shoplifting lying

[dominomum]

Hello. I'm new to this mumsnet but I am really struggling with my youngest daughter and could do with some advice. In 1 year my daughter has changed so much. I let her go on facebook as long as I knew her password. I check up from time to time and I just found out that she has been stealing from shops, has been lying to me and has given her friends alcohol from our cupboard.
I know she is not happy, Her big sis left for uni this year at the same time she started at secondary school. She is in a group of friends who are from well off families and seem like nice young ladies, yet the things they are beginning to get up to are really concerning. She is probably desperate to impress them.
If I told her I was reading her messages she would never trust me again, and I know I'm invading her privacy but its the only way I would have found out what she is up to, but I need to confront her on this and explain the consequences. Can anyone advise me??

[GnocchiNineDoors]

Starting secondary school = around 12yo yes? I think grounding would be a suitable punishment. If she can't be trusted in the shops, she shouldn't be allowed to go to them.

Lock away your booze.

The fact that her friends are from well-off families is irrelevant.

Also, she knows you have her password, therefore can't be too surprised that you are reading her messages, and I think the fact you read them is good as you have discovered that she is bvreaking the law and hanging around with an influential group. At the end of the day, at 12 yo, you really are allowed to be monitoring you DDs behaviour, especially as you can see she is mis-behaving. There is, of course, the possibility that she knows she is in a bad situation and she knows you have her password so is maybe waiting for you to rescue her from the situation?

[dexter73]

I would also have a word with the other parents. If they are drinking and shoplifting they need to find out before they get caught or something bad happens with the booze.

[DIYMum]

Difficult one but I would tell her that you have been checking her messages - let her know how concerned you are about ehr behavour and the possible consequences - put a stop on her facebook account (she is too young anyhow) and stop some priviledges - best she learns now than when the police bring her home one day.

[flow4]

I would be very careful about telling the other parents unless you already have friendships with them. I was in a similar situation 5 or 6 years ago (alcohol and bad behaviour, tho not shoplifting) and I did contact other parents. None of them really wanted to know. They were quite hostile, and one or two implied that my son had led their kids astray... I then discovered that they gossiped about my son without mentioning their own kids' involvement... And his reputation was damaged in a wider social group than just the families concerned.

[dominomum]

Thanks so much for all your comments. It really has helped me think this through. I have had a chat with my daughter not mentioning her Fb but the fact that I was suspicious about where she got money from for the latest top she bought, she denied it was stolen ranting "OMG you think I stole it dont you?" so I left that and just talked about stealing in general making sure she understands the consequences, criminal records, police school and her reputation etc. She admits she knows people who do steal. I asked about her friends and it seems they get way more pocket money than her (She has £10 a month), so we have agreed if she does various chores she can get a max of £5 a week. Hopefully this will help.
I agree with all your comments but dont think I'd talk to the other parents as I dont know any of them well yet, they are all new friends. As for FB yes she is too young, but 75% of her friends are on it so we agreed she could if I had her login details. However its very useful to have this insight into this new world she is now in.

[GnocchiNineDoors]

Your daughter stole a top from a shop. You know she stole it. You asked/implied and she lied about stealing it and you are doubling her pocket money?

[dominomum]

I dont know she stole it I only suspect it. (I cant actually believe it and she denies it ) So leaving that aside I am trying to work out why she feels she has to steal and I think its because she feels inadequate. Therefore I want to empower her by letting her EARN money for chores.

[GnocchiNineDoors]

I check up from time to time and I just found out that she has been stealing from shops, has been lying to me and has given her friends alcohol from our cupboard.

You said, as above, that she has been stealing from shops and from you.

I'm only ging off what you have told us.

[dominomum]

A friend Messaged her and talked about them stealing things on a shopping trip. The alcohol was less than half bottle of wine which I think they may have sampled.

[sashh]

£10 a month is not a lot of money.

She has fb, even though she is underage and you know about it, you are sending mixed messages, saying it's OK to break the rules when 75% of your friends are.

You need to tell her you ave been on FB - that is why you have the password isn't it? Does she know when she applies for uni or a job her facebook page will be scrutinised?