Ds totally lost the plot because I stopped him taking a bong to school !!!

(87 Posts)
justbreathe Mon 01-Oct-12 20:12:00

My Ds 16 has completely lost it.

I took him out of school for an appointment today , he went off into a shop to get something and left his bag in the car. He had been being really suspicious with his bag so I had a look inside and found a large bong. I asked what the hell he was doing taking a bong to school... I know a lot of kids at his school smoke dope and he knows I dissaprove.
He went completely crazy at me invading his privacy and looking in his bag, and that if he wanted to take it to school he would and it was none of my f**ing business.
He refused to give it to me and ran off and either stashed it or gave it to a friend. I went after him and threatened to go into the school and tell the head. We talked or rather he shouted his head off, dented the car and spat ... He totally .lost the plot and went quite insane for a bit.
As he was in no state to go back into class and I wasn't sure if I wanted to involve the school I decided to take him home.
He is still really outraged that I went prying into his stuff and adamant that he will take his bong to school and smoke dope there if he wants......
I am completely flumoxed at his violent outburst/stupidity/ total lack of respect for any rules. should I tell the school ? I haven't found them very supportive in the past and they already know he's a smoker.
I am furious and want to punish him but also fear he is on the edge and If I go in too hard he will leave home and move in with his dodgy friend and his drug addict mum.
He really is convinced that its ME who has the problem and the fact that he is bothering to go to school and turning up for class means that he should be able to get stoned in his free periods !!!

FreckledLeopard Wed 03-Oct-12 12:39:12

Sorry to hear about all the issues you're suffering justbreathe. I think there's a world of difference between the odd toke of a joint after dinner at a dinner party, when you're in your twenties, and a daily skunk habit from aged 13 onwards. A boyfriend of mine went totally down the drain owing to cannabis - threw away his degree, dropped out of a PhD, and is, I believe, suffering mental health problems now too. And my god, he was so, so brilliant. It's such a waste.

I don't suppose you have any kind of option like 'Turnabout Ranch' or some other programme like that in the US? Am guessing, though, that if your DS is over 16, then you can't force him to go to somewhere like that?

justbreathe Wed 03-Oct-12 12:29:41

Mine has always been disorganised too. I think it unlikely to be handed in. I told him to put up a reward on facebook but will he get it together to do that ?...hmm Hoping that as his life unravels more and more he may realise that perhaps smoking has something to do with it ! or maybe it will just add to his conviction that its all shit anyway so may as well get stoned.

It is very difficult to get a truculant teenager to do anything that they don't want to, let alone a teenager who is smoking skunk and potentially quite violent.

We tried to access counselling for our son but he refused to engage at all. After all, he felt good when he smoked it, so in his mind, why would he want to give up? Where was the incentive?

I'm sorry about the laptop,justbreathe . Do you live in the sort of place where it might be handed into the school or police station?

Mine was disorganised before drugs so you can imagine how he was when he was smoking this stuff.

Mellower Tue 02-Oct-12 22:35:02

I have not had experience in Teenagers as mine is just coming up to this, I do have experience in weed, sadly.

My only advice is counselling preferely a laid back one who has also been on weed and then come off it to scare him and tell him the truth about what weed does as many believe it is not addictive and doesn't affect you, whoever made up this story, well it is not true.

Try get him off the weed ASAP!!

I really do feel for you. I have spoke my 12 year old about weed and what is does and why he cannot smoke it and had all the questions about how it makes you feel and hopefuly I have scared the life out of him, I certainly hope so.

flow4 Tue 02-Oct-12 22:27:34

Yes, I would have thought so. That's good then smile

Sorry, that sounds rubbish: of course it isn't good he's lost his laptop; but I mean it's better than the alternative scenario I was imagining, with him selling it for drugs and lying to you about it...

That's the thing I hate most about what's happened in the past year or two: the way totally outrageous happenings come to seem normal... sad

Nahla321 Tue 02-Oct-12 21:17:07

No I would definitely not involve the school unless if was completely necessary. Tbh there is not much they can do and if it stops him doing it in school then he will find a way to do it outside of school. I would just try and keep a very close eye on him and were he is going on evenings and weekends etc.

justbreathe Tue 02-Oct-12 20:48:50

That sounds truly hideous flow ! I know what you mean about the surreal quality of crazed outbursts.
I don't think he's sold it as I know he has 100 quid in his room. Also he's upset because he's lost all his music ,photos schoolwork etc. Surely he'd have backed them up B4 selling...hmm

Maryz Tue 02-Oct-12 20:45:51

Yes, I have also thought bipolar. There is no doubt that ds suffers from depression/anxiety, but while he is smoking dope there is no hope of either getting him to the gp or, even if I could get him there, persuading anyone to give him any legal drugs hmm.

We got ds1 a punch bag a year ago and it has made a surprising difference. When he is angry he goes off and really pounds it, and then comes back in a lot more reasonable. The downside is that it has come out of the wall a few times, and has bashed a hole in the plaster behind it, so our kids room (sort of utility/tv room) looks like a bomb has gone off in it. But since we got it we have far fewer holes in walls.

ds never sold much. He was never cute enough (or sober enough probably) to manage that.

flow4 Tue 02-Oct-12 20:13:45

I have had thought 'psychiatric problems or bi-polar' too, justbreathe sad TBH I think the boundary (i.e. between this kind of drug-reaction and an 'episode' of mental illness) is so blurred that it is meaningless. Just last week, DS1 walked in on me telling off DS2 (who'd spilled water near my laptop), and started to defend him. I told him to mind his own business, he kept shouting at me, I told him to "shut up" (I know. blush No-one can accuse me of walking on egg-shells!) and suddenly he was raging through the house, kicking over chairs, smashing a hand-made fruit-bowl, throwing things around, breaking a curtain rail and swinging it at things, screaming "c*nt, b*tch, f*cking whore" etc., and (thankfully) storming off into the night... sad It all happened within about a minute, and writing it now sounds even less real than in felt.

Um, breathe, I don't want to make you paranoid, but my DS used to tell me he'd 'lost' things (and money) and it took me ages to work out he was actually selling them (or spending the money). Not only a laptop but also clothes and even shoes. It ought to be pretty easy to tell though: if he's as angry as you'd expect him to be, you probably don't need to be suspicious hmm

justbreathe Tue 02-Oct-12 19:30:04

i don't think logic comes into it chubfuddler

Chubfuddler Tue 02-Oct-12 18:59:27

Does he not see at all that he wandered off and forgot about his laptop because he was stoned?

justbreathe Tue 02-Oct-12 18:55:51

jesus , just had a phonecall from Ds to say he has lost his laptop. He was listening to music on it outside school and somehow managed to walk away , leave it in the parking and not think about it till hours later. So thats' another crisis he will get depressed and angry about sad

Ha, I'd forgotten about holey doors! Sadly, mine was either drugged or drunk or both, all through the week so we didn't have much in the way of come-down other than early mornings.

justbreathe Tue 02-Oct-12 17:30:40

I have broken panels in doors, broken doorframes , broken table and chairs. He seems to develop super human strength chucking things about then he'll storm off and hitch to his mates house, The scariest is when he loses it in the car.

He's never hit any of us but will bang his own head on the wall and punch himself. His voice is a major weapon and once he starts he will go on and on and on Sometimes he will curl in a ball and cry.

These fits can be triggered by the tiniest little thing.... I can't believe I never sussed it was a comedown, I was starting to think he has psychiatric problems or was bi-polar.... Ironically when he is stoned he's actually quite pleasant ! All my friends think he's a charming, articulate young man, hmm

Maryz Tue 02-Oct-12 16:51:09

Well ds is (touch wood) back in college. It's very strange, and my fingers are sore from being crossed so much.

flow4 Tue 02-Oct-12 16:42:55

Oh yes, I forgot about the holes in the doors and walls and windows. I've had a lot of other broken things too. After a while, some of it just gets to seem normal. hmm sad

Our 'flash point' used to be Monday, morning or evening. Obviously my DS was doing more partying on a Saturday night than yours, Maryz hmm Now he's back in college (3 weeks and counting smile ) it's been much calmer smile

Maryz Tue 02-Oct-12 16:33:56

We have had episodes with golf clubs, one awful day when he decided to camp out in the snow in December, we have holes in all our doors and in the walls in his room, he has broken his fingers numerous times, and there was a horrible episode involving ds2 and a hurley sad.

Not to mention the running away and sleeping rough.

Nearly all the episodes occurred 48 hours after a major session (so usually Sunday night/Monday morning) or after an attempt to give up, where he would do really well for a week, struggle for a week and then flip.

I would feel so sorry for him if I wasn't so angry. Mostly, though, I just feel sad at the waste.

flow4 Tue 02-Oct-12 15:58:28

Oh justbreathe, that kind of craziness sounds sadly familiar sad
I've had DS hiding inside the airing cupboard (aged 16, not 6)... Dismantling the PC and trying to hide the monitor because I'd confiscated his Playstation controller... Barricading himself into the house with brooms... Stealing £20 cos I refused him £1... Jumping out of the window and running off into the night when I said his friend couldn't stay... confused exhausted

Maryz Tue 02-Oct-12 15:39:10

My thread is here justbreathe.

I'll try to set up a proper thread tonight.

I have to go and do taxi duty for ungrateful teenagers now grin. I'm glad the support helps (even if my advice isn't actually any use) - I found just realising I wasn't alone helped me in the early days.

Im not sure why my post was deleted either...I really dont remember being nasty or breaking rules.

But ho hum.

justbreathe Tue 02-Oct-12 15:31:54

Maryz , sorry to hear what you've been through with your Ds . I appreciate your efforts to clean up this thread ! Where is site stuff ? I am quite new to mumsnet .

I am finding all the support and help very comforting, its really helping ... thanks.

Maryz Tue 02-Oct-12 15:30:56

particularly if they are being a very unpleasant person Chub. It's factual, surely, not attacking confused

Chubfuddler Tue 02-Oct-12 15:25:53

I fail to see how telling someone they seem to be a very unpleasant person is a personal attack. Ho hum.

flow4 Tue 02-Oct-12 15:25:38

What Maryz says IS true, Rowan - it happens every time. Deleting posts (or even kicking people out of MN, which I don't much like as an idea) only deals with the immediate problem... Someone else will always come along to say something very similar sad

Maryz Tue 02-Oct-12 15:22:29

Goody smile

Thanks.

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