My teenage daughter is turning into a bitch. Help me survive

(90 Posts)
LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 17:05:00

She told me to butt out of her life this afternoon. I had collected her from a friends house and told her I saw her boy/friend this afternoon and said hello to him (she was at a friends). That was clearly the wrong thing for me to have done. I said that as he had been in our house and had his tongue down her throat I was quite within my rights as a human being and her mother to say hello to him. She responded by telling me I have no right to say hello and shouting that I should butt out of her life. I was shocked, angry, hurt. I can barely speak to her. I hate this teen stuff. She is fucking horrible sometimes. Also she has started speaking badly and it really really grates on me. She doesn't realise she is doing it - she says. I could quite happily tell her to fuck off. I didn;t think she would be like this. She's selfish, rude and talks to me like I am a useless, stupid lump of shit.

bloodyteenagers Sun 10-Aug-14 01:13:29

I got the whole butt out of my life screamed at me. I had done something ridiculous like dare talk to one of their friends via text. Yes one of their mates text me.
I laughed. This enraged her even more. Telling me to stop laughing. Why was I laughing. I was being so unfair.
I look at her very seriously and told her to calm down and engage her brain. I butt out of her life and I have an easier life. I have one less person to feed and clothe. One less to fill in school permission slips and other things we do as parents. I am laughing because I will have an easier life.

This stopped her in her tracks. You could see her brain going into overdrive thinking about life if I butt out.

Until the next drama.

Screaming and shouting never worked. Remaining very calm and serious did. Sometimes I was very sarcastic with my responses. Sometimes I was so blunt it hurt, but like I said at those times, I aint your mate to lie and tell you how great x,y, or z is.

Framey, you need to tell your mum to leave you and your family alone unless asked. I never did this until it was too late, and this drove a huge wedge between me and one of my children. So much, that the child went to live with the toxic witch. Try and be objective between the two, the younger ones often do annoy the older ones because they always want to be with them etc. It is hard when there is a big age gap. Who winds who up first, it won't always be the same person. Pull them both for it. You are to blame (in her world) because she has this annoying little baby that constantly wants to play with her, talk to her, watch films with her etc and she sometimes wants space and the younger one doesn't understand it fully.

Fabulous46 Sun 10-Aug-14 00:50:58

Awbless be as smug as you like. However some parents struggle with the teenage years. Please try and be a tad more supportive rather than posting your smug arsed comments!

OP I've had 5 horrendous years with my DD and I'm a Social Worker. Yes, I see it all BUT sometimes no matter how hard you try teenagers are all individual and unique in their own ways. They can be awful! I know my DD was. It does pass, it's bloody hard and yes it's frustrating. I lost count of the times I really didn't like her behaviour. I was constantly told to "fuck off out of my life" by her. I "didn't understand" and I was the mother from hell (according to her). Now, we have a much better relationship. They can be extremely hurtful, nasty beyond words and have a "fuck you" attitude. There is light at the end of the tunnel, honestly there is. I still wonder how I survived the last few years but I did. You will too ��

BadTeen Sat 09-Aug-14 22:20:13

Yeah but none have gone this far. My kid repeats anything I say. Her dad is a real jerk and I got fired from 3 jobs. Any suggestions?

RhondaJean Wed 09-Apr-14 16:47:24

Tee start a new thread, people will help but at the end of a two year old one they might not notice?

teesumner Wed 09-Apr-14 16:39:20

Please help.... My daughter is out of control, it was been going on for almost 2 years thought she would grow out of it but it is getting worse, she is rude and disrespectful..but fake when around other people, everyone thinks she is just so sweet. Here mouth is just rude and faul. She cusses at school like a sailor and she is 12.. She is so sexually aggressive my son wont even bring friends around nor do her father and I like bringing friends over.

Longdistance Tue 13-Aug-13 05:16:25

I reckon sending them up chimneys to clean them is the way forward grin

<unhelpful>

Greenkit Tue 13-Aug-13 04:55:36

TBH, dont sweat the small stuff, pick your battles and win them..I.e. if you have told her to do something (washing up for instance) make sure she does it.

For punishment, make sure you start off small, no TV for today or simular, its no good going in all guns blazing and 'grounding her for the rest of her life' which you generally do if angry, so take some time out to decide what your going to do.

I have a 24 yr old, married grin
17yr old Girl (gggaaaahhhh)
and 15yr old boy (Grunt grunt)

Chottie Tue 13-Aug-13 02:00:12

FrameyMcFrame - in your place, I would be having a quiet word my my DM and asking her to respect my parenting and back me up. Can you speak to your DD when she is a more reasonable mood and explain why she is not to wind up her brother and that this behaviour is not acceptable.

When your DD pushes and pushes, I would just ignore her. Tell her that you are not prepared to speak or listen to her until she speaks in a reasonable way. Walk away, go to another room, on the beach take your 4 year old off for some beach combing, take your control back. Don't let her upset you, it's your holiday and DS holiday as well. Good luck.

Chottie Tue 13-Aug-13 01:52:46

OP - I am with awbless on this I was also my children's parent and not their friend when they were teenagers. I would not tolerate rudeness, door slamming and they had clear boundaries.

Yes, they kicked off at times, but I stood firm and the message got through. Good luck and take heart.

Redglow my children were / are not perfect, but certain behaviours were not acceptable and I made that consistently clear. DP and I were on the same page with this.

I do accept that being a teen is a time for change, but in my book it is not a time for rudeness either.

Sending you an unMN hug { }.

FrameyMcFrame Sun 11-Aug-13 17:54:51

Hi I have been reading the thread and sympathise.
I've had a really upsetting afternoon with my DD who constantly fights with her 4 yr old brother. Then blames it on me, she manages to twist it so that everything is my fault. Today she had me in tears at the beach, I'm trying my best to have a happy family life but she wants to ruin everything we do.
Also my Mum (her grandma) always takes her side against me.
She pushes and pushes until we all end up ratty and I'm in tears or shouting at people.
Sorry to vent. I just so understand how you feel
wine

Scruffey Sun 11-Aug-13 15:12:38

Teenagers are rude but in this case, I would ask her how she thinks this boy would have felt if you had totally blanked him, rather than saying hello.

Cerisier Sun 11-Aug-13 15:09:40

Bunnyhop I think you should start your own thread on this.

Your DD sounds very difficult. My advice would be to pick your battles. If she doesn't want maths tuition then don't force it, it has to come from them. My DD 16 was not good at French, but refused tuition. I didn't force it.

Try to disengage when she is winding you up. Don't rise to the bait. Flow gives really good advice about dealing with difficult teens, I hope she sees your post as she was on the original thread.

Bunnyhop2013 Fri 09-Aug-13 15:41:24

I could really use some advice/help. I could merrily strangle my 14 nearly 15 year old daughter. She sleeps all day, which I have to admit I'm actually quite thankful for as it means I don't have to deal with her until at least 2 or 3 in the afternoon. She whines constantly. Takes no responsibility for anything; everything is someone else's fault. If we say anything she doesn't like the sound of she will turn her back in the middle of the conversation and stomp upstairs slamming the door as she goes.
She is becoming increasingly overweight as she eats too much and is diabolically lazy. She is struggling terribly with maths but the maths tutor said after 2 lessons there was no point continuing as she refused to engage or apply herself. Se came down to lessons in her pyjama with a face like a bag of hammers and didn't even greet the tutor. She is a nightmare. The problem now is that I am so angry with her I can't bear to be in her company even when she is being relatively normal. Usually this sudden 'niceness' is due to her wanting something, a lift, make up etc. When i point out that her recent behaviour doesn't merit any 'treats' she just shouts at me and stomps back upstairs to her room.
She is settled and happy at school and has a nice set of friends. There are the usual dramas but nothing out of the ordinary. She is just awful at home and quite violent towards her younger sister. Thumping her or slapping her if for instance her sister is watching TV and she wants to watch something else. I can't leave her alone with her younger sister as I can't trust her to not be violent with her.
She is becoming increasingly difficult. I feel like a terrible mother as I have to admit that I really don't like her and I can't wait for her to leave home. She's always been challenging but it is getting worse rather than better. She doesn't get on with her sisters either. Any one else have similar problems? I just worry that maybe there is something I should or could have done to stop the situation spiralling so out of control...

DD1121 Wed 29-May-13 23:46:19

so my teen 14 1/2 has come home and immediately says she hates me, hates her sister, and I have asked her if she would like a cup of tea or needs an advil since she says she hasnt felt well. She then has run down into her room, under her bed, crying hysterically and when I ask if I can come in, get her anything, she tells me to leave her alone. At other times, I would not be worried. It is the length of time this has been going on and the isolation she is creating in our home, in her life in general that concerns me. When do I seek out help from professional therapists if she wont communicate with me?

beagreassive Tue 07-Aug-12 08:15:05

DD1 has been wonderful as a young teen, while DD2 was a disaster (seriously, really really hard work). DD2 (nearly 18) is sorting herself out lovely at the moment, while DD1 got more and more obnoxious and demanding till I gave her the ultimatum of shaping up or shipping out: she moved her stuff to her fathers this last weekend, and I am currently trying to figure out how to maintain the good aspects of that relationship (which was wonderful till a year ago) with the less positive recent behaviours. I think she really is at the point where she needs to be "away" to be able to remember that we love each other, so I am hoping the move will be a positive thing.
That said, the people who have wonderful children and zero tolerance policies for rudeness: I'd love to know how you would have handled some of the really vile stuff that DD2 threw at me. Let alone some of the seriously concerning stuff she threw at herself. It's all very well having a zero tolerance policy for behaviour that is never ever tested: I had no problems with that approach with DD1 but the same responses to DD2's behaviour nearly left me with a dead daughter....

Redglow Mon 06-Aug-12 15:09:39

My daughter changed when she fell in love.! I am sure you will get close again.

Bumblefeet Mon 06-Aug-12 09:50:07

I've read this thread with great interest, my daughter is coming up to 21, and still a bitch!

She has recently moved out, and appears to have very strange rules regarding behaviour and social skills.

ie, She never contacts us, unless she needs something, yet calls us names because 'communication goes both ways.
She states on fb that none of her family care about her, and that I have lost a daughter.

She lies just about all the time, and has missed both fathers day, and a major family birthday this weekend, which is apparently my fault, because I was meant to be giving her a lift! Erm, first I've heard about that!

She now has her absent parent father involved, and he has asked me if we can talk.
As she is nearly 21, I have no obligation to discuss her with him, especially as she left home of her own accord, and he only gets involved if there is a drama to be had. Shan't be returning THAT text!

We have had to deal with so many situations for so many years, that we are now quite weary of the whole thing, and at a total loss. Needless to say, her brother is the nicest creature you could wish to meet. (apart from at 7am!).

These threads make me realise that we are not on our own dealing with these issues, and that although we neither want nor invite the shitty behaviour, it comes regardless, it's how we handle it that matters.

As whatever we do regarding our daughter (I've been married to her stepdad since she was 4, she is classed as 'our' daughter) is clearly wrong in her eyes, I have decided to watch from a distance.
If I contact her, she is defensive and abusive, despite there being no argument that led to her leaving home, and if I don't contact her, I clearly don't care.
Just no middle ground, and I can't do right for doing wrong, so I have decided not to react anymore to her selfish and manipulative behaviour.

We came to the conclusion quite a while ago that we just have to leave her to go and sort herself out, and in time, she will come good. Personally, I think it will be a good decade away, but I do like to keep positive....

Chin up ladies!

LovelyMuffins Fri 03-Aug-12 10:35:08

you are giving me hope! I know my lovely daughter is in there somewhere. I see it shining through. I think i almost have to remove myself from how she is and remember how she was. Also, it helps to remember that they cannot help it!

Redglow Fri 03-Aug-12 10:21:01

She will come back . My daughter was awful she is now nineteen and lovely. From twelve to fifteen was a nightmare.

QOD007 Fri 03-Aug-12 09:55:49

My dd finds me horribly embarrassing, she's such a miserable child, just like her dad.
Glass not even half full, it's empty and cracked. She's depressing to be with 2 weeks out of 6 due to hormones.

Sigh

Where's my wonderful dd who used to love me gone?

LovelyMuffins Fri 03-Aug-12 09:45:28

Mrs RobertDuval - I think I am too!

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea Fri 03-Aug-12 09:42:02

It's the hormones.
We have fun in our house as I am menopausalsmile

Redglow Fri 03-Aug-12 09:40:58

That's great lovely muffins. Obviously doing something right.

LovelyMuffins Fri 03-Aug-12 08:12:52

well dd has been very contrite since her outburst. She does realise how much she hurt me and what was ironic was that the girl we were collecting when she yelled at me lost her Mum when she was 3. I told her that there are some people who would give anything to have a Mum in their lives. I think that may have broiught it home a bit. who knows. Anyway, she has asked if we can do something together soon and apologised. I feel much better. Until the next outburst..........!

Redglow Thu 02-Aug-12 22:36:51

You sound like a great parent lovely muffins. As flow rightly says if it was down to bad parenting all the children in one family would be a nightmare.

We can only do what we think is right there is not a right way to bring up children and teenagers what works for one does not work for all it's trial and error.

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