the girls pointing, turning their backs , laughing at my DD . They were unaware I was there until I snuck up behind them put my arms around their shoulders and said in a very jolly voice ' Alright Girlies? Who are we laughing at? Can I join in? '

DD was mortified ( I was wrong I know) and it didn't help.

A couple if months later they were and still are all buddies again .

This will sort itself out. So painful for both if you .

SoggySummer Tue 11-Dec-12 00:20:06

Going through similar shit with my 14yo DD.

She is at boarding school though so has no escape.

Am at my wits end what to do. Its hard because the bullying is so subtle and underhand - awful that it is I wish sometimes it would blow up and something really significant would happen so the offending little queen bee bitch at the centre of it all could be seen by everyone for exactly what she is.

The rest of them are like bloody sheep. Just doing what the spoilt litlle Diva says. FFS

Its so petty in one way but having a massive detrimental affect of my poor DD. Her self confidence has just gone.

I have been sat here in tears (again) tonight after another phonecall from DD telling me what has been said, what she has been excluded from, the sniggering, the looks etc etc

Little Miss Diva Queen Bee when confronted a few times by various members of staff has claimed to "feel sorry" for my DD and to be "concerned" for her. Yeah right love - may be able to feed that crap to your sheep following but not a grown adult. If (big IF) this is the case and she is genuinely concerned for DD then I would dread to think how she treats someone she is not concerned for!!! Really insulted that the daft idiot thinks she can feed us this crap!!

Am fetching DD home tomorrow 5 days early for the end of term - and also dropping my detailed formal written bullying complaint - complete with dates and names of witnesses on the heads desk.

I was confused if DD was experiencing some nasty bitching or actual bullying. I read the schools anti bullying policy and ticked off what has happend to DD this term - it was all the subtle actions - but there they are on the schools bullying list. So it is a formal bullying complaint I will be making.

Its awful though isnt it.sad

Ontesterhooks Fri 07-Dec-12 20:18:52

Hearing this brings back bad memories of emotional bullying I suffered as a teenager myself ! I went to an all girls school and there was a few vile girls who took great pleasure in targeting one girl (they did this to several people over the years) at a time. In my case they suddenly became very friendly with me and my best friend then after a few weeks start to leave me out while fawning over her so that I became isolated and lonely, then as a group started name calling, spreading nasty rumours etc...

The best advice I got was from a lovely teacher who noticed and she encouraged me to ignore them and concentrate on making new friends (I even wonder if she had a quiet word with some girls who took me under their wing and actually became really good friends who I am still in touch with even now)

Is there any nice teachers you could have an informal chat with ?

FirmlyInTheClosetAsImAMonster Fri 07-Dec-12 19:57:04

I'm honestly curious here if this thread is about my dd, because it sounds a lot like it, only twisted a bit, because if this thread is actually about this group of friends, (I know, big world, probably isn't) my dd would be the supposedly horrible friend turning everyone against this girl. However, in OUR situation, the supposed victim of all this emotional bullying honestly in my opinion deserves it, even though it probably isn't emotional bullying.

My dd has been friends with 'A' since year 7, best friends, going everywhere with each other all the time. However this girl seemed to constantly want to put her down, always talking about how 'popular' she is and all her wonderful friends. She would put dd down as well, e.g. when dd told her she had a boyfriend she would get jealous and say "well thats because you act slutty" which is horrible. Then, a few months ago, this girl "upgraded" her friends. DD isnt super popular at school but is well liked and not bottom on the rung, just middle really. But the second "A" found someone willing to put up with her but in a higher social school group, she latched onto them, 2 girls. To the extent that at her birthday party she invited everyone but these two girls got to stay over, not dd or any of the others, despite them being friends for 3 years. A then stopped hanging out with them for 2 months, instead sitting with these girls all the time. She'd then only see dd and the old friends if these girls werent in. DD was effectively a back up friend. Then these other girls got sick of her and A was forced to go back to dd, expecting everything to be fine and dandy, and the 2 month absence ignored. (2 months of literally NO talking) Which is of course ridiculous. AND THEN A gets annoyed because DD plans stuff without her involved. All the girls dont really like this girl and her constantly negative attitude. DD said she sits with them at lunch looking miserable and will suddenly get into moods where she will isolate one of the members of the group because they have some how pissed her off. (EXAMPLE, friend B somehow annoyed her, was blanked for 2 weeks, then when A needed a lift back from a get together it was instantly "look B, I think we need to forget this silly arguement and move on, btw can i have a lift?") None of the girls want her to be there really and so of course freeze her out, but are too kind hearted to ditch her to be on her own.

So before everyone goes judging these girls, bear in mind that OP has only got her dd's side of the story, there are probably many other versions to it...

BendyBobsBrusselsSprouts Thu 06-Dec-12 10:05:47

No I haven't 3b1g, I will look out for that. Sounds v helpful. Thanks!

BendyBobsBrusselsSprouts Thu 06-Dec-12 10:02:35

sadYour dd too Jimalfie?

You are right I think in saying that social media has an awful lot to answer for here. Its a perfect tool for a bully.

My dd isn't on FB or Twitter. I know this is unusual probably at her age but even she seems wary of it. She and her friends do use another messaging thing though which they use to chat to each other. Doesn't seem to matter after all whether its FB or anything else though, the outcome is the samesad

I'm going to see how she gets on for the rest of this week then take some action I think. The problem is I worry that the school may try and quash this in a heavy handed way and get them to all be friends again. Even if they start behaving better towards her, we all know they don't mean it and will be resentful that they were pulled up. And who wants to have 'friends' that are only around because they've been told off for bullying you?

3b1g Thu 06-Dec-12 09:58:07

Have you read 'Odd Girl Out' by Rachel Simmons? The first three quarters of the book are a sort of sociological study about why some people behave like this, but there's a couple of chapters at the end with suggestions about how to deal with it.

Jimalfie Thu 06-Dec-12 09:52:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BendyBobsBrusselsSprouts Thu 06-Dec-12 09:32:38

Ah MissPolly thanks so much for your post. How awful for your dd toosad I really do hope you get somewhere with this today. Do come back and tell me how it went. How can teen girls be so damn mean??sadangry

I feel with my dd that it's just so hard to pinpoint one thing and say 'there that was horrible do something about' it to the school. On the face of it nothing they've done on an individual level is too bad its the cumulative effect. Almost a death by a thousand cuts as it were.

And yes she's still part of the group to the casual bystander ie teachers. They're too clever to expel her totally and anyway I think they get their kicks by having her there on their terms barely tolerated. It's just that the friendship thermostat has been turned down hovering just above freezing and they make sure that only she feels the chill.

What makes me laugh (hollowly) is that when it comes to them goodness me what sensitive little flowers they can be. Or is that I wonder just a great opportunity to act the victim and get away with doing to others what they 'say' has been done to them?

It is draining and I'm so worried for my dd. She's doing well at school and now she says she doesn't want to go insad. She's known 50% of the group since junior school ,the others have come along since senior school. I think she just feels so betrayed and no longer trusts her judgement in friendships. It's certainly knocked her confidence.

Good luck Misspolly.

I could have written your original post, OP... DD is 13 and having much the same trouble. I cannot wait for the end of term to arrive. It has been real life bullying and online stuff too. We spent two weeks trying to get the bottom of things and being very tough with DD about the part she had played in it all - gossiping, bitching, playing the 'he said, she said' game etc and when discovered how significant the online stuff was, we stopped her Internet access and took her mobile phone away. Now that we know she is no longer involved this way, yet the bullying continues, we have been able to see that it's still happening and properly support her by involving school. We are going in today to meet the deputy head who has been involved. It has been an incredibly emotionally draining few weeks. You have my sympathies. MPD

BendyBobsBrusselsSprouts Wed 05-Dec-12 23:04:02

Well funny you should say that, she's pretty much said tonight she's ready to do that.

The problem is that (according to dd) the whole year is very much divided now into established friendship groups and are all pretty clued up whenever there is some sort of fall out somewhere. Rumors fly about and she'll be asked whats happened. She's concerned this girl will look so convincing the whole year will believe her and dd will look like the bad guy sad. Also it's knocked her confidence and now she says she feels awkward trying to get in with anyone else.

LeftMeInSuspenders Wed 05-Dec-12 22:51:15

Oh bless her. Why do so many teen girls need to be this way, eh?

Well, when they've accused her of ignoring them, has she tried just being blunt (I know easier said than done) and just said ''yes, of course I'm ignoring you. I actually don't want to be friends with you guys any more'' It seems like they're controlling her with this ''threat'' regarding the friendship hanging over her head.

Can she physically get away from them at break times- maybe go and spend time in the library or a lunchtime hobby? Potential for new friends then, too.

BendyBobsBrusselsSprouts Wed 05-Dec-12 21:53:52

Dd is 14. Part of a group of 6. One of the girls seems to be trying to isolate her and the others are going along with it. They're pulling the age old stunt of lets all be wonderful friends to each other whilst obviously leaving her out.

This girl in particular has posted up lists of 'my best friends', dds name copiously absent and makes sure dd sees them all chatting about meeting up, what they did etc again dd excluded. Constantly trying to set her up as having 'upset' her when she hasn't done anything. The girl in question is pretty convincing at this in front of relevant people, will even cry to make her stories of dd look more credible and has a butter wouldn't melt in her mouth demeanor when required. She's got looking like a victim down to a fine art. I'm not sure whether the others genuinely believe her or are just going along with it.

I think this stems from something that happened in the summer. Dd was friends with two people whom this girl dislikes (yes I know she sounds delightfulhmm). It seems clear that she didn't like dd's friendship and during the holidays told dd that the two other friends had been saying awful things about her. This was done it seems to make dd walk away from the friendship.

Dd didn't buy into this as it clearly wasn't true and asked for proof. Of course there was none and her even asking for it was quickly turned around into dd being nasty to her. Again untrue.

So since they went back to school in Sept dd has had nothing but a chilly reception and the whole group behaves in a thoroughly poisonous way to her, emotionally bullying her and wrong footing her wherever possible. It's all done very subtlely but done nonetheless.

I've tried to encourage dd to make new friends, but they're not easy to escape and they deliberatley like to construe this as 'you're ignoring us, how unkind you're being' and hoe especially upset the girl in particular is. Honestly she can't put a foot right. They're barely ok with her. But cleverly only enough so as not to draw attention to it, so that only dd is truly aware. It's just so nasty and insidious. Its more a cumulative of little things, rather than one event.

Dd now longer wants to be around them and is worn down with it. After trying endless tactics to ignore it, be the bigger person, be terribly nice around them and without fault all to no avail, dd wants out. It's as though they're always trying to trip her up and finding reasons to be quietly nasty.

I'm on the verge of going to talk with the head of year. I'd like dd moved out of the tutor group and into a different timetable. Would that be a reasonable request? Dd doesn't trust them as friends anymore but is mortified of the thought of me going to school with this and is concerned it will make it worse.

Any ideas? Thanks SO much if you've read this far.

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