My teenage daughter is turning into a bitch. Help me survive

(90 Posts)
LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 17:05:00

She told me to butt out of her life this afternoon. I had collected her from a friends house and told her I saw her boy/friend this afternoon and said hello to him (she was at a friends). That was clearly the wrong thing for me to have done. I said that as he had been in our house and had his tongue down her throat I was quite within my rights as a human being and her mother to say hello to him. She responded by telling me I have no right to say hello and shouting that I should butt out of her life. I was shocked, angry, hurt. I can barely speak to her. I hate this teen stuff. She is fucking horrible sometimes. Also she has started speaking badly and it really really grates on me. She doesn't realise she is doing it - she says. I could quite happily tell her to fuck off. I didn;t think she would be like this. She's selfish, rude and talks to me like I am a useless, stupid lump of shit.

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 21:59:19

Exit no point asking a 12 yr old to respect the house! And a 12 yo with a blackberry? How did she afford that? How does she put the credit on because she couldn't get a contract at her age could she?

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:04:15

redglow well the 24 yo and the 19 yo haven't changed yet so I am not expecting the 16 yo to change much either.

If I am coming over as smug then I accept that. But look at my previous post - I work with some of the 'worst' teenage behavior you can imagine, I get successes.

LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 22:06:55

so given your expertise in teenage behaviour what would you recommend I do? She is displaying typical teen traits I suppose. Everything revolves around her, she can be very rude and dismissive, she has no respect etc etc etc.

mirry2 Wed 01-Aug-12 22:09:50

my own teenager says 'what do you expect? I'm a teenager.' Makes me laugh that she's so insightful

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:10:30

When you say she has no respect what do you mean? What do you say when she is rude?

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:13:41

mirry laughing is good. I've used that loads of times.

"what's it got to do with you?" is another phrase used to good effect.

"you crack on then" another gem used when they expect a row.

Don't take 'em on.

LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 22:17:24

it is hard to quantify awbless. There are so many incidents in a week. Surly, looks at me like I am stupid interference. I will ask her a question adn she'll reply with utter disdain and impatience.
Mirry - my dd does that too. I hvae said that jsut because it is teenage behaviour, it does not make it acceptable. I am sure she does have respect somewhere. She treats me like I am an embarrassement.
When she is rude I tell her I will not accept being spoken to like that and how dare she refer to me as if I am some lesser being etc etc. It is very diff to write it all down as there are many minor incidents that make a big grim picture

mirry2 Wed 01-Aug-12 22:20:29

I was exactly the same as a teenager. My poor long suffering monther.....

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:20:46

They have no concept that we actually have feelings.

If I ask a student "what do you think your mum thought when you said/did that", they genuinely look at me in amazement. They just do not consider how we feel - especially those of us that love them more than life itself.

There are plenty of parents who don't feel like us and frankly don't give a shit. Their DC's are so desperate to please them its heartbreaking.

You have my sympathy. I have a 14yr old dd too.

It is so hard to find the balance between being letting them have a life and not letting them take the piss.

Mine has today appeared with a love bite shock sad. Ive not ranted, ive said I think it looks awful and that she should have more self respect, and that from now on her bf isn't allowed in the house if i'm not here, but god, what else do you do when faced with that ??

My mum would say ive no punished her enough, but i don't wang to alienate her.

I have all this to come with 12yr old dd2 aswell. confused

OP i think in your position, i'd remove stuff like lifts to friends, and tv access or something, even if only for a day.

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:29:10

lovelymuffins sounds like you are trying too hard. (I know this comes over as harsh in text - and I am saying it in my head in a caring way really).

Try a bit of disdain yourself, try a bit of "yeah it's a tough life isn't it". Try really hard not to do the " please treat us with respect/you treat this house as a hotel" type thing.

I used to do a lot of patronising "I know, I know it's hard isn't it/life's a bitch isn't it" and then get back to my book/glass of wine etc.

I also throw in a lot of what I got up to - dead casual in conversation. They go OMG thats gross mum! But I say "don't thibnk I don't know what goes on in that tiny brain of yours".

elastamum Wed 01-Aug-12 22:30:44

I'm with awbless on this. As a LP of teens I have a zero tolerance policy on rudeness or bad behavior in my house. Everyone is expected to do chores, walk the dogs for me and muck in.

Both my boys know that if I am the one going out to earn money to keep us then I dont expect to wait on everyone at home as well. When we have dinner in the evening nobody leaves the kitchen until everything is cleared away and the washing up is done. Thats just how we live. I wouldnt dream of paying either of my two boys for chores. They understand they have responsibilities which are part of us being a family and they OFFER to help all the time.

We do try to have a laugh together and I dont sweat the small stuff or nag (dont have the energy) and interestingly both my boys say I am the most easy going of all their friends parents.

IMO we do our children no favours by waiting on them and running round after them. Adult life isnt like that

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:34:05

Nutcracker just got to reply to your post.

I went home with a lovebite (about 14yo I think), my dad went ballistic - never seen him raise his voice prior to that. However, I did tell my DC's that story but added in what a tramp I looked and how I though I was cool, when in fact I looked a complete slapper. (truth always carries weight)

DD is 24 never had a lovebite because I've brainwashed them to think that it common.

mirry2 Wed 01-Aug-12 22:34:07

Yes awbless, I've told my dd about what I got up to and how I caused my dm so much stress and she has understood, which I think is why her behavour is not as bad as it could be. Still turned my hair prematurely grey though.

elastamum Wed 01-Aug-12 22:35:26

I also say things like 'if this was a hotel we would have been shut down years ago, but thankfully it isnt so please get off your lovely arses and help me tidy up' A joke is usually met by a smile and some action grin

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:37:19

elstamum sounds just like us. My DC's say exactly same about us.

DS (19) said a few weeks ago that his mates couldn't believe that "me and you have never had an argument". It's true - as you say - don't sweat the small stuff.

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:39:48

Just want to add that the DC's all get on too. They can't understand friends who say they hate their siblings.

I really don't want to sound smug, and I appreciate when you are going through a tough time it's the last thing you want to hear but you can only change YOUR behavior and your attitude - that's the key.

LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 22:42:21

well I am obviously shit at this. Feel defeated and deflated.

Hassled Wed 01-Aug-12 22:44:45

All I can tell you is that it will pass and you will all get your lovely DDs back again. My DD was the reason I joined MN - 6? years ago. I was in complete and utter despair - no one could make me as angry, no one could push the buttons like she could. I just couldn't deal with the hatred and resentment and rudeness - her moods would dominate the entire house.

But somewhere along the way - at 18ish - she started to mature, and we have a wonderful relationship now. So just keep telling yourselves it won't always be this awful - and in the meantime pick your battles (you have to let some of it wash over you) but be consistent - zero tolerance for the stuff you really can't ignore. Make the most of the good days - if you can bond over something/anything, even if only for a few hours, make the most of it. Those hours not talking in the cinema were actually our quality time, and it was important that we were doing something together.

My dad would have done the same awbless. The thing is, with dd1, if i shout then she def doesn't listen as much as if i am calm and just state what i think.

I am also going to speak to her bf when he next appears. dd's not happy about that, but that's tough.

I am a lone parent, and also didn't live with my mum as a teen so I do sometimes struggle to know what is best. I have to be the good cop and bad cop all rolled into one, and it does suck someties.

mirry2 Wed 01-Aug-12 22:47:05

lovelymuffins you are not shit at being a parent. It's a hard job and you are not alone in finding it difficult. Most people in rl won't admit it ourt of loyalty to their dc but I would say most must be going through the same things.

Lovelymuffins, you are not shit at all. Parenting a teen is bloody hard. Give yourself a break.

As someone further up said, try a bit of sarcasm back. My kids know that they will get nowhere with me if they are rude, but they still try it on. Also, pick your battles and don't sweat the small stuff.

wellwisher Wed 01-Aug-12 22:50:13

LovelyMuffins, this book gets recommended a lot on here - I haven't read it as I don't have teenage children (thank god!) but it might be worth a look? I love the title, remember having many conversations like that with my long-suffering parents when I was a teenage bitch grin

mirry2 Wed 01-Aug-12 22:51:15

Yes I agree with Hasled. The cinema is a great place to bond. She may not want to go with you if she feels embarrassed at being seen out with you (a common attitude) but say the film is something you really want to see and want her company. Try and keep calm and you both may really enjoy it.

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:51:32

lovelymuffins you're not shit. If you were shit you'd be injecting yourself with some substance, pissed somewhere, shagging some dickhead (oh maybe that's just me) not have clue where your DC's where or even care. That's shit.

You care and love them but you have to prepare them for real life. We can't protect them and carry them around. Be a bit selfish - she does, so can you. Try it (you might get to like it wink - I do) the world doesn't revolve around them and neither do you, the sooner they catch on the better.

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