So my DS2 (17) left school in the summer and started a well paid job. He commutes into London every day, works a long day, comes home, vegges out, goes to bed at 11, gets up at 5.45 for a 6.30 train. He wears a smart suit, shoes and shirt every day.
The thing is, his room is an absolute tip. By my estimation he hasn't washed one item of clothing in about 6 weeks. We are at absolute loggerheads re money (contribution to housekeeping - NIL), chores - nil, tidying up - nil. All lifts have stopped, I've told him to buy his own food so he's not eating at home now. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. He texted me a few days ago saying he'd run out of money and could I lend him £20 til payday. I wrote back a long list of what I've done to help him and how he's done nothing in return and said no.
I'm a single parent with DS1 at uni and DD 13 at home. He goes out all weekend with his gf to mates' houses and just pops back to change clothes. He doesn't shower very often and so he smells. The last time I ventured into his room (about 3 weeks ago) I put all the clothes in a pile on the floor, put rubbish in a bag by the door and hoovered around everything. The rubbish bag is still there.
His argument re housekeeping is that since his Dad pays CS til he's 18, he doesn't need to pay anything. He's 18 in January. His Dad has little to do with our everyday life but sees the kids most weekends. He's currently away on his honeymoon.
He's a sweetheart but I could strangle him. I'm amazed his gf will go anywhere near him tbh. She hasn't stayed over for a while but I've decided that's stopping too now.
Sorry its long, i'm at my limit. Dont want to throw him out because I had 'issues' with DS1 at the same age and he spent a year at his Dad's - it was such a difficult time for all of us and altho' things are ok with DS1 now, it was awful. Surely there has to be a better way. I'm in tears writing this cos I feel so down about it. I got up at 5.30 to see him and make him coffee and wanted to say something but I couldn't face him stamping out again.
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Teenagers
17 yr old DS - hygiene issues...
raskolnikov · 31/10/2012 06:46
OK so his room is a tip, he has no clean clothes, and he doesn't wash - its all fairly minging but these are all HIS problems and you should just ignore it all (stop hoovering his room!)
About housekeeping money - he doesn't use the kitchen, he doesn't do any washing/cleaning, he doesn't use the bathroom...he is not actually costing you much, is he?
I know you must feel resentful that he is coming and going as he pleases, and using the house as a storage room for his stuff, but I would take a big step back and just leave him to it. Do not engage - just minimum civilities like greetings etc.
Unless his mess etc. is spilling over into the rest of the house and impacting on your daily life?
also how is he wearing a clean shirt everyday unless he is washing them 
again, is the "doing nothing" in relation to HIS hygiene/room etc.?
or do you want him to contribute to the household by, say, making dinner once or twice a week, or hoovering the living room/cleaning the bathroom?
if so (and the above are quite reasonable in and of themselves for someone who is living at home...) then you will need to get stricter.
or you could just STOP ENGAGING already and leave him to it - he may well change over the next few months. He is still probably feeling "entitled" to be a slob now he is earning his own money, but when his girlfriend leaves him coz he smells, then he might wake up 
DS1 (17) is a little like this - but only on the slobby room front. the rest of time he does his own washing (he has his own washing liquid as he doesn't like the stuff we use. He also cooks for himself and his g/f most nights (they usually buy their own food).
When his room gets too bad I send him a text telling him I am about to go in and tidy his room. This is enough to bring him home ASAP as I might move his 'stuff'. he has also complained it's an invasion of his privacy, but I told him if he kept it tidy I wouldn't need to go in there.
Your ds is probably struggling with the long days and also the level of maturity expected of him, especially if he is earning a reasonable amount but still running out of money before the the next pay day. Also if he is running out of money so quickly how will he manage when he has to make a financial contribution to you?
I think you need the carrot and stick approach, and there needs to be a level of compromise on both parts. Maybe you could do his washing (and show him how to use the washing machine), but he needs to hang it up and iron it - if necessary (can he iron?) and take out his bag of rubbish?
Maybe you could tell him that you need to talk sensibly and maturely and ask him when would be a good time to do this? Explain that you a trying to prepare him for when he leaves home and give him the life skills he will need to survive.
You need to help him draw up a financial plan ie income and expenditure - travel pass, lunch, fags etc. I know it is easy to go a bit mad with cash when you first start earning and you don't have rent and utility bills to pay etc and this is obviously something he is struggling with. Buy him some nice 'smellies' just for him and maybe some other bits and bobs that show you do love and care about him, it's just his behaviour you aren't happy with.
Or maybe just tell him he smells like a tramp (no offence to homeless people intended) and that if he needs to go for a shower
Good luck
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I don't think this is a money issue really is it? Beyond the scummy teenage hygiene issues it seems to me to be more about working together as a household.
Personally, I prefer my washing machine loads to be full loads so we don't waste power and water so I ask my sons to put their dirty laundry in a basket so that I can add it to the washing that I am happy to do. It's their responsibility to make sure it's sorted and ready for me, and to put away their clean washing appropriately when it's done. However, in return for my doing their washing I expect other tasks around the home to be volunteered for when they spot them (like emptying the dishwasher if it's clean and full, clearing the table at the end of a meal, vacuuming a floor if it could do with it). Sometimes I might point something like this out, sometimes they just notice and do it.
We are a household, not a parent servant / entitled child establishment. It's hard for everyone when we're tired, or when something in life changes like a new job or a new school. We take account of that and make sure over time that everyone feels valued and nobody too put upon.
I think it's you feeling undervalued and perhaps 'bought' in your DS's eyes by his father's money which is the biggest thing. A chat at the weekend (when there's a bit more time than early on a work morning) over a coffee and some yummy cake where you both have the opportunity to express your feelings lovingly might help. Sending you some 
to brighten your day and a couple of 
so start your finding a new pathway together.
Oh, and I would mention the BO. Perhaps he's not aware of it. DH had to deal with this issue with one of his team a few times and found it difficult. Much easier for a loving mum.
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