Anyone else's teen not made it to school/college today?

(56 Posts)
flow4 Mon 19-Nov-12 09:22:47

I'm feeling a bit fed up and frustrated. My DS hasn't made it to college this morning. He overdid it at the weekend, basically. sad When I checked to see why he wasn't up at 7:15 he said he was "feeling ill". hmm Of course he is bloody feeling ill: that's what happens when you get wrecked at the weekend and don't get enough sleep! To my mind, you just have to push on through...

This is the first time he has done this since he started his course in Sept. But he did it often last year, so I am fretting a bit about him slipping back into bad habits. I'm guessing this is quite normal teenage behaviour, and colleges must be used to it and not at all convinced by teenagers who are coincidentally always poorly on Mondays but it would be reassuring to hear from other parents whose teens are also still in bed!

mumeeee Tue 20-Nov-12 11:08:15

Uncratefulchild, The college haben't followes corect ptocedure, Yhey have to warn him and send out leters before chucking him off the course, If he is under 18 they should also contact you, Do you think he has had some le7ters but not let you know?

Ungratefulchild Tue 20-Nov-12 11:16:33

He's 19 mumeee so they wouldn't let me know. I generally see everything that comes into the house so I don't think he's hidden anything and genuinely didn't know he'd been chucked off.

A letter did come in from the funding authority yesterday which said he withdrew on the 30th of October. He said he didn't withdraw but maybe the college assumed this? Dunno, have emailled the college asking for a copy of the procedures. Not sure that there is any point to appealing but we'll see?

He seems genuinely upset about it.

flow4 Tue 20-Nov-12 11:30:45

Oh no, I'm sorry Ungrateful sad

Just be a little bit careful about believing he has had no letters... Or perhaps even that he has actually been thrown off the course... I'm sure you know they don't always tell their mums the truth! I had an embarrassing experience at Connexions in the summer, when I went in to complain about the terrible advice DS said they had given him, only to discover he hadn't been to see them at all. blush That wasn't the only outrageous lie he told me about college/courses/etc... And I probably didn't discover them all. angry sad

If your DS is under 18, 'phone the college and talk to them directly. That way at least you have reliable facts when you try to decide what to do.

Are you in England? If so, there are all sorts of schemes and support to help prevent young people from becoming 'NEETs' (not in education, employment or training). There will be another course that will take him, maybe at another college - especially since this is quite early in the year.

It is frustrating and upsetting, especially if you can see your DS is underachieving and wasting his potential. My DS did this last year, and wasted a year on a basic building/labouring skills course that he didn't bother to attend most of the time because he was bored. But eventually he worked out he actually wanted to be re-engaged in learning, and things are much better - not perfect, as this thread proves, but better!

MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember Tue 20-Nov-12 11:32:25

It's terrible this business of once they are 18 there is no parental input, isn't it?

I mean, I know for most kids they are adults at 18 and therefore they should be able to manage, but some kids just can't.

ds still hasn't managed to organise any sort of financial support. Because when he goes to the office, they won't fill in form A until he has got form B filled in by his tutor and form C filled in by his school. But he wasn't at school, so he doesn't know where to go, so gives up. And if we ring to say that he needs help, they won't talk to us (and ds has a fit anyway). So he will never get any form of grant, and here we have to pay fees up front and claim it back. Since he hasn't claimed it back, guess who is footing the bill hmm.

And I really understand that "cheated" feeling Flow. I hate it when I have plans and he doesn't go in.

flow4 Tue 20-Nov-12 11:32:47

Oops, sorry, cross-post. That's a bit different then. sad I'd still be careful about believing he hasn't had any letters - in fact, it will have been easier for him to hide them/avoid facing reality, since they will have come direct to him not you. sad

flow4 Tue 20-Nov-12 11:40:40

I really don't know how you do it. I found it so so sooooooo stressful last year. I told him if he dropped out again after 18, I'd throw him out... And I'm pretty sure I mean it.
confused hmm
It's not that I think my responsibilities to him finish when he turns 18, but rather that I will have to admit defeat...

Myliferocks Tue 20-Nov-12 11:45:44

That's just it flow4.

There comes a stage and an age where you can only do so much for them!
They have to want to do it themselves!

MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember Tue 20-Nov-12 11:47:17

Yes, but flow, what do you do when you admit defeat?

I don't know about where you are, but here there would be nowhere for him to live if I threw him out. His only option would be a homeless hostel, and if I did that I think he would die (he would certainly get more heavily involved in drugs).

There is nowhere I/he could go to try to find him a flat. And there is no prospect of him earning enough or getting benefits to find somewhere to live. He could theoretically stay on a friends floor, but that wouldn't last.

I don't know. I really don't. I think I might have to build a shed in the back garden self-contained extension or something confused. If only I could afford it.

Ungratefulchild Tue 20-Nov-12 11:49:45

We're in Scotland and it was the first year of a 2 year HND so it means he's used up 1 year of his higher education funding. He's very very talented (was doing graphic design with a view to moving to Art school after the 2 years) but just not managed to get in enough.

Paradoxically he's just started a job (temp over Christmas) and has been doing really well and I can really see a difference in his confidence/motivation etc.

Yes well I know that he can be economical with the truth but I do tend to see all letters etc I kind of know when he is lying. I am just cautiously enquiring atm so we'll see where it goes. I would be happier if a year of funding wasn't lost so he could go back later when more able to cope.

Ungratefulchild Tue 20-Nov-12 11:52:04

That's our situation too MaryZ. i know that everything would totally deteriorate if I chucked him out. I just can't do it (although I've felt like it on numerous occasions).

I'm dreading telling Dp later sad He will go apeshit.

flow4 Tue 20-Nov-12 11:58:02

Yes, I know. I do realise it's impossible. I have no idea when you admit defeat, really - it must be when you just cannot do it any more. I thought I got to that point once or twice last year, but it turned out I could still 'hang on in there'.

BackforGood Tue 20-Nov-12 17:00:55

Thanks Nebulous, but he used to fall out of bed all the time when he was younger, and just carry on sleeping. He'd just go off to sleep again on the floor if I did roll him out without him getting angry. That just wouldn't work for us.
I've asked his 6th form tutors to get on his back about it, and told them we would support any consequences they could think of from their end, but you could tell they were looking at me like this --> hmm as if to say "You are the parent, we can't come round and get him out of bed for you"

cory Tue 20-Nov-12 19:19:51

No school today though slightly different situation. Dd has been doing a part-time staggered return to school after losing the best part of a year due to chronic pain and anxiety/depression. Was meant to be upping her hours after half-term. Fell ill with a kidney infection just over two weeks ago, the week of her maths GCSE, was really ill for two weeks, bit better on Sunday, went in on Monday and is quite ill again today. Third course of antibiotics runs out tomorrow, so suppose we'll be back at the doctor's. Is on permanent painkillers and anti-depressants, which helps her to deal with her chronic pain, but doesn't stop her from catching anything that is going and being ill for twice as long as anybody else. Has been like this since Yr 3. Becoming increasingly hard to be upbeat about any kind of future.

cory Tue 20-Nov-12 19:23:32

sorry, I didn't mean that last bit

I do believe in a future for her- she has everything going for her, bright, mature, conscientious- I'm just so bloody tired of taking one step forward and two back sad

flow4 Tue 20-Nov-12 22:18:23

That sounds sad and stressful for you both, cory. sad Do the docs know what's causing the chronic pain?

cory Wed 21-Nov-12 16:37:54

Yes, she was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos syndrome 8 years ago, flow. Is actually doing a little better since she started regular doses of painkillers and anti-depressants last year. But 8 years is a hell of a long time to have to pretend that everything is just about to take a turn for the better.

flow4 Wed 21-Nov-12 23:57:55

I've just Googled Ehlers Danlos syndrome cory, because I didn't know what it was. It sounds very difficult to live with sad I have arthritis and hypermobility, so I understand how debilitating constant pain can be. I'm glad the painkillers and ADs are helping.

8 years is a long time to pretend anything. It must be very hard to stay positive. I saw another post of yours about DD being part-time at school... Does that work well for her?

cory Sun 25-Nov-12 10:55:44

Thanks for your supporting messages, flow. Part-time should have worked well- with a plan for gradually upping her hours until she went full-time in the New Year- if it hadn't been for this wretched kidney infection which has kept her off for 3 weeks and counting. Spent yesterday evening in A&E with dd hooked up to a drip, after she had been found to be drifting in and out of consciousness during the afternoon. Hard to believe in the plan atm, but her HOY was very supportive and positive.

flow4 Mon 26-Nov-12 05:03:41

Oh good grief. sad That must be awful for her and incredibly stressful for you. Are you getting any breaks/respite/stress relief?

flow4 Mon 26-Nov-12 16:35:05

Here's a little bit of good news for a change!

My DS got himself up and out this morning. smile Then his termly report arrived from college: his attendance so far is 93% and his punctuality is 98%... smile Which means that when he said to me last week that bunking off was "just a one-off", he was telling the truth. Phew!

Also, his attainment is on target and his attitude to learning is 'good'. smile This is very definitely the best report he has had since year 4! grin

Magwat Mon 26-Nov-12 20:43:27

This is an almost regular occurence in our house. She did make it today :D Daughter with depression....not good tonight so I won't be too surprised if she doesn't make it tomorrow.

flow4 Mon 26-Nov-12 20:47:09

My son averaged 2 days per week Oct-Dec last year, then 1 day per week Jan-May, then was out of college entirely from beginning of May 'til Sept... So 93% attendance is bloody marvellous! grin

Dammit, I'm starting to count those bloomin' chickens, aren't I?!

flow4 Mon 26-Nov-12 20:48:44

Magwat, I'm glad your daughter made it in today... Fingers crossed for tomorrow smile

brighterfuture Mon 26-Nov-12 20:54:19

flow I am very happy for you and your Ds. It's so good to hear of dc who have turned it around. It must be such a relief for you. smile I shall live in hope for my ds.

flow4 Mon 26-Nov-12 20:56:20

Thanks brighter. smile It is a HUGE relief, but I can't help feeling it is too soon to relax and assume it's all going to be plain sailing from now on... I am just daring to hope again... confused smile

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