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Teenagers

Help with sanctions/dealing with this

9 replies

miniwedge · 11/08/2012 08:32

Yesterday my 12yr old went to visit her school friends, it's a 40 min bus journey to the village but it's a journey she does daily for school, the buses are very regular and the arrangement is that I know who she is going to meet and that they meet her off the bus. She is also supposed to have them wait at the bus stop when she goes home. I know most of the parents, theyre good people, we all look out for each others kids and let each other know if there's anything we're worried about.

Basically dd lied, she didn't meet anyone off the bus, she walked around to find her friends, she lied to me about who she was with and then when she was due to come home she gave us a story about buses not turning up and said she wanted to go to a party. We said no, get on the bus, her phone was then switched off.

We had three hours not knowing where she was, who she was with. I called round the friends she was supposed to be with and they said they had left her at the bus stop hours ago. With two boys, w got one boys number and rang him, he did not sound 12! He said he had left her off at the bus stop ten mins previously..... One of the mums droveround the village looking for her whilst we drove the bus route. Finally found her walking home, full of attitude and lying about where she had been.

I have found out that she was with two boys most of the day and notwith the group of friends she said, we nt through her phone, lots of messages from one boy asking her to grab his cock etc etc.

I don't generally have an issue with her having a boyfriend, I accept that she will and I can't put her in a nunnery! However, I am really concerned that this one guy sounds a lot older than 12 and is being incredibly explicit.

Have spoken to some of the parents who don't really know much about this boy other than he does go tithe same school as all of them.

So, in light of the lying, attitude and the concerns I have about this boy do you think the following will work/ have an effect?

No getting the bus to see her friends for the rest of the holidays. She can have the odd sleepover here but that's it. (I don't want to cut her off completely as I think it will do more harm than good?)

No phone for a week. I have explained that she has let herself down with the language she has been using and I've spoken to her about the messages from this guy and about being safe etc.

She has to ring and apologise to the mum who was out looking for her with us. The poor woman was in bits and I think it's the least dd can do quite frankly.

I haven't shouted at her, its pointless and we do normally have a really good relationship. She is usually really open and talking about relationships, sex and what's safe/appropriate isn't an issue. She's normally pretty sensible but yesterday frightened me, for the first time I got a proper glimpse of how she can behave when she thinks I can't see her/hear her and it really worried me.
I don't want her to put herself at risk and I do feel that yesterday she did exactly that. I know this guy is still school age but he sounds/appears really predatory. His messages were very much about coercion, he was trying very hard to get her to talk dirty and it looks like he was trying to move it onto something physical. Bearing in mind he was messaging her whilst he was sat with her and his friend in a large park in a quiet village I actually feel a bit sick at the thought of what could have gone on.

I'm Not suggesting he is a potential rapist, I do remember how teen boys can be and they don't always understand boundaries in terms of expressing that they want to move on to pysical stuff but there is definitely something about his messages that is making me want to stop all contact.


Anyway, I've rambled enough, any advice would be gratefully received.

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flow4 · 11/08/2012 09:46

It sounds like you've got it pretty well sorted. :)

The only thing I'd add is that I think, if it were me, I'd try to find out more about this boy and (particularly) how old he is. You have his phone number, so I think I'd call him... Tell him your daughter is just 12 (I think there's a good chance she's told him she's older Hmm) and that his texts are inappropriate, and perhaps that you'll report him to the police if he sends any more crude/sexual texts. He'll probably hang up on you before you say all this, but then you can text him. If you can find out his surname and track down a number or address for his parents, I would also personally be inclined to talk to them. If he's over 16, I'd maybe treat the situation differently (and so would the police) - I think I'd probably report him.

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miniwedge · 11/08/2012 11:23

Thanks Smile

I've done some digging, he's in the same year as them but a bit older at 13, they are yr7. Well yr8 now I guess.....

I've messaged him back and said this is xx mum, I'm deleting your contact details and I'll be speaking to your mum later today to show her the messages you have been sending. Please don't contact dd unless your mum and I say it's ok.

I've deleted him now. I've spoken again to dd as she got really tearful this morning. She said that she was getting really uncomfortable with his messages and that she hadn't wanted to stay with him yesterday but that he was quite persuasive and she was intimidated.
She's so upset that I believe her, she doesn't know I saw the messages from him and she volunteered the info about what he was saying to her.

I've spoken to a couple of parents of her friends this morning and I know where he lives now. I'm not sure whether to go and speak to his mum (nicely) and show her the messages or if that's over stepping the mark. I do think that for a 13 yr old he seems over sexualised. The content of the messages was incredibly graphic.

Hmm, not sure what to do now. Confused

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FelicitywasSarca · 11/08/2012 11:32

I would try for a polite phone call to his mum, depending on her this may or may not prove useful, but it is the 'right' thing to do.

Re. Your daughter, it sounds like you have a real opportunity to strengthen your relationship with her, so that next time she is more able to rebuff unwanted attention and seek help if she needs it. It is great that she is now being honest with you, don't punish too hard ( although I would stick with no phone for a week and no bus travel for awhile), make her time at home with you happy though and use her no-phone time to talk to her and encourage her to always be open with you.

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flow4 · 11/08/2012 11:42

Yes, I would contact the boy's mum. I sounds like you're calm and sensible by nature and not likely to lose your temper (even if you don't get the reaction you'd like from her, which is possible). From your daughter's point of view, I think it is safer for his parents to be aware than not.
Also, I'm a mother of boys, not girls, and if he was my son, I'd want to know. I'd want a conversation with him about respectful relationships, boundaries, etc.

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Maryz · 11/08/2012 12:45

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2fedup · 11/08/2012 16:54

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ancienthistrionics · 12/08/2012 10:41

Sometimes they want you to rein them in a bit, and help them stay 'thirteen'. I would stop her going out, and just let her have friends over until she earns back your trust.

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miniwedge · 12/08/2012 21:57

Hi all, thanks again for the replies.

In answer to a couple of questions, I've checked through all the messages, dd didn't respond to the sexual ones, there was a bit of conversation about one of them going through her bag and she did swear in that convo but nothing along the lines of the messages from the 13 yr old.

Just to clarify, those messages from him were full of stuff such as, I want your wet pussy so I can put my hard dick in it and make you even wetter.
Later in the evening when I had her phone and dd was in bed he was messaging her telling her was really drunk with his mum and sister on vodka jellies and again telling her what he wanted to do to her.

She has been very very tearful all weekend. She is at my dads for a week now which was prearranged and I think will be good for her to get some distance.

I am in no way excusing her behaviour, she knows she needs to be responsible for lying and choosing to stay out and that is why she still has no phone and won't do for another week.

She did keep asking if I still love her Sad apparently a couple of her friends have been told theyll be kicked out for various things such as smoking etc. I know this is probably just over dramatisation or empty threats if you see what I mean so I've made it clear that we love her no matter what She may do and that we get cross sometimes because we care about her and want her to be safe and happy.

All in all a stressful weekend but I think we will be able to work through it.

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HSMM · 13/08/2012 22:29

You sound like you're doing a really good job. She's talking to you and will hopefully come to you if she has any future problems.

As some others have said ... sometimes teenagers like to be given some boundaries as it gives them time to consider their actions.

My DD was starting to go off the rails at the end of last year and we ended up imposing some strict curfews and she responded REALLY well and has come out of it a much nicer and more approachable person.

Re the sexual language ... not sure ... it might be simple teenagers blurb, or something more. As long as your lines of communication are open, you should be OK.

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