Anyone else biding their time until thry are shot of them

[mulranno]

Feel like the only way I can cope is to count the days until they leave home. I feel overwhelmed by the negative energy, money issues etc. I justwish we were out the other side .... But will we ever get there .... Feel realy sad that this is my failed family life

[futureunknown]

I am sorry to hear that OP, you are certainly not alone in having difficult teens as a glance down the Teenagers board will show you.

How old are your teens and is it them wanting money that is stressing you?

Perhaps you could try listing all the good things that are happening to try to take your mind off the bad things, and remember don't sweat the small things.

[Olympia2012]

It's hard, I sympathise.

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

You will get out the other side. How old are they? Teens can be a bloody nightmare sometimes can't they.

[eatyourveg]

I find with my boys 14 16 18 it is far easier breaking everything down into chunks - don't give yourself such a long term target. Getting through a week or even a day sometimes can be a major achievement.

You haven't failed at family life this is simply adolescence at its worse. They have to go through it. Keep reminding yourself that they are still the same children you have always loved and it is their hormones that is creating the behaviour and to an extent they are not able to control them 24/7

I bought a drum kit and a punchbag to get us all through and told them to thrash their hormonal tantrums out on them. With a houseful of testosterone it hasn't been easy and I have ended up in tears at times but all the way through I have tried my damdest to keep the lines of communication open.

Hang on in there

[mulranno]

I only have one teen - just turned 14 few days ago. But he really hates me and is so aggressive and unreasonable - that our family life is painful - I have 3 younger children - one daughter with sen and v challenging behaviour. Good tip to view it little by little - but sometimes I just feel like running away. Maybe I just feel guilty about wishing this time away - or maybe I have lost my identity and have not carved out time for myself.... Today i just told my younger son how wonderful he is as I tried to remember the other good children. We cant travel in a car together, eat at a restaurant or have a family day trip without the 14 yearold causing chaos - actually cant remember when we last did these things. Might just go ahead and do the fun stuff and leave the older one out - rather than envourage him to join in . For his birthday we just tok him out with his grandma and 6 year old sister for breakfast to keep the stress down - but it was still painfull - he was just so ignorant, delierately rude etc - I just feel so gutted by his behaviour - wonder is it just posturing to get a reaction?

[mulranno]

I only have one teen - just turned 14 few days ago. But he really hates me and is so aggressive and unreasonable - that our family life is painful - I have 3 younger children - one daughter with sen and v challenging behaviour. Good tip to view it little by little - but sometimes I just feel like running away. Maybe I just feel guilty about wishing this time away - or maybe I have lost my identity and have not carved out time for myself.... Today i just told my younger son how wonderful he is as I tried to remember the other good children. We cant travel in a car together, eat at a restaurant or have a family day trip without the 14 yearold causing chaos - actually cant remember when we last did these things. Might just go ahead and do the fun stuff and leave the older one out - rather than envourage him to join in . For his birthday we just tok him out with his grandma and 6 year old sister for breakfast to keep the stress down - but it was still painfull - he was just so ignorant, delierately rude etc - I just feel so gutted by his behaviour - wonder is it just posturing to get a reaction?

[PorkyandBess]

We have a 14 yr old. He is mostly, lovely.

However, we have just had about 5 horrendous days during which he has been rude, disrespectful, angry, bullying and just vile.

I have tried very hard to let it all go, thinking he is at the mercy of his hormones. This morning though, he and I had an almighty barney. This was the last thing I wanted, but it has been cathartic for the whole family. He has finally apologised for his ghastliness and admitted he was on some sort of spiral of unreasonableness.

He is so relieved and so much happier. I feel we've got our lovely boy back. How long it lasts, who knows!

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

He sounds 100% typical

... which doesn't make it any easier when you are going through it... but you haven't failed in any way.. this is why there is a teenage section on here! They can be VERY VERY hard to cope with.. even tho ones who don't steal/lie/smoke week/smash the house up . Just the standard teenage nastiness is incredibly wearing and hurtful and leaves you wondering why the hell you had children..

Teens are like toddlers in bigger bodies.. they CANNOT see anything but their own point of view and are generally incredibly selfish. But underneath they ARE still the person they were at 10 and eventually they do emerge more or less human

In the meantime.. well personally I'd pick my battles. I gave up on family outings during the worst of the teen years ..it just wasn't worth the misery.. they didn't WANT to. All they wanted was to be left alone, or money, or lifts! I think my worst point was when my four were 10 13,14 and 15 ..the ten year old was sweet and the rest were hideous!! Then the 14 yr old became REALLY nasty..stealing, smoking weed etc etc...

BUT 5 years down the line they are all human again.. even my dS1, who put us through hell. They are civil, can actually hold a conversation, and will generally help out, come out, and are nice!

Hang in there.. do stuff separately if you need to.. (to be fair not many 14 yr olds would want to family stuff with younger siblings..mine would have thrown a right strop at 14 if expected to go out with Grandma and little sis... these days they would all be fine with it..)..and just hang on... it does get better!!

[mumeeee]

Hang in there OP. Your DS sounds a typical teen to me. I agree with the other poster who said pick your battles and don't insist he comes on family outings.

[amillionyears]

there have been 2 or 3 threads like this lately.
It being end of term may make things harder.
They may feel they have been cooped up in school,are tired,irritable,grumpy,and need time to let loose a bit.
Ignore what I have just said if you dont think this applies at all.

[mulranno]

Thanks. I know I am not alone. Will drop the family stuff but it is the smashing furniture, punching light switches and punching me that depresses me .... We have this at least once a month after a blinding row....where I dont shout but stand my ground. Also find it difficult that husband does not step in discipline or punish for this sort of behaviour. Find it quite devasating that my home life is violent, abusive, aggressive

[hectorthestandbyhawk]

Mumsnet has this advice on living with violent teenagers here.

[JugglingWithTangentialOranges]

Hang on in there.

Spend some time with him - just you and him.

Make your relationship with him a priority ?

Spend time with one person at a time, rather than hoping everyone will get on together ?

Build up slowly from these foundations ?

[Faxthatpam]

I do so sympathise! My 16 yo was like this at 14 and was also clearly in pain with it. He had no idea how to get himself out of the cycle of anger, abuse and aggression once he'd got himself into it. Hang on in there it does get better - mine is now 16 and SO much nicer! We still row sometimes but it is nothing like it was he has come out the other side and can be just lovely again. Also, they don't all do it, I was spared it with my oldest, now 18 but think I may be in for it with my just turned 13 yo!!! It is exhausting to cope with day in day out so give yourself a break and make life as easy as possible by not putting him in situations you know he will react to, it's just not worth it. Good luck and don't despair.

[Spid]

Hi just joined and know how you feel - I want to be with my daughter but also wish she would just go away until she has matured. She wants to go to the local college and live at home next - I'm dreading it and want her to go into hals. How do you tell a 17 year old that! So I so empathise.

However, he can't hit you - and you need to make it clear to your hubby that it isn't acceptable and he needs to step up to the plate and stop your son.

[eatyourveg]

Do you think perhaps your son's behaviour is exacerbated by having a sibling with sen and challenging behaviour? Could it be a "what about me?" scenario? My younger 2 have autism and over the years we have had to go to great lengths to make sure all 3 of them get the same amount of attention. Please don't leave the eldest one out of things. its the worst thing you could do imo.

Its particularly hard on siblings of sen kids and ds1 has over the years had what we call special Wednesdays where we have had a carer in and we can go to pizza express, go to the cinema, play football in the park, go to the library and do all the normal kids things that we can't do with his brothers in tow.

Do you have any relatives or support package from SS which would allow you to have some mum & son time together to do something special? Doesn't have to be for long. An hour to kick a football in the park could mean the world to him though he'd probably be reluctant to ever tell you so.

Crossroads and Carers First take direct referrals from parents if you can't get referred through SS (at least they do in our area though the waiting list is usually longer if you self refer.)

Bad days really can be crap but hang on in there because a good day is never far away and more often than not they can make all the bad days bearable

[flow4]

mulranno, it's incredibly hard when your child is violent. And I'm so sorry you have a partner who isn't backing you up :( You should not have to put up with violence, and certainly not with being punched. I think you need to draw a very clear line: tell your son that if he is violent again, you will call 999 - and do it. I had to do it on 3 occasions, and on the third, I had my son arrested and charged :( It was incredibly stressful and we had a couple of weeks of hell because we were both so angry with each other, but he has never been violent since.

[strictlovingmum]

Agree with flow4 that sort of aggression is unacceptable, you are his mother not a punch bag, on the same note he does sound very typical boy, but excuses should not be made.
Not talking, sulking, demanding all typical and normal for 14 year old boy, ignore it, and only pay attention to good and normal behaviour.
Don't tip toe around him and shower him with attention, instead take the charge and be a parent, set rules and clear boundaries and expect him to adhere to those, you have other children What kind of example is being set to them with this sort of behaviour going on in your home?, empower yourself and deal with him, one day at the time.
He will emerge as a lovely young man in few years time, and yes you will have a normal loving relationship once again, but only if you take reins in your hands now and demand respect, good luck.
OP, at the age of 14 children almost feel lost, they are looking for guidance and advice, parental firmness and security, IME worst you can do now is to do nothing and let him drift, instead navigate and guide him, if only subtly, and his outbursts and aggression will subside, he will feel more secure and safe, better equipped to deal with those turbulent hormones and feelings that are gripping him, I feel for you.

[SecondhandRose]

I feel the same, most days I dont see my son until 1 or 2pm, he has been off school nearly a month. Says he is doing work towards year 13 but I have no idea. I dont make much effort to get him up as he is so rude and arrogant. He is 17.

Just asking him to do simple tasks is very difficult and I really don't speak to him much if I can help it.

As he has taken to showering at between 2 and 3pm he is questioning why there is no hot water available to him. So arrogant. He has a sense of self entitlement.

He gets no pocket money at all as he refuses to look after his room.

He spends all day on the internet and gets money from the number of hits his site gets. Not much but as he doesnt come out of his room he doesn't spend it. He has t-shirts advertising his website and I offered to buy him 2 for marketing purposes. He chose them and I said are you sure about one as it was West Ham claret and blue and I said this to him. He replied it was what he wanted. As soon as it arrived he said it was wrong.

I must admit if I had known it would have been like this maybe I would have considered my child bearing options 17 years ago.

[musicposy]

I think it is fairly unusual for teens to want to do family stuff in the way they did when they were little. If you go out, give him the choice to come or stay behind. There is no way my youngest would agree to spend her 13th birthday with her grandmother and a younger child. This would be asking for rudeness and stroppiness on my part . She'll be 13 in a couple of weeks and is planning to disappear with friends or if she can, the boyfriend, for the day. You maybe need to adjust your expectations.

Is his money dependent on behaviour? Our DDs (16 and nearly 13) get an allowance monthly. If they deliberately broke anything in the house, part of that would be taken away for the replacement. That's a logical consequence - logical consequences for behaviour are important at this age when not much makes sense in their teenage brains. Try to make any punishments directly relate to the crime.

I also pay extra for chores done willingly etc. We have dogs and DD2 rarely wants to come out with us. If she stays at home I pay her £1 an hour to dogsit (much cheaper than a real dogsitter and can add up to £20 or so extra over the week for zero effort on her part). I tell relatives and friends she is dogsitting rather than she doesn't want to come - so she feels I'm a bit on her side. the feeling I'm on her side rather than someone making her do boring family stuff makes her more likely to be cooperative in other things.

Try not to row over things which don't matter. It's rare I see either DD before midday at the moment and my 16 year old is often up until the early hours. Who cares? It's her summer holiday. Likewise, you can rarely see the floor in my DD2's bedroom. It's her room, I leave her to it.

I try to say yes to requests if I possibly can. That way, they know my "no"s are for a good reason. It's not been easy, particularly with my youngest, who does stroppy particularly well, has had a boyfriend for almost a year now, and has some friends I wouldn't personally choose for her. But you will get through it. Just take it a bit at a time. And it's not failed family life; try not to look at it that way. Family life changes for all of us when our children hit teens. Teens can be very funny - try to find the good bits and don't expect it to be how it was 5 years ago. :)

[bumpybecky]

yes - I keep telling myself it's only another 4 years :( my eldest is 14 and frankly horrible right now. I've got three younger children and today we've ended up stuck at home as the eldest refuses to go out and I don't trust her here by herself. Great :(

[happilyconfused]

So relieved I am not alone. My DD (14) 'hates' me and has done for some time. The usual pattern is that she is nice when she wants something and then I am 'a witch' about two hours later. She barely looked at me over the weekend - even sent DH a text asking him to divorce me. I never know if I am dealing with Jeckell or Hyde. I am at my wits end and counting down the days until she goes to university and quite frankly I don't care if I have to pay.

[noddyholder]

They become normal again at 17/18

[musicposy]

bumpybecky is there a reason you can't trust your 14 year old by herself? What are you afraid she will do?

It just seems strange to me not to be able to go out and leave your teen alone. I leave both of mine alone for extended periods of time - I'd be fed up too if I couldn't because they don't often want to come with us. Is there a way you can work on building that trust?

[Mintyy]

I am terribly sorry that you feel this way and I do not wish to sound glib or flippant at all, but I have always felt that the teen years are nature's way of making parents ready to allow their offspring to fly the nest. If dc remained as lovely as they are at age 5-11 (approx) we would just want to keep them with us forever. I know that is an inadequate response to your very sad op, but its kindof what I really feel.