Out of control 14 year old, with no where to go, advice needed.

[Missjt]

Hi,
This is a bit of an unusual subject, my son does not live with me, he lives with his other parent, please don't judge me as I'm a Mum, it's not always Dad's.
A brief overview is that I was not in my son's life for a very long time due to very difficult circumstances.
I recently started a relationship with my son, I didn't expect it to be easy, and it hasn't been.
That aside my son's behaviour has been getting increasingly worse to the point he has been expelled, arrested, been violent towards his father, other children, has been stealing, committing other crime and now has been thrown out of home by Dad. Paternal Grandparents won't help, and because I live in a house share and have lack of resources I can not immediately take him.
I would like to take him in the long term, but fear I can not do it with out the support of social services due to the number of issues he has, and the lack of support I have.
Before you judge there are a lot of complicating matters, to do with my son and myself that are not too straight forward. It is not a case that I dumped him on his Dad because I didn't want to be a Mum, I was a young teen with no family from care, and had a nervous breakdown.
Events that followed meant my son's Dad made it impossible for me to see him for 8 years.
I have no family, a limited network and don't know what to do.
My son is currently staying with a friend, I don't know who they are or what he is doing.
What I do know is that he is a serious risk to himself and others, Social Services are not being very helpful, and I don't know where else to turn for advice.
Any advice on what I can do to help would be appreciated.
Currently waiting for a social worker to speak to Dad to re-confirm that he is not willing to care for our son, I don't know what to do and am at my wits end.
Dad doesn't speak to me, only through email.
Once again, and helpful advice would much be appreciated.

[lazymum99]

Sorry, I have not got any experience on this but did not want to see your post unanswered. This should bump it up the list.

[Missjt]

Thank you, a response no matter if you can't offer advise, but can help in terms of bumping me up the list is still appreciated.

[Coops79]

Hi Missjt; that sounds like a really tricky situation. How long is the friend able to house your son? Do you know this friend at all? Are you talking with your son or indeed your son's school? I would suggest that the first step is to get talking to all the interested parties, starting with your son. From there, establish contact with the school (I'm presuming he's school age?) who may be able to support you in your dealings with social services (some schools are more helpful than others in these sorts of circumstances). Ultimately it may be that your son doesn't want your intervention (my apologies if that sounds harsh, it's not meant unkindly) in which case, if he's a teenager there may not be an awful lot you can do.

I hope something in there helps. Best of luck.

[Missjt]

I have very little knowledge of his day to day life, I don't know the friend either.
I don't have a relationship with the school as Dad actually works there and as I'm not the responsible parent with out Dads permission they won't talk to, me.
As he was arrested at the weekend and bailed it looks like he won't even be able to return to the school as his relationship with his Dad has totally broken down.
I have spoken to various duty social workers to try and resolve the short term situation of finding him safe accommodation, and they don't seem to think it's a good enough reason to intervene.
Even though my son refuses to go home, and Dad refuses to have him. In addition to this Dad's current partner has made serious allegations about my sons behaviour towards their young baby.
I asked SS to at least visit him to make sure where he is is suitable.
Spoke to my son today and he insists he doesn't need help.
I really want to help but need the help to try and make a longer term solution work.
SS don't seem to think setting fire to things, violence, drugs, blackmail, possession of a imitation fire arm, stealing, running away constitute as a good enough case to help.
It's very hard to accept I may not be able to help, but o at least need to know my son is safe as he is a serious risk to himself and others.
Can't believe SS would allow a 14 year old to effectively be homeless.

[Missjt]

Ps Coops79 your advice is very much appreciated, I will see if the school will at least talk to me to try and find out more information.

[Coops79]

Best of luck Missjt. Sounds horribly horribly complicated. Just a thought, if your son has a criminal record does he have other agencies involved with him? There are various groups that are supposed to intervene with young offenders and who also might be able to help deal with SS. Also, if your son is kicked out of school, perhaps the next one he goes to will be more forthcoming?

Final thought, if there are current accusations against your son, has he been charged and if so, has he got any legal representation? Sorry to bombard you with more questions, but my thinking is that there must be an agency involved SOMEWHERE along the way who might be able to help. Once again, best of luck.

[Missjt]

It is very complicated and bound to become more so. He does now have a criminal record but we don't yet know what the outcome of the recent charges will be, not until it has been processed through the various channels.
He doesn't yet have legal representation, he's not been charged regarding these allegations as the information has been reported to SS and has potentially serious consequences.
It's currently with SS to resolve the immediate issue of him having no where to go. I believe the police wrote a report recommending youth offenders but it hasn't yet been actioned.
I called the police myself but they wouldn't discuss any detail with me due to data protection and not being the responsible parent.
Ultimately surely SS can't leave him homeless, not with the risks attached to himself and others.
I will just keep pestering them, I just can't believe no one is willing to help!
Thank you once again!!

[mumsneedwine]

Hi. I work with kids like your son & just wanted to offer a hug and say you are helping him just by trying to be on his side. First thing I would suggest is trying to convince his dad to give you parental responsibility too, so then school & agencies will speak to you. The police can offer fantastic support and should offer him some practical activities, although he may not take them. Keep on at SS - do not let then fob you off. He should have a dedicated social worker and should not be with an unvetted adult, so point out to them he is at risk. It's tough trying to make the system work but you are doing the right things - make sure he knows you are there, love him and want to help. Don't force it but keep consistent, and regular texts/calls are great - don't judge or scold for now, don't condone his actions, but be supportive and his friend. He is going to be feeling v rejected (in his mind everyone is against him) & knowing you are on his side might help. Sorry bit rushed but going into meeting & didn't want to leave unanswered. I'll pop back later when finish work.

[Missjt]

Thank you mumsneedwine, glad to know I'm at least no matter how small am doing the right things.
I don't think it would take much convincing for Dad to give me parental responsibility, as he has totally washed his hands if our son.
The SS are willing to talk to me, they just aren't listening. I explained I can't take my son today as I live in a shared house, over a 100 miles away, but am not willing to leave him unattend whilst I go to work. He could go anywhere or do anything, and he has a habit of going missing. It petrifies me that if I bring him to London with out a proper plan of support the situation would fail.
I've tried explaining this, I'm trying ti br helpful but am not being given any choice or practical advice.
We can't just stick plasters over the situation and not fix the cause and this is what SS are trying to do.
Will call them again, thank you for making a really valid point that he is at risk as he's not with an approved adult, although I did ask if they had even phoned my sons friends mother to check they were ok with him staying there.
They haven't even done that. Thank you so much again, I really appreciate it! I dont have any family, so your response is so valued!!
Thank you again for caring enough to take the time check on me.

[mumsneedwine]

Just a quick note before I head home. Ask SS for his care plan - he is a minor not living with a parent so he needs one. It is obviously impractical for you to have him in your current home, so, if you feel up to it, ask for council accommodation for you both. As he is technically homeless they might (& should) give you priority. Does depend on what's available I'm afraid. It's not going to be easy, and he is going to make you feel horrid for a while, but if you are strong enough then SS should help you live with him. If he stays in current area they will need to find him a foster home immediately. He will be at school during day so shouldn't need care, but SS can sort this too if needed. A fresh start might be what he needs. I'm off now but keep us posted and keep trying - he will know one day that you have done all you can to help him and this counts for a lot. SS are over worked and night need a bit of a push (shove) to get them moving. Sleep well.

[Missjt]

I can save for accommodation, I just need some time.
And your right about feeling horrid, but you have inspired me to keep pushing.
I will be strong enough, I don't know how, but I don't want him to be a casualty of the system like I was.
I want him to have a fresh start, lord knows it's what he needs, but I do need that help.
Than you so much for letting me know there are people like you who though even do your day job do that bit more.Sitting here crying right now, but also feeling a little warmer in my heart through your kind and practical words.
Thank you so much and will continue to push/shove.
Will sleep a little better knowing there are people like you out there bringing a little light.

[Leithlurker]

Firstly I want to say that this situation must be very difficult for you to bare emotionally, knowing your son needs someone to be on his side and you being prevented from taking on that role must be very distressing.

So I am about to put forward an alternative way of thinking about this but it is not meant to diminish you or your desire to be in your son's life.

You have said that the dad has washed his hands of your son, and also that some pretty serious allegations have been made against him. My starting point would be to contact the father and offer to work alongside him to bring about some kind of stability for your son. It is clear a long history is involved here and I would think that any parent may well have reached breaking point if their child had gone so seriously off the rails. I think it unrealistic to think that you could step in and take over with out first addressing the underlying problems and that is a whole family project not just you and your son.

It must also be considered what if any effect your new contact with your son has had on him in that it may have added to his unstable emotional and mental state.

Lastly if you have the end objective of getting your ex to give to shared responsibility or even full responsibility it would be an advantage to be working with him rather than trying to wrestle something out of him, even if he has now no interst in the boy he may not be willing just to hand him over to you. So it might be worthwhile showing him that it would be in his interst to hand some responsibility to you.

[JosieGlow]

Dear Missjt, I don't know anything about SS and the system, but it is wonderful to read about how you want to love and care for your boy. If you can let him know that your love is unconditional and that you will always be there for him you could be just what he needs right now. Check out the internet for tips on communicating with teens so that you avoid putting up roadblocks, cannot recommend any websites off the top of my head but can explore if necessary. Just wanted to say he's a lucky boy to have a Mum who loves him despite everything, it's just a shame he cannot read your post.

[Missjt]

Hi JosieGlow, thank you so much for your kind words, and for the internet tips on communication. One thing I am learning very quickly is that it isn't easy to communicate with teenagers, especially ones that are troubled and don't want to talk. At least it's a good thing that my son is talking to me :)

[Missjt]

Hi Leithluker,
It is difficult to bare emotionally, but no where near as hard as it is for my son.
It's just so frustrating that I can't do anything today, that isn't to say I can't in the future. Will definately take your advice about having a discussion about shared responsibility.
I also agree that this is a whole family project, but I can't see how Dad will be involved in the longer term, unless there is some significant change from our son.
I accept at the moment all I can do is be there and keep talking to the relevant people.
Thank you once again!

[gettingsorted]

Just wanted to add some supportive words here - it's never too late to try to rebuild a relationship - this is probably the hardest time in his life, but later he will at least look back and know you didn't abandon him. On a practical level, find out if there are any charities in your town offering family/teenage counselling. Sometimes the YMCA or similar organisations offer it. You might not get him there but they may offer you some support whilst you try.
I do feel for you, and you need some help to see the way forward and not get over whelmed with the emotion of it all.

[Missjt]

Dear gettingsorted, thank you for your supportive words, and I realise just how important it is to try, so he can't say I abandoned him, (again).
I will see what is offered locally, the challenge at the moment, is that he is in Kent and I am in London, so a bit of a logistical nightmare to get him here, but may be I can see what if anything there is in the local area.
Once again, thank you, supportive words are making this just a bit easier!

[oldqueenie]

i havent read every post but wanted to say that legally, as his mum, you have parental responsibility for your son (shared with his dad) unless your son has been adopted by dad and stepmum... so there is no legal reason school and other agencies shouldn't be speaking with you. hope that helps.

[Missjt]

Oldqueenie thank you, as an update and having made a lot of noise this week, SS are willing to facilitate a conversation with Dad, Me, Grandparents to see if we can come up with a care plan to start to address our son's issue's.
I know it is going to be tough, but so glad I was persistent, I finally feel like I have a voice.
Thank you everyone for your support this week, it really has made it a little easier.

[Coops79]

Missjt well done - bloodymindness and persistence will win the day! Hope the conversations go well. Do keep us informed. :-)

[Missjt]

Coops79 - So had the meeting to try to reach an agreement about B going home, and he refused point blank. We all tried to get him to agree to a few basic rules, which he won't. Dad is a totally broken man and seems to have given up, and as I can't have him immediately it looks like he will be taken into care today.
It's so sad, as care is likely to fail him, that is what the SS say any way, and I don't know how much they are going to work with me, any advice on how we move things forward, before my son becomes lost in the system.

[WelshCerys]

Think of your achievements - coming on here and writing lucidly and lovingly about your son. In spite of your very difficult circumstances and background to this story. Others here are so right - your son will forever remember your standing by him in what must for him be a very confusing time in his life. He is very young. You've also got the SS to sit with you, ex, grandparents (your son too?) and talk - it's all a start.

I am baffled - and very angry - to think that you haven't had the support and practical help you deserve up until now from the agency that is there is protect children and support families. Did you ever consider writing a note or email to one of the managers? That, even now, might get things moving.

Don't worry too much about the care thing - it is far better than homelessness or moving between uncertain addresses, such as your 'broken' dh's. This could be the start of something, especially if you can work with the foster carers. Tell SS that this is what you expect to do - to keep the conversations going. Would you feel/be safe if your son lived with you? If you felt you could take that risk, what could you do to get a home for the two of you?

It's certainly not to late to build a relationship with your son - and teenagers are as much in need of parent's love and support as younger children. He knows he's got this and, believe me, this is going to be a source of much comfort to him. And he'll need that in the days ahead.

Keep in touch here -

[mumsneedwine]

So sorry not been back but have had a manic week of work. I am so glad SS have met with you - does your son now have a named social worker ? If so, get their email and be on their case daily, even if its just to check your son is at school. Don't think that a foster home is a bad thing - he should be placed with very experienced adults who are used to dealing with troubled teenagers. Some of these foster parents are miracle workers and deserve medals. You have done a brilliant job & I hope with the Foster families help, you can build a good relationship with your son. I have seen many very troubled and angry teenagers come out of the care system as wonderful adults - its not all doom and gloom. Be strong and well done !!

[Missjt]

Hi WelshCerys, I did manage to get my son to attend yes, it was a very difficult experience for him. I can't imagine what it is like to be in a room full of people feeling rejected and hearing nothing but negative things. The thing that strikes me most about my son, is his inability to articulate himself. I don't think he is just being bloodyminded about not wanting to go home. The reasons he says he doesn't want to go home is because he says he feels bad about the stress he causes on Dad (he's got various ailments) and on the new partner/baby (she is scared of him). My son really needs help to want to be interested in life, he seems to have a very low self esteem, my friend I took with me spoke to him seperately, and asked my son how he felt about the process and my son said he didn't care. It is heart breaking to think any young person doesn't care about themselves enough or at all. And that is the challenge here is getting our son the help he needs to want to live a happy life. Sorry to be long winded, but at the moment, I don't feel like I would be safe around him, at the same time I believe he deserves a chance, he has never assaulted me, but he has his Dad. In terms of getting a home for the two of us, I can save the money as I am working, but I want to be confident I can do justice to his developement/keep him safe, and not be back in the same position in 2 weeks because we haven't addressed the long list of issues my son has. I also need help I think to be a parent I know I can be. SS can't just stick a plaster on this, and hope it mends my son's anger and other issues. It's not just about making sure he is fed, sheltered and warm, it is also I believe about giving him something to work for that is attractive enough for him to want to be a part of a family that love him, what ever our differences. Thank you so much, I will be writing that note today, and just keep on people's cases. I really appreaciate what SS do, and know there are just as many children in need, but better to invest now rather than when it is too late, and I don't believe it is too late.

[Missjt]

Hi Mumsneedwine, no need to apologise! My son does now have a named social worker, which is great!! The only reason I think that foster care is bad, is because the SS kept saying it's likely to fail, as in cases like this foster carers can normally do no better than family. But we wouldn't be talking to SS if we could do better or effect enough change in our son. Everyone cares about him, he just doesn't seem to care about himself. I just hope he knows that even though I can't practically help him today, I am on his side and am very much willing to work towards it. He seems to understand what I have explained but I'm not really sure if he does. Sounds like he is at least going to get the very specialist help he needs and deserves. Thank you again, will keep you updated!!