teen girl - blimey. they dont tell you this when you are TTC do they....

[ThatVikRinA22]

i found out dd has been avoiding revision sessions at school for GCSE, she wants to go to college but if she carries on tossing it off she wont get the results she needs to do so.

i asked for her exam timetable which she threw at me saying it was none of my business
She then began to argue with me about revision
her attitude was pretty bad and she told me she hated me and that i am a crap mum before slamming the door and going to bed
i told her she was grounded this weekend but she clearly did not take any notice and has made plans
i have said its tough and she is going no where this weekend but she is insisting that she is and that nothing i say makes the blindest bit of difference

she has never really needed sanctions before but i felt this was a line she crossed and i felt a sanction was justified

so how the chuff do i make her stick to it? she is stubborn and likely to try to prove her point (that obviously being that i can say what i like but she isnt doing it....) and i think she will try to make a break for freedom tomorrow....

i will take the keys out of the door but i feel we may have a difficult day to come tomorrow.....

does this shitty teen girl phase get better?

she is 14, nearly 15, and is flexing her teenage muscles....but omg its wearing.

anyone survived a teenage girl and lived to tell the tale? please?

[akaemmafrost]

I don't have teenagers but I think I'd get ready for the fact that she is going to go out and you can't physically restrain her.

If it was me I'd spell out what would happen if she goes and I would remove things like lap top, mobile phone, pocket money etc and tell her this is what will happen and it's up to her. I'd make life as boring and crappy as possible but make sure she knows it's all in her own hands.

My parents came down on me like a ton of bricks, overreacted to everything and the result was I completely hated them for my entire teenage years and the relationship was not properly repaired until I was in my thirties. So we missed out on about 20 years, which I would find unbearable if it were my child.

[ThatVikRinA22]

i already said if she goes i will not be paying for her (expensive) hair cut or her new converse trainers.

she would need surgical removal from her Blackberry but i could restrict access to the lap top etc.

she is not normally like this....but i feel the need to stick to my word or my word in future will mean nothing.

[akaemmafrost]

Totally. Also in a very calm no nonsense way. No getting stressed. This is what will happen if you do this, then you will lose this, this and this. She might still go out of pure defiance and unwillingness to lose face but I should imagine she would think twice next time, once the sanctions have hit home. I know I would have responded much better to that than the hysteria and ott punishments my parents dished out.

Mind you I never would have gone out if they said not to, which is why their reactions were so ridiculous, the stuff I did was so minor.

[startail]

Talk to her calmly and ask if the revision sessions are actually useful.
Sometimes teachers just repeat things in the same way that confused you the first time.

Sitting down with a clearly written study aid may be more help.

Exams are stressful, unfortunately you are the nearest thing to swear at.
Modular exams are IMO a bad idea because they mean this stress is being spread over two years not 3 months. The temptation to slack off must be huge.

I'd be gentle, but firm with her and give her lots of space to talk.

[MumblingFanjoChops]

I second what Star has said, if she is already angry you need to try and calm her down because if you match her anger or shouting level it's harder for either one of you to back down. Just ask to talk to her and make time for her as she might not want to be fully open with you about what is going on. It's a really rubbish time going through exams and she needs to know that you are there for her, compromise with her about going out, e.g. if she goes out tomorrow she needs to do some home revision for the equal amount of hours or she needs to attend her classes that the school have set up for her. You CAN do this and you WILL both be able to sort this out. HTH :)

[Olympia2012]

14 doing gcse's? When does she leave?

[awbless]

mafrost and 2nd Coming are giving good advice. Don't take her on, just don't pay for the clothes, haircuts etc.. You will be the worst person in the world but she'll soon twig on. You are in charge and she has to learn that everything in life is earned - including the goodwill of parents funding your social life - not a divine right.

Save the arguments for the things that really matter.

Also she'll go to the revison classes if she needs to - if you make her who's to say she listen or do any work? My DS started to go to the revision classes when the penny dropped that they weren't offering them for the good of their health or to the ones that didn't need them!

[Hopefullyrecovering]

I don't know if what I do is right, because there aren't too many signs of it working, but FWIW, if I make a threat of a sanction, I INVARIABLY follow it through. My sanctions are various but include

1. Confiscation of phone
   
2. Confiscation of laptop
   
3. Suspension of allowance
   

They mostly work. Also there is a reward system for effort grades (not attainment because attainment should follow effort in any event and it's always better to reward hard work). An A* on the end of term report is £10, an A £5, a B nothing and a C minus £10. There is no agreement as to what would happen for a D or below (so far hypothetical) but DD understands that the penalty for a D is substantial.

[ThatVikRinA22]

we had a chat last night and she is so unhappy at school, she was awake until 1.30 this morning.

speaking to her, she has been a little pressure cooker waiting to blow - and i think that school are ignoring some issues that need to be looked at.

(her brother went right through that school without his dyslexia being spotted - he was dx at 16 and speaking with her last night i am starting to suspect she may have similar issues with the written word....)

i wish she would talk to me more though - she seems to find discussing anything acutely embarrassing no matter what it is - and she is feeling quite sensitive to the fact that she feels "thick" (her words) so when i talk about exams or revision she gets defensive.

at least i have a starting point now - though she hates me to get involved in any way (i think thats an age thing)

thanks all. She is still asleep at the moment - will see how she is today. I have told her whatever she is feeling it is no excuse to be vile to me, and if there are problems we need to tackle them.

[ragged]

MONEY. She can't do much without it.
Who pays for the Blackberry?

I would give up trying to micro-manage her timetable, but I'd also refuse to fund her skiving/leisure habits, if they mean she isn't attending the sessions.

[SecretSquirrels]

You haven't seen her exam timetable - GCSEs started last week.
If she is only 14 she would be in Year 9 or 10 is she doing them early?

[ThatVikRinA22]

she is doing some of them this year, some next and started some in year 9. she is currently in year 10. (and under far too much pressure imo)

i have her exam timetable now. (she threw it at me)

[SecretSquirrels]

I have boys so probably different. I thought that DS1 was mature at 14/15 but in fact there is a huge difference now that he is 16.

Early entry in exams is for the benefit of the school and not the child IMO. They can bank a few grade Cs and above and it doesn't matter about the pressure on kids who are not ready for GCSEs and could have got better grades with another year to study and mature.

[ThatVikRinA22]

i agree secret - i think for dd this is a very bad idea.

tsc - thanks for this - so it does get better then? your dd sounds like mine though i suspect mine is a little less academic - she doesnt seem to mind coming over a ditzy blonde airhead and it drives me insane.

she is up and now acting totally aloof and disinterested again, though interestingly, seems to have cancelled her plans for today so is taking the grounding seriously.

i have said we should get dressed and go walk the dog on the common - get some fresh air but of course that would melt her.....she used to love getting her wellies on and roughing it - but not now!

i just want my happy little girl back, not the stroppy stressed teen i seem to have her replaced with!

[YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag]

My dd is 14 and we are living through the same nightmare.

I have taken the blackberry away during study time, and also the laptop stays downstairs so I can see if she is actually working, rather than following random celebs on twitter which she spent the whole of last week doing, instead of revising for her end of year maths test.

We are lucky I suppose as it is not a GCSE year and maybe by putting phone/Internet restrictions in place now, it will become a habit so in yr 11 it won't be so hard?

Ok I know that's probably not true but please don't burst my bubble just yet :(

I too am the worst mother in the world for trying to get her to take her education seriously.
We have decided we will do something, once a week just the 2 of us away from home and the schoolwork saga so hopefully that will help.

I am praying the whole teenager thing will eventually pass and I will have 3 sensible happy adults at the end, it does get better, doesn't it?

[YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag]

We do the pen and paper thing as well maryz the thing is they seem to be so dependent on the Internet for research etc, I don't think she would know where to start if there was no computer?

Btw what is rescue remedy?

[YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag]

Ok, think I will buy some. Even if it doesnt actually do anything it may have a good psychological effect!

[ThatVikRinA22]

snap....i think i will get her some, i got some Kalms for myself but i think she is too young to take them....its just valarian - might be the same stuff?