realy vile teenager - at wits end - help

[apieceofcake]

i am totally at wits end - dd is 16 and at college. she is skipping lessons. doing no revision. says she has no motivation. rooms a mess. spills into rest of house. rude. foul language. dishonest. never lives up to committments. says she wants to move out - i wish! no understanding of reality. incapable of managing any form of allowance and is foul with us when we don't bail her out and wants something else.

is pretty academically bright & could do well/go to good university / set herself up well for life but seems intent on throwing it all away for instant gratification - ie. hanging around town. ask her what she is thinking about for uni and she says she wants to go to cambridge because its the best......college admissions tutor i think set her straight but he "wasn't helpful"

everything is someone elses fault.....

she thinks we are really mean - we could afford to give her more £ but that is not the point!!!!

massive row this morning and she is staying at a friends tonight. I have got to the point where i don't really care.... and think she will just need to fail a few times to get some sense of perspective...

i don't even know what outcome i should be aiming for now - help ????!!

[Theas18]

Hmm. Agree she probably does need fail and find the consequences. I assume she's at college doing AS levels?

If you could afford to give her £ then what about paying her to go to college and get assignments in etc. Remember though, if she's "earning" there are bills to pay so you might want to deduct rent/food/bills as you would if she chucked it all in and went to stack shelves in tesco?

My kids are motivated grafters which is lovely but I have explained that we are "keeping" them in order for them to study.

How about a bit of motivation/aspirational stuff. Why should she not go to cambridge? Isn't she capable or just cos she doesn't work? How about an open day in her chosen subject? Dangle the carrot in front of her nose. Other unis have open days too.

[Brightspark1]

Performance related allowance sounds a good idea, why should she expect money when she is not working, keeping room tidy, being disrespectful etc?
If she isn't studying, then I'm afraid you have to step back , take a deep breath and let her fail/ not do as well as she could. It may be the wake up call she needs to realise that she needs to work for what she wants in life.

[Bonsoir]

She's let herself go and she cannot muster the energy/motivation to pick herself up again. This happens to some teenagers. If it were my teenager, I would be (a) cleaning her room, tidying her stuff and generally caring for her physical needs as if she were a much younger child, just to ensure that she lives in a reasonably civilised and comfortable way (b) focusing on ensuring she puts her mind and energies towards her current and future studies.

She might be very bored. Lots of teenagers are.

[notnowImreading]

Boarding school!?

[notnowImreading]

Sorry, was being a silly cow.

[crypes]

Yep agree with BONSOIR, ive been in your situation with my teenager and i know what your going through. Its highly tricky because its an explosive situation whatever you do. You dont want her running away but you need to read her the riot act kind of thing. You need to think of a motivational talk, pep her up abit. Dont forget shes still only 16 and shes still under your authority and care.If shes been spoilt pull in the reins abit. She might like the extra attention.

[Rezolution]

notnowimreading Sounds good to me! Boarding school would give her a reality check and she might even get some good A Levels!

[ImperialBlether]

I agree that if you could afford boarding school it might help get her back into shape now.

It's ridiculous that she's making all these demands now yet making no effort herself.

Does she really think Cambridge undergraduates spend their A level years like that? If so, what's she basing it on?

Is she wanting to go to Cambridge to show people what she's worth? What does she think of students who go to other universities?

[ImperialBlether]

Here you go.

Maybe leave the link open on your laptop? Oh but close this one!

[1950sHousewife]

I feel for you. I don't think bad parents make these kinds of teenagers, I think peer groups and personality have so much sway, more than we would like to think.
I was a fairly awful teen, the only difference being is I worked hard at school and then was a rebel out of it. I have no idea what my parents could have done to stop it.
I think you need to let her fail now. And tell her you're going to do so. She doesn't have to be at school legally, so it is totally her choice. But I would only be 'funding' her on progress at school and keeping to basic house rules on cleanliness and coming in at decent hours, not drunk as a skunk.
It's hearing this kind of thing that has made the decision for me to send our dd one day to a local school that has the capacity for boarding, even though we'll have to live on own-brand beans for years. She is lovely, but already quite wilful at 8YO and I don't think we are going to have an easy ride either. I just don't think i want the battles one day.

Hope all goes well. She'll be ok in the end, and remember, there are always retakes. Some of my best friends did spectacularly well in life who pissed around in their 6th form.

[Mutteroo]

I feel for you OP and hope what I'm going to say is helpful.

My daughter has been like this since she was 14. She's nearly 19 now and currently packing a suitcase and will be staying elsewhere tonight. About 3 months ago we had a huge row and I asked her to leave then. She was away from home for 8 days staying with a variety of friends. She wanted to come home, but we knew we all needed time and space to think things through. Eventually after 2 marathon talking sessions, we agreed to allow her home as long as she respected our rules. These were and always have been very simple; respect yourself and everyone around you. Do not abuse trust, dont steal money or items. Keep bedrooms relatively tidy and do not allow any overspill into other rooms. When asked to do a task, do it without complaining. Lastly absolutely no alcohol allowed in bedrooms and no food. We've had mice before and do not fancy them again - drunk mice are even worse! (Sorry comedy is getting me through right now.)

Lots more info to this story which I'm happy to talk about in private, but as im not here to offload, I'll not go on further. What I'd offer to you is to keep communicating and keep telling your child you love them even if at this time you don't like the much! Many parents go through hell during their children's teenage years. It's likely to be them finding their place in life and nothing more than this, however if you have deeper concerns, seek help from your GP. We've had CAMHS support in the past and I strongly suspect my daughter has a personality disorder. I could be very wrong and do not wish to label her, so it's a real tough call. I would love to resolve what on earth is going on with her and if there's any changes I could make to improve things then I would absolutely jump at this. But back to you (im terrible at rambling off On a tangent). I'd also suggest you find at least one supportive friend. I guarantee you are not the only one suffering teenage torment (sadly). Feel free to talk privately if you need a confidente and try and stay strong. I think where I went wrong was by allowing my daughter to break the rules without proper consequences for her actions. DH and I have resolved to stay strong since accepting our daughter home and refused to let her sleep in her room until she tidied it. She slept downstairs on the sofa (then floor) for 8 weeks and 6 days - now that's either stubbornnes, laziness or stupidity! It's been hellish for a few weeks now and today it's kicked off again when I discovered she had stolen from me yet again. Other than contact the police, I'm not sure what to do? Hey ho, it least it'll be quiet tonight without her music blasting through the walls.

Good luck and remember you are not alone.

[sussexmum]

Umm don't think boarding school is the panacea some think it is. Spoke to a young friend (26) who told me she told her school she was going home for the weekend told her parents she was staying ast school and went in to the woods for 24 hour raves. Quite a good school too. However she is now, a happy successful woman so there is hope.

[Yeehahcowgirl]

Hi Mumsnet, have joined five minutes ago as I am at my wits end with my 16yr old daughter. Straightaway I stumbled upon your post and met my doppelganger.

My daughter is so out of control. Exams start next week, no revision done, skipping school, rude, obnoxious, demanding (money, lifts etc), twists EVERYTHING you say to her, incapable of a civil conversation, stays out at weekends, risky behaviours, smokes blatantly, drinks, drugs - not sure but I know her peers do, refuses meals then stuffs herself with rubbish, having unprotected sex (implant but admits to not using condoms). It is at the stage where I am emotionally shutting down because of the anxiety. I can't sleep if she's not home as I don't know where she is as she lies so much, I think she thinks, it's the truth!!! :(

[Bumblefeet]

Sounds like my daughter!
Doesn't realised she's moved out yet, but she's been vanished for 2 weeks, her bags are now packed...

[nosenose]

Sounds exactly like my daughter - very very upsetting and ruining her siblings lives

[barbarianoftheuniverse]

Got one of those!
No advice, just sympathy.

Mine was gorgeous for the first twelve years. Born happy....

[fjane37]

Just seen this, as have had a meltdown with my own DD and was looking for someone to discuss it with. @apieceofcake and @Mutteroo, I'm up for discussing further in private! My DD's profile seems fairly typical: lovely until 13, all downhill since then. Now 18, worse than ever. Here are some of the things that anyone with a girl going through this needs to check out:

• Do they have a learning disability? You might dismiss this out of hand ? DON'T. All through primary school and the first year of secondary, teachers were full of praise, never once raised the possibilty of this. In year 8 came the first inklings that something was up, but nothing dramatic; in hindsight we can now see that there was more to this than met the eye. She moved schools for year 9. Only then, in the 2nd term, did we feel the need to have her assessed by an Ed. Psych., because even though she liked the school, things were grinding to a halt. It turns out she's borderline dyspraxic ? has difficulty grasping and acting on instructions, even though she scores highly on cognitive ability. It is very common for such disabilities only to come to light in girls at puberty. Once you know if this is the case, there are ways of dealing with it;
  

? Hormonal imbalances. My DD went on the pill last year, and she calmed down quite a bit: for 3 months, we had no tantrums. Now she's come off it and is hell to live with again. Claims she can't deal with having to remember to take a pill. I have suggested the implant, but at the mo she's resisting even that. Through tests we discovered she has polycystic ovaries, so her periods are very irregular and painful;

? Cyber-bullying: I swear I'd have been a nervous wreck if we'd had the Internet when I was a teen. A hell of a lot goes on that they just won't share with parents, because they're ashamed, or they think it's futile, or because they think you'll ban them from going online. Of course real-life bullying is a problem too: it's just that Facebook etc add another dimension to it: there's no escape. Even if they're not actually being bullied, being confronted with other people's academic success when you know you're failing, for example, can be utterly crushing. Once on a downward track, they often see it as impossible to catch up, and become completely demotivated. Self-hatred then leads to lashing out at your nearest and dearest, self-medicating with alcohol and/or drugs...total vicious circle, that needs to be broken. As others have wisely said, being judgmental isn't helpful: being loving, consistent and supportive is. Let them know that it's OK to temporarily close down their FB page, for example: that they may just find it a massive relief. Suggest trying it just for one day, even, or a week, just to see how it feels.

I am convinced my own DD needs psychiatric help, but having attended sessions for a few weeks, she is now refusing to go again. I believe she would also benefit from medication: her tantrums are scary. DH and I have firmly told her that a condition of remaining under our roof is that she have therapy; now that she's taking issue with that again, she's threatening us with the prospect of her living on the streets and becoming a crack whore, so basically trying to scare us into giving in.

[flow4]

I have put a LOT of energy over the years into trying to understand why my son behaves so badly... In the end, I think the reasons don't matter, at least not in about 90% of cases: there isn't any 'specialist' support for most families, and as a parent you just have to work out how you're going to deal with the sh*t and survive

[fjane37]

@flow4, I completely disagree with that statement. That is like saying that 90% of people having relationship problems would not benefit from psychotherapy: I would suggest it's more like 90% that would. And by the way, by 'psychotherapy' I'm not just talking about one-to-one talking therapy, I'm talking about group therapy, CBT...the whole gamut. I know that my own DD's behaviour goes beyond the range of 'typical' adolescent dysfunction: someone who cannot sleep/work/concentrate and who has explosive tantrums NEEDS HELP. She is not fully functional. The point of my last message was to try to help some of the other correspondents here to benefit from the insights I have gained, because it is possible that their DDs are affected by one or more of these issues, and there IS help out there. To dismiss all of that out of hand really isn't helpful.