Advice regarding 12 year old daughter

[wirral]

I am a single parent who shares the care of our 12 year old (almost 13) daughter with my exh.
The situation at present is so difficult and i don't know what to do. If our daughter doesn't like what's happening at one house then she moves to the other parents.
Currently she moved out from my house a week ago and is refusing to come home. This was prompted by my trying to get her revise for her exams.
She moved back to her Dad's and was nice to me for a period of time as she wanted me to agree to her mobile being topped up. I agreed and she is now "punishing" me by refusing to see me

I am so worried that she is going to permanently be going from home to home when it suits her. Her Dad is willing to put up with this behaviour and will go out of his way to make arrangements for her to stay at his house with his girlfriend rather than tell our daughter that she needs to come home.

I think that I need to stop my daughter doing this but don't know how to. Am tempted to say that I will see her on set days (if she wants to) but not just have an open door policy to her. This makes me feel dreadful but I do think that she desperately needs some sort of guidance

[stmoritzsmells]

hey wirral

I admit, as a teenager when my parents split up, I used to do this..alot.

I would say from her point of view, no matter how difficult she's being, its because she's probably feeling shitty and is using it to take her anger out on you in particular.
I wish my mum had been stricter with me op, I made her very upset and she would tear her hair out with me at times, which I am very ashamed of now.

I would strongly advise you, as a former stroppy little madam who's parents split up, to give your dd SET days and NOT let her come over whenever she feels like it. She will respond well to boundaries and whilst she may initially hate it, she will respect your strength and the fact you have put your foot down. trust me on that!!!!

set days, be firm but gentle with her, and let her know its your house, your rules, but there's no pissing about and moving here there and everywhere.

[wirral]

Thanks. It is my gut feeling that this is the right thing to do but it is so difficult as I would absolutely hate her to think that I don't want her to come here.

Her Dad is telling me that I'm "giving up" on her and I can't make him understand that I am just so worried about her whole attitude towards me (and other adults) that I need to try to set some boundaries

I am also the least strict parent EVER but really do think that I need to do something as I am so worried about her attitude and behaviour

[bushymcbush]

She is certainly manipulating the situation to get what she wants, and needs to be brought back into line. But this can only happen if you and her father work together as co parents. You can't co tell this situation by yourself because she will always run to dad when she doesn't like your rules, and if he allows it there is nothing you can do to stop it happening without his cooperation.

Have you discussed this at length with your ex?

[wirral]

Have discussed it at great length. She recently fell out with him and moved to my house. I made her go to his house at least once a week, even when I could have made other arrangements for her. This weekend she was due at my house as he was working but he got his girlfriend to look after her.

She seems to be able to wrap him round her little finger and he always supports her against me!

[mathanxiety]

Your ex and you need to present a united front. He needs to send her straight back to you when she turns up on a day when she shouldn't be at his. The two of you need to tighten up the arrangement considerably, firstly so that there is no open door policy on the part of either of you, and secondly so that your DD knows exactly where she stands.

The two of you need to get together and compare notes without pointing blaming fingers at each other. I really recommend going to family mediation for this so it doesn't degenerate into a bunfight. You might find one here.

[Cynner]

My little miss (age 13) also tried this trick. She would ring xhb to complain about me every time we had a disagreement. She could really work herself up into a fine bit of hysteria. I would hear her screaming at her father to come get her as I was " making her life a living hell." Fortunately, pre-divorce counciling had helped us be aware that this situation could occur. My ex and I agreed to stand together and make it clear she could not play us against each other.
She knows this will not work, but still does not stop her from trying!

[flow4]

It's all well and good people saying separated parents must 'co-parent' - of course they should, but if one of them won't co-operate and instead uses the situation to point-score and hurt, then the other parent is stuffed. You can unilaterally set boundaries, but then you can expect to be seen as the mean, evil one. :(

In the end, as stmoritz says wirral, your daughter will respect what you did, but it can take a long time. My friend had this same thing happen with her 3 boys - her ex wd turn up in the middle of the night to collect one of them, if he'd called to say "mum's mean, come and get me dad", which of course they all did, as often as it got them what they wanted... She had over 15 years of it, and each son 'got wise' to what was going on in the end, but only at the age of about 21-22. :(

I think your instincts are right and you should set boundaries/days, wirral, because even if your ex plays games and it doesn't work, you'll be giving your daughter a clear 'moral message'. But brush up your stress management techniques, cos you might need 'em

Oh, and the girlfriend might be an unexpected ally... I know another friend who got regular days set because her ex's girlfriend saw the value of it, even if he didn't, and insisted :)

[mathanxiety]

If you can't depend on your former partner, then you always have recourse to the courts. You can get a visitation/custody agreement that states exactly the days when the child should be at one home and the other, and that will be enforced by the courts. The courts may listen to what the teen has to say about where she wants to live, but they will also look at the level of supervision available and other factors that would impinge on the welfare of the minor.

It would be worthwhile renegotiating the visitation/custody, or setting it on a formal basis if it is informal at the moment. That way, the exP will be obliged to observe the agreement and bring the DD back if she shows up whinging about Mean Old Mum. Or he would find that unless he himself started growing a backbone he would have a very unpleasant time with the DD, if she ended up spending the majority of her time with him. (Or maybe his GF would stop the madness as Flow4 says).