What would you about DSD and hygiene issues?

[Nickname100]

I'm a regular but have name changed because I never talk about family on here.

DH and I are having an issue with DSD and would benefit from some different perspectives.

She's 16, lives with us full-time. Doesn't have a great relationship with her mother, visits her only when she feels she really has to even though she's about 2 minutes walk away.

She has real hygiene issues and we're at a loss as to how to deal with it anymore. Her room is a tip, which I know is par for the course with a teenager, but the real issue is cleanliness. All her clothes are thrown on the floor, clean mixed with dirty (which really pisses me off when I've cleaned and ironed them). She hardly ever puts washing to be cleaned, which means that her clothes smell (and hence she smells at times). I don't know how many times I have discussed with her the need to put dirty clothes straight in the wash basket when you take them off, it just isn't happening. Rubbish never gets taken out of her room (including sanitary towels). It absolutely stinks in there and I do not exaggerate when I say you cannot see the carpet.

About 4 months ago I decided to take the bull by the horns and I started going in her room each morning to remove clothes that needed to be washed and to take out the rubbish and mouldy cups/plates. She had a melt down about me going in her room, so DH and I backed off and said we would stop doing it if she took responsibility for her own washing.

Guess what, 3 months on and we're back where we were.

What would you do? She doesn't get shamed into keeping it straight by her friends because she never invites any over, they always go out. No boyfriend and no signs of being interested. She doesn't seem to be concerned that people might be judging her because she's a bit whiffy at times. Should we take control again? I just don't want her to be the smelly kid because teenagers can be so cruel.

Going out now for a few hours, will check in again when I get back.

[Teeb]

Hmm, I'm not sure if tough love might be the way to go with this.

In general, how is she in herself? Does she get plenty of sleep? I think that could be influencing her grumpiness (apart from general teen hormones.)

I can understand her not wanting others in her personal space, I wouldn't like it, but she needs to have basic practices in place such as taking all dirty dishes down every day and putting dirty clothes in the laundry bin.

[ragged]

My parents pressured me to get a boyfriend when I was 16. I really hated that. They seemed to take my (apparent) lack of interest personally (sigh). Like I really wanted to share those feelings with them.

I would let her be as she is & only deal with things (only clear up her mess) likely to attract vermin or become a communicable disease health hazard. I would NOT iron any of her clothes. If it stinks outside her room I would insist on entering to open her windows she she's out. & maybe spray Febreze around at my discretion.

I would be loathe to buy her any clothes, though, never ever, if she didn't bother to tidy up what she has. She can't really know what clothes she has, can she? I DO have this problem with DD, btw: "I don't have any X!" she wails, followed by me pulling out 5+ examples of X in the mixed piles on floor (sigh).

[ragged]

*WHEN she's out.

[ripsishere]

Could she be depressed?

[stinkymice]

sound like me when I was a teen. Normal? Does she have other chores around the house? Hovering living room? Cleaning bathroom? Perhaps if she had other cleaning jobs to do the feeling of satisfaction of a job well done might rub off into her bedroom?
Otherwise... no pocket money until room tidy? Pay her to tidy room?

[UTR]

I haven't had this problem - my two are at the very other end of the scale but I feel that it must be about more than just the domestic stuff.

My gut instinct here is that she may be sad. I don't know why, maybe it's hard for her that she doesn't have a great relationship with her mother. If she doesn't feel good about herself then she perhaps doesn't feel like bother to take much care with clothes and her environment?

We all know how gaggles of teenagers can be - there is a culture of girls being valued (by both sexes) for their looks and strict adherance to whatever the appearance culture is in their particular set. Being smelly may mark her out as different and "weird" and I'd be concerned about this although you say she goes out with friends so she does have friends, which is great.

Could you sit down and tell her straight but kindly that the state of her room is not acceptable and that you want to make a date with her to go through it with her and get it sorted out. Offer to sort her out with storage, sets of baskets, her own laundry bin for her room etc and whatever she needs to get her stuff in some sort of order and to help her go through it all then offer to increase her allowance but the deal is that she only gets paid (once a week, for example, on a Saturday morning) when her rooms has had a straighten up eg change the bed, empty the waste-paper basket, bring dirty clothes from her laundry basket down to the machine, generally tidy up and hoover the floor.

Sorry you're having this problem. Good luck.

[Nickname100]

Thanks for all your thoughts, much appreciated.

I do think she probably has self-esteem issues, but then which teenage girl doesn't. I don't think her relationship with her mother helps.

Those of you advocating tough love - would you tell her she smells? In the past when we've talked to her about this we've said "if you don't keep your clothes clean then you will start to smell", but she ever doesn't notice or doesn't care.

I've sorted her room with her on numerous occasions, explaining what needs to be done, but it always degenerates quickly afterwards. She obviously doesn't consider it important. I can live with a messy room but I worry about her being unclean.

She does get pocket money but she wouldn't miss it as she has a Saturday job that pays far more. She doesn't have any other chores. She did have minor chores like emptying the recycling bin but then never got done and in the end I decided it was less stressful to just do it myself rather than constantly nag her.

God help her when she leaves home. I might warn environmental health.

[piprabbit]

Make it her responsibility to launder her own clothes - she will get bored of wearing smelly, dirty clothes. Make sure you teach her how to use the washing machine and iron, then leave her too it.

You could watch this video called 'smelly bedrooms' by the magnificent parentchannel.tv.

[Annunziata]

TBH she probably already knows she smells :( She does sound depressed to me.

If it were me I would gut her room until it was spotless, wash everything and them sit down with her and tell her if she doesn't keep the room clean then the Internet will be switched off/ phone taken away etc. Maybe it's best if your DH does it. Does she know how to use the washing machine? Ask her if she wants anything done every Saturday morning if you have to, if she says no wade in, retrieve dirty items and answer rage with a cheerful 'it's my house and my floor and I won't have it looking like this.'

[EssentialFattyAcid]

I think get your dh to tell her that her room is dirty and smells and that this is unacceptable - and preferably he needs to take all the action here and not you. If she smells then your dh should tell her straight, and mention that her friends and boss can't be too impressed.

Ask her to sort it out on Saturday and if it isn't done on Sunday say you will do it for her and anything unwashed or not put away will get thrown away.

Once she has sorted it out get her to do the same thing every Saturday so it never gets out of control. Let her do her own ironing so you don't feel fed up if stuff gets crumpled.

Does your dh spend regular one on one time with his dd? I can imagine that psychologically to be distanced from your mum at this age is quite devastating. I would be wanting a dd of this age to cook for the family once a week to build up her skills and contribute to family life - could she do this with her dad?

[Slambang]

The way I cope with this with my smelly teen boys is to give a timed warning.

E.g. Your room is a tip and it smells. You have until 5pm today to put all the dirty clothes in the wash and clean it yourself or I am going in.

Then - (about 2 hours before time's up) you start eliminating alternative options.

E.g. After you get home from school this afternoon you are not allowed on the Xbox/TV/out with your friends/ Facebook until you have done your jobs.

Then - about 2 minutes before the deadline you put on your rubber gloves and gas mask and make it clear in a happy way that you are off to clean up the room.

Usually you will find that she will fly up the stairs and say that she's doing it herself.

[EssentialFattyAcid]

"in a happy way" - slambang how nice you are, and you make it sound pointless to get cross and irritable about it

[ragged]

I don't see how you can go down the clean-or-punishment road if you don't get your DH 100% on board with the strategy & clearly laid out consequences. Also be prepared for a long siege quiet but firm battle mentality, & if you're choosing this battle you may not have energy for others.