17 yr old choosing Christian camp abroad over education

[mugofteaandchocolate]

17 yr old son has failed AS levels and instead of trying another course wants to go to a Christian training centre abroad plus unspecified outreach abroad. I am opposed to this because a) he would have to raise funds of £7000 to cover it all b) I feel like he is abandoning his education when the gov are still offering 2 years free education till age 19 c) think he is too young to live abroad for 6 months with an organisation we don't know d) we are not Christians but he has attended a local Christian youth group, got baptised and seems to be getting more and more immersed / indoctrinated to the extent that he feels he is being called to be a Christian disciple / youth worker. Problem is that at times as parents we seem to be being trumped by God as it were. Cannot motivate him to enrol for other academic courses of his own choice locally.

[teesbabe]

could he be running away from the fact that he's not done as well in his AS? Going away being a safe option rather than face (percieved or overt) condemnation? Key with teenagers is affirming love and support first!! Then listen to why he feels this is his only option now. Once he has stated his point of view, that should point you in the right direction as to picking holes and letting him see flaws in his plan. Dont flat out say dont go. Just tell him to finish his education as an insurance, frame the certificate in his bedrooom whilst he goes on to do God's work (which is commendable). Its amazing how a little time might change perspectives. If he is adamant on following that path (who is to say that's not the right one for him)? Persuade him to do it on home turf. Afterall, charity begins at home. Sort of homing in his skills on familiar grounds (with your support); once he is sure and tried it practically, he can then go abroad more confident, older and wiser. Good luck

[FallenCaryatid]

he may not be abandoning his education, he may be putting it on hold. It is very hard to argue with someone who feels they have a mission, but if you really don't want him to go, then just refuse to help him fund his studies.
No £7,000 until he raises it himself.
Which means a job, and you charging him for board and lodging.
By the time he's raised the money, he will probably be an adult.

[ravenAK]

I'd start properly worrying when he'd raised the £7k.

& I wouldn't be helping him with that.

Definitely wouldn't be happy, but you can't push him into another course in the UK if he doesn't want to do it. All you can do is stand back & let him work it through by himself, I think.

Hope he comes to his senses & it's just a kneejerk reaction to disappointing results.

[FallenCaryatid]

Or he might really have a lifelong commitment and calling to the happy clappy side of life. Is it a mainstream Christian youth Group of an Evangelical persuasion?
They can be a lot of fun if you are an insecure teen.
What was he studying, and how badly did he fail and was he and you expecting A grades?
He might just need time, but I'd still hang onto your purse strings. If he's truly passionate about this, he'll find the money and the patience to accumulate it. faith isn't a quick fix answer.

[FallenCaryatid]

'and was he and you'

were he and you...

[teesbabe]

work "with" him and dont let your bond get broken. Love gets more result than tough actions which may breed animosity. Worse choices are out there. Thank God he's not making poor choices! You may not agree with his choice but it's his choice. Some junkie's parent out there may actually be wishing they can trade sons with you right now. So keep calm, talk through ALL the practicalities and he will either become more secure in his conviction or see that it's not a practical choice. Help him make his own "informed" choice. That way he also owns the rewards or consequences. That's part of growing up isnt it?

[nooka]

I would be really unhappy if either of my children took up with an evangelical group, because I think that they can be quite toxic so my sympathies. I think if he is really convinced that is the path for him then I would try to sit down and talk to him about how he could raise the money needed, and suggest that he needs a long term plan, and that it is not going to happen this year, simply because that is a truck load of money (what exactly is it for?). If you can bring yourself to go and speak to a leader at his church then you might be able to enlist help there too, because it is possible that they will have much more influence on his thinking, and they may not have a problem with a plan for when he is older (and hopefully he may change his mind),

[mugofteaandchocolate]

Thanks for your replies. I think part of the reason he didn't do well was that he had already lost motivation and saw this as a viable alternative route. Yes FallenCaryatid the group is as you describe. (I have also seen some opinions online that is it is a cult or at least having the effect of a cult - encouraging people to abandon all other parts of life). He was studying sciences, but he wasn't putting in the work although he does have some interest. Teesbabe, I tried the "do it locally" route (it is run in UK too) but he says going abroad is part of the act of faith/leap of faith he wants to make. If I stand back and wait for him to try to raise the funds he will have wasted this academic year. There's one week left to enrol before courses start........ very stressed about this.

[FallenCaryatid]

No, if he enrols on a course he doesn't want to do with poor grades and a poor attitude, that will be a year wasted. If he spends a year out, earning money towards the magical figure of £7,000 that's a year spend doing something useful and learning lessons he can't in a classroom. Some of which may be tough ones.
You can't make him study and pass exams if he isn't motivated to, and if he feels you are standing in the way of his true path. He may change his mind, you can't do that for him either.

[mugofteaandchocolate]

Thanks again for messages which came as I was typing. Nooka, I wanted to speak to the church leader but unfortunately he has just gone on holiday. We attended the baptism to show support and there was a lot of emphasis on doing what God wants you to do, so I think there would be a lot of support and encouragement for him to do this. I should explain there are two groups involved: a local youth church, and the other organisation - he met some of the latter through the former.

[mugofteaandchocolate]

Yes FC I appreciate what you are saying, if he enrols on a course he doesn't want to do and doesn't study that will be a year wasted too.
But I don't think having him at home for a year while he realises how hard it is to raise the money is a good plan, he'll be getting up late and playing computer games etc and getting into an unproductive mode.

[teesbabe]

Part of the support / deal should be that you tell him he is free to raise the money but he should be pursuing his education until he gets the money (we all know that would take time). Good idea the suggestion to check out the church yourself, especially if you think something is fishy!! That way you know how to steer him away from any toxic message. He's unlikely to come home and tell you and guessing or fingers crossed wont help. A little investment in time and specific action on your part can quickly put out this flame.

[ravenAK]

But if you frog-march him off to do another course he's not up for he'll still wob out with the computer games etc - & he'll have another 'failure' to contend with & be taking someone else's place, tbh.

Ideally, right now, he probably needs a minimum wage job & some thinking time; I appreciate that's not an easy option to come by atm. Worrying.

[nooka]

Perhaps you could try and get him to think about the longer term and get him to think about how he could 'serve god' better by getting the educational qualifications so as to be a better/more useful discipline? His plan will leave him totally unskilled, which is probably why he will be paying so much for the privilege. However I think it's going to be hard. My sister joined a very evangelical church and then married my BIL on the basis of the vicar telling her (and him) that god had told him they should get married. Very difficult to resist that sort of pressure I think (they are celebrating 25 years together and he's a lovely guy, but I think it was a total abuse of authority).