Son in shock I think

(22 Posts)
noddyholder Tue 04-Dec-12 18:27:17

On of my son's very close friends had a stroke on Monday and died on Tuesday. She was 18. I think he is in shock and am not sure how to help him sad He was in Monday night when he knew she was in hospital and I think he thought she would recover.Has really put things in perspective. Such a beautiful girl

Badvocsanta Tue 04-Dec-12 18:40:44

Oh noddy.
I am so sorry.
What a tragedy.
Could you check out the cruse (bereavement) website? Lots of tips and advice on there.
I used it a few years ago when by dbro best friend committed suicide.
X

noddyholder Tue 04-Dec-12 19:01:26

Thanks I will take a look. It is so so tragic There is a video of ds and her wrestling on the last day of secondary school and they all look so happy sad

flow4 Tue 04-Dec-12 19:18:05

So sad, noddy. sad My friend's two girls had a close friend who committed suicide last year. It hit their friendship group hard.

One thing to think about early on: the teenage friends felt rather left out of the family funeral arrangements. They felt their friend would have hated the religious, conventional funeral his parents arranged - he was a colourful, unconventional atheist. They needed support to understand that funerals are as much for the people left behind as for the person who has died, and that the religious element was important to the boy's parents.

They all went to the 'normal' funeral, but they also arranged a separate, very personal memorial for their friend, which was very special, and which helped them come to terms with his death much better than the conventional funeral had.

Badvocsanta Tue 04-Dec-12 19:24:47

Perhaps they could plant a tree/dedicate an area to her?
My sil did this for a colleague a few years ago...

Oh, that is so sad Noddy sad

I don't really have any advice but, having an 18 year old son myself, I would imagine it would shake him up badly as it is just to unexpected, if you know what I mean. At that age, they feel kind of invincible and any thing like this hits them hard.

Sorry for waffling on. Not sure I'm saying what I mean correctly but I hope your DS is okay. x

noddyholder Tue 04-Dec-12 21:09:38

Thanks They are going out tonight to just light some lanterns in the park and see each other. I think when they have digested this i will suggest the tree they lived in our local park every summer since they were about 10 it seems a fitting thing as they love that place

3b1g Tue 04-Dec-12 21:15:21

So sorry to hear this. A friend of mine died suddenly when we were fifteen and it was devastating. Although the funeral was harrowing, it did help me come to terms with her death. We had a memorial service a few months later which helped, and a bench was dedicated to her memory in a little garden area, which became a peaceful place to sit.

DameSaggarmakersbottomknocker Tue 04-Dec-12 21:18:31

So sorry to read this noddy. It's very difficult for them. My dd lost a close friend very suddenly sad

bubby64 Tue 04-Dec-12 21:30:33

I lost a close friend to leukemia when I was 18, He was always the life and soul of any party, and in the middle of anything we did, and it was a real shock when he was diagnosed but at least we had several months to come to terms with the fact that he was going to die, unlike your poor DS. We all came to terms with things by doing a fun charity event to raise funds for cancer reserch, It was the type of event that our friend would have loved and been fully involved in, so we felt it was appropriate.

noddyholder Tue 04-Dec-12 21:48:45

She was xmas shopping in town and said she felt a bit weird and was gone the next day

Badvocsanta Tue 04-Dec-12 21:58:06

Her poor family sad

noddyholder Tue 04-Dec-12 22:52:06

I know sad They are devastated

StressedoutMotherofTeens Tue 04-Dec-12 22:58:26

I lost my brother at 23. One thing that helped all his friends and myself was being together. Having our own way of remembering him and celebrating his life as we felt fit. There was still the "traditional" funeral etc but we kept doing things as a group which helped. Things that we felt were befitting him and ourselves. Within the group it did help as we kept talking about our feelings and my brother which is very important and some did seek Counselling also. Hope this helps.

ledkr Tue 04-Dec-12 23:08:16

My ds went abroad for the first time without parents when they were all 18. One of them fell off the balcony and died. There were no flights in or out of kos so they had to stay for the rest of the holiday and were treated badly by Greek police.
When they got home they grieved together visited his parents often and helped an the funeral. They spent time at the graveside and were literally inseparable for months and are still very close.
Research has shown that peer support is most effective after bereavement and that was true in ds case.
I'm sure your son will find solace and comfort in their mutual friends.
So very sad though.

noddyholder Tue 04-Dec-12 23:12:17

Thanks. He is back and seems ok I agree they know best how to support each other So sorry for all these other young losses too x

usualsuspect3 Tue 04-Dec-12 23:15:51

They will support each other in their own way, so sad for him though sad

ledkr Tue 04-Dec-12 23:15:54

I remember picking ds up from the airport and he said "mum nothing will ever be the same ever again" and he was right.
The sight if those poor boys as they came through departures was something ill never forget.
You may find he won't talk to you about it dd never has really he gets almost angry if I mention it.

noddyholder Wed 05-Dec-12 11:03:30

Something like this definitely changes them. I am trying to not poke my nose in too much but not ignore it either. I think the idea that someone their age can have a stroke is very difficult for them to get their head round.

DameSaggarmakersbottomknocker Wed 05-Dec-12 15:58:03

Yes - it's almost two separate things for them to deal with; the actual loss of the friend and the realisation that sometimes life is very short. Shakes their foundations. sad

HorraceTheChristmasOtter Wed 05-Dec-12 16:10:25

When I was 16, a friend died falling down the stairs. It was an awful shock for everyone. It was right before christmas and I vividly remember my mum opening the door to me from a family party (I found out about my friends death whilst out for the day), I saw everyone and burst in to hysterical tears. The funeral was a great comfort, I have visited his memorial every year since just before christmas. I still feel shocked when I think about it. Don't stick your nose in, but give him lots of hugs, let him know you're there if he does need you, however angry, upset or even drunk he is when he wants to talk to someone.

Oh what a very sad thread. sad. So sorry about these young people, I've always found that when I hear about a tragedy affecting a child the same age as mine it is more painful.

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