I really need some help with this one. 15yo with no respect or conscience?

(9 Posts)
cornishblue Sun 18-Nov-12 13:40:31

DD is 15 and since toddlerhood has had quite an egocentric streak in her. Now she's older it's worse than ever.

Yesterday she found some sweets in DD2's schoolbag, bought to give to a friend for her birthday, and she took them and ate the lot. She did the same with some sweets given to 5yo DS not long ago. This sort of thing has happened countless times. Anything not under lock and key is fair game to her - food (biscuits, crisps, anything 'nice', things bought to share), my make up and clothes, anything in the house that she wants is liable to be pilfered, then lied about.

No punishment or consequences have so far made any difference. Occasionally she will show some remorse, say she can't help herself and promise to reign it in, but it only lasts until the next time she wants something that isn't hers to take. I don't know how to deal with it any more, or help her, if she needs help. I am sick of it. We all are.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Sun 18-Nov-12 13:46:00

So start taking her stuff then ,

cornishblue Sun 18-Nov-12 14:58:41

I have. Confiscated things that are important to her, stopped pocket money, given chores etc.

It makes no difference

flow4 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:35:46

I've had the same problem with my DS1, cornish. It's horrible, isn't it?

I am personally opposed to taking her stuff as a response. I believe in 'setting a good example' and trying to model/demonstrate the behaviour I want from my DCs.

But I haven't found a solution. DS2 and I now have locks on our bedroom doors. I keep all my treats and alcohol in my room; DS2 keeps his packed lunch stuff and snacks in his, and occasionally part-boxes of cereal if DS1 has eaten 3/4 of the box before he gets to it.

The only consolation I have found is advice that it does stop eventually, and that if you keep on challenging it (saying it's unacceptable, even if you can't stop it) they get the 'moral message' and learn stop eventually.

cornishblue Sun 18-Nov-12 22:31:44

It's very depressing, flow4. Tonight she has apologised with a big hug and an "I love you" for taking and using my very expensive camera, again, without permission, on top of the other things she's done this weekend alone.

WHAT on earth makes them do it? A vastly over-inflated sense of entitlement? Selfishness? A defective sense of morality? What goes through their minds as they are helping themselves to their little brother's sweets? Or worse, the contents of his piggy bank?

The idea of locking everything away (which will penalise my other children too, and they also suffer at her grabbing hands) just because my own 15 year old can't control herself is awful, but I often think it is the only way to stop the wearing repeat offending. Saving her from herself.

But even that doesn't feel like an actual solution. <sigh>

flow4 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:00:27

I don't know whether one teenager's 'reasons' would be the same as another's. In my own son's case, I think there are a couple of different factors. He can indeed be v selfish, ego-centric and 'entitled' - but so can other teenagers who don't seem to do this. He is (and always has been) very impulsive and impatient. If he wants something, and it's there, he just takes it. He can't do deferred gratification at all. hmm Also, ( pop psychology alert ! >>) I think he feels permanently 'deprived' - maybe because he doesn't have a dad around? - so tries to 'fill the gap' compulsively. But I have only a gut feeling about that - not any real evidence...

For what it's worth, I wish I'd fitted the door locks earlier. I only had them done this year, when he'd 'escalated' to stealing money. If I'd done them a couple of years earlier, I might have avoided some of the extra heartache.

cornishblue Mon 19-Nov-12 19:37:26

I hope they both grow out of it soon, before they land themselves in some serious trouble for not keeping their impulses in check somewhere other than at homesad

HELPMyPooIsStuck Tue 20-Nov-12 13:30:36

Next time she gets a present bought for her, take it.

gabyjane Sat 29-Dec-12 16:42:29

know an older post but i have exactly the same issues going on. We are moving shortly and putting locks on our bedroom door. Sad really.

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