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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Step children and sex

18 replies

Nonio · 18/06/2012 13:40

my 17 year old step daughter is coming to live with me. I have 2 small children and her dad works away all the time. All of this is ok, the problem is her 19 year old boyfriend, I know they sleep together they have been together for 4 to 5 months. I don't want them to sleep together in my house, how do I stop it turning into an issue.

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mumblechum1 · 18/06/2012 13:42

Why don't you feel comfortable about it - is it in case your children walk in on them?

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Nonio · 18/06/2012 14:07

Yes also she isn't 17 until July she has only been with him for 4 months.

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julieann42 · 18/06/2012 23:44

Your house, your rules. She either follows the rules or leaves! Her choice!

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sashh · 19/06/2012 06:37

Talk with her?

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pumpkinsweetie · 19/06/2012 06:49

She is the legal age of consent & stopping her could cause rebellion.
I think as long as she keeps it quiet and private i don't see a problem tbh.
Just make sure she knows about contraception and stds as that is more important than your feelings about her having sex in the house

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marriednotdead · 19/06/2012 06:50

You need to talk this through with your DH, make sure you are in agreement and HE needs to let her know the ground rules. Before she moves in.

In time, you may relax the rules. If you think this is possible/won't happen then he needs to know.

As her bio parent, let him be the one who sets the tone with her. It's easy enough to become evil SM without giving yourself a head start by announcing unpopular policies!

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LurkingAndLearningForNow · 19/06/2012 06:55

My mum always took the attitude of 'I don't like it, but I'd rather you did it safely in our home than sneak off to the park.'

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worrywortisworrying · 19/06/2012 07:00

We deal with the exact same issue! Dsd1 is 17, her bf is 19 and I have just 4yo and 2yo..

We've resolved the problem by converting some of the garage to create a separate area, with own facilities so they and the small kids only have contact when everything is appropriate and we don't have to worry about their privacy (which they also deserve).

Is that something you could consider?

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Nonio · 19/06/2012 10:11

Unfortunatly my house does not have that space.
If she had been with him for a year or so I think it would be less of an issue.
I do understand that she is of legal age! And it is my home not a hotel so my feeling do need to be consider thanks.

I would love to leave this conversation to her Dad but as he is not back until November and she moves in two weeks I guess it's down to me.

I am going to talk to her about the house rules. And listen to what she has to say and go from there. Thanks all

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Beamur · 19/06/2012 10:19

I had a similar-ish situation with my step son, but his girlfriend was an occasional visitor. However, SS very politely challenged me and his Dad putting them in separate rooms (on the basis that they were sleeping together anyway - he was quite frank!) and we agreed they could share a room when she was here. To be honest, I preferred them having a room they could go to as the pda's in the lounge were much much harder to bear for everyone else!!
Consider whether enforcing a separation to these young adults is going to be more of an issue than tolerating them sharing a room. I think I'd be more concerned about how often her boyfriend is going to be there, as you could end up hosting 2 additional residents!
Saying all that - your house, your rules!

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Nonio · 20/06/2012 00:31

Thanks Beanur.

Started my chat tonight over the phone, colour of room, pocket money etc. She asked if friends could come to stay. I said yes within reason as I would have said to my other children. It was awful it was like the white elephant in the room on acid! She then can out with the statement 'don't think BF is ready to meet Dad. Or Dad to meet BF maybe when I am 30'
So I guess I will face it when I need to.... Or just take the cowards way out as there is no rush and say ask you father.

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HollyWall4 · 26/06/2012 16:05

I remember my initial reaction to my then 15 year old daughter. Could have killed her! But it would be extremely hypocritical i had her aged 15!! Talk nicely to your step daughter explain yr rules

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LemonBreeland · 26/06/2012 16:26

I think that you discuss a time you may feel it to be appropriate. That may be never if your other DC are young, you may not find it appropriate.

You also need to take your DHs feelings on this into account. He may not currently be there but it is his home too.

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happygrecian · 01/07/2012 01:30

Can stepdads join in this conversation? My 18 yo stepdaughter (who I've known and loved since she was 11) has been sexually active since she was 16 and occasionally "staying over " with friends in rooms at college. We naively thought at the time it was with girlfriends, but found out later she had been lying to us.
She turned 18 two months ago, and came clean with mum that she has been sleeping at college with her boyfriend of 4 months, and had occasionally stayed over at his parent's house. The boy's mum totally undermined my wife in a chat on the phone 3 weeks ago by saying she couldn't see anything wrong with it.
With college ending for the summer in a week we are faced with either our daughter staying over at his home (with people we don't know), having sex in his or her car or sneaking him into our house when we're not in, or letting him stay over at ours. Never thought I'd ever think this, but option 3 is actually starting to look the less awful. At least we'll know where she is and that she's safe, we'll be giving her the opportunity to be honest and up-front with us, and we will get to know this boy she loves a lot better. Mum is even less convinced than I am, and I'm not particularly happy about it, but the as far as sex goes, the genie is well and truly out the bottle.
I think you and your husband both to need to be in agreement about what is decided - it won't work if one of you is unhappy with it.

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happyAvocado · 01/07/2012 01:35

I would love to leave this conversation to her Dad but as he is not back until November and she moves in two weeks I guess it's down to me.

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mumnosbest · 01/07/2012 01:49

Thankfully these worries are a long way off for me but i do feel that telling her he cant stay over will not stop them and will encourage deceit and dishonesty. Maybe if you air your cocerns about your younger dcs and show her some trust she might respect your wishes.

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MammaTJ · 03/07/2012 19:04

I had these issues with my (now ex) StD. She was 17 and I had a 6 year old DD. She had been seeing this lad for 6 months. Asked if he could stay and I asked if I could have time to think about it.

I eventually told her he could stay BUT that if they broke up, there would be no way another lad could stay for a year! I did not want my DD thinking that that was ok.

She is now 28, living with a partner and two kids and DD is 17 and living with their Dad. DD now has a BF and tell me far too much .

She has said that her BF parents are away and she is telling her dad she is staying at mine a couple of nights. I told her I won't lie for her!!

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Nonio · 04/07/2012 17:30

Unfortunately happy avocado we have no contact. Since my post we have had a long chat about sleeping arrangements. I told her my feeling and she told me hers, we agreed that as we have never met him (she lives 300 miles away) it was not going to happen until we got to know him. It not a never but it does mean that in future we have a benchmark it work to.