I have found a condom(41 Posts)
in DS's wallet.
He is 15 (yr 11) his GF is 14 (yr 10). I have obviously spoken to him previously about respect/age of consent/pregnancy etc. but what now?
Should I talk to him, or even both of them together?
Should I speak to her Mother?
Also, I should also ask if condoms survive in a 40 degree wash? weak
I will ask calmly. We do have an open relationship and he is not my eldest.
I expect he got it from school. I would just ask him.
Why is it always that people judge the BOY for having under age sex, state that HE could be in trouble and so on. They are both under age and of similar age, as long as no force or coercion is involved (either way) I think it is highly unlikely anyone is going to get into trouble. Personally although I think it is FAR from ideal/desirable, I'm not sure it is 'totally unacceptable' for a 14/15 yo to be having sex. Age of consent is considerably lower than 16 in some European countries.
Also, finding a condom does not mean he is having sex, there could be an 'innocent' explanation and even if he is or has had sex may not be with this particular girl anyway!
Explain the situation (so he knows you weren't snooping through his stuff) and ask him out right. I think having an open and honest discussion with your son is far preferable to interrogating his GF or contacting her parents.
I don't judge either of them for wanting to have sex, but I have a 17 year old boy and I'm dammed if he's going to get a record for having sex with an under-aged girl if I can do anything to stop it.
There are enough paranoid and suspicious parents out there who feel that teenage boys are dangerous predators and aggressive hazards. The girl in this situation would not be my main concern, she needs to make her own decisions free of pressure, and those are between her, her partner and her parents should she choose to involve them.
My DS has Asperger's, is very naive about manipulative and deceitful behaviour and would be destroyed if a girl said she loved him and then accused him of assault.
So he needs to be careful, use condoms, remember the law and make sure that every sexual encounter is with full agreement on both sides.
Because the world is an unforgiving place for young men in these matters.
All my children were given them (male and females) during PSHCE lessons at school in yr 11.. DD1 in fact came home with a 'goody bag' which she then gave to a friend who was sexually active.
I'd be inclined to assume, given it's in his school trousers that this is the case. Just have a gentle word and find out
There's a reason that people focus on BOYS getting into trouble, though it's not well known... Until 2003, the law relating to 'unlawful sexual intercourse' in England and Wales (I don't know about Scotland) applied specifically/only to male perpetrators and did not technically apply to females. This meant that if two 15 year olds had consexual sex, the boy could be prosecuted but the girl couldn't. Some of the info around on the internet still refers to this... However, my understanding is that the 2003 Sexual Offences Act changed the law, so now it applies equally to men/women and boys/girls.
Technically, as people have already said, both young people under 16 are committing an offence if they have sex and they could be placed on the sexual offenders' register (SOR). When I talked to my then-15 DS about this, he found that particular fact very shocking, because he associated the SOR as being for 'pervs'. I think it made him think twice.
(Incidentally, something that I find shocking: the very common habit teenage girls seem to have at the mo, of taking explicit photos of themselves and posting them on FB or emailing them to friends is also an offence that could get them onto the SOR! )
However, parents don't need to worry too much about prosecution if their under-age kids are engaging in consensual sex - note this guidance:
"The age of consent is 16. Because children can and do abuse and exploit other children, the Act makes it an offence for children under 16 to engage in sexual activity, to protect children who are victims. However, children of the same or similar age are highly unlikely to be prosecuted for engaging in sexual activity, where the activity is mutually agreed and there is no abuse or exploitation".
I have boys not girls myself, but I am pretty sure I would want to know if I had a daughter and her boyfriend had a condom in his wallet. I would want the opportunity to have The Conversation, for the first time OR again.
I found a used condom in my sons room hes 16 and his girlfriend is 15. Hes always talked to me about everything i just asked him plainly" did you have sex with laura" and he said yes but he promises to be protected. They have been going out 3 years and i trust her. Talking to them lets them know they can trust you.
My daughters carried condoms (which i gave them) from the age of fourteen. I will expect my son to do the same. I would expect any of them to get really really mad if i spoke to their partners parents about them having a condom! (Both my daughters chose to talk to us about their decision to lose their virginity when the time came, prior to actually doing it. We talked the first one out of it several times, but the second one waited till she was sure then nothing was going to change her mind: But I know they both made an active choice to have sex with a specific person for the first time, and I am happy about that.
Please don't involve the GF or her DM. Speak to your DS about what you've found and make it out that's it's a positive thing (it is) that he's being so responsible and prepared. By carrying condoms I assume he already knows about pregnancy and STI's. You're much likely to get information out of him if you approach this in a positive and respectful way. Even if they are having sex underage or planning to, as long as they both have support and information they should be fine.
I'm not advocating underage sex here but I was 15, my boyfriend was 17. For a 15 year old I was very mature and we used contraception. My mother wasn't best pleased but it taught me a lot and she made sure I was protected, safe and had all the information which made a he'll of a difference.
I'd be very chary of talking to the girl's parents unless you know them very well.
My DD was going out from 13 with son of family friend (mothers at school together) who's 18 months older. We had a conversation about how to handle the issue of our DD/their DS having sex. Even between long standing friends both of whom are pretty disinhibited it needed an opening, provided by a Women's Hour item on patrolling the landing - v - taking them tea.
We agreed on latter approach and advice to DD about getting on pill.
I work in schools doing sex education and giving out condoms does happen, so first step is to double check why DS has the condom. A key part of condom education in schools is informing young people that condoms have a use by date and that heat will make them break down earlier. So they should not be kept in wallets in trouser pockets, as the heat from the leg will be damaging the latex. The 40 degree wash is hot enough to damage the latex, so I would get rid of that condom its integrity is compromised. SO if he was given it at school the Sex and Relationship Educator should have told him this, if not the schools needs a better educator
If he has it in his wallet because he is having sex. Then a discussion about legal age should be had. Whilst they are both breaking the law, case history suggests the male (especially if they are even a little older) will sometimes get prosecuted, even if at the time it was consensual. The most common times this happens is after a break up. If they break up sometimes peoples versions of events shift and your DS might find himself suddenly being accused of coercion. Not likely to happen if the relationships is happy healthy but it does happen.
Over all it is defiantly worth a conversation, either to make sure he is updated on complete condom care or to make sure he understands their can be legal unsuspected consequences.
Hi The big problem is teenagers and parents don't seem to be able to talk about sex and other 'risky' behaviour in a sensible everyday way. There is more to sex than contraception and STI's - although a condom gets top marks with respect to both! But, teenagers often make decisions about sex without having had the chance to think things through and work out what's right for themselves, short-term and longer-term. Talking about sex and relationships in general is so important and helps teenagers to make better decisions for themselves. I've found a really good little e-book which shows how to develop on-going conversations with teenagers about sex, drugs and so on, to help them to understand and make their own decisions. Try a search on Amazon for 'Teenagers: Supporting the Next Generation' by Brighid Carey. It's quite short but really helpful. Hope this helps
Congratulate him (on being sensible not for having underage sex, if he is, but you know, it happens). Then have a chat to him about respect, relationships and real sex (not porn sex).
I have a 15yr old who is sexually active. Once you've got your head around it it's not so bad. They're people too.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.