"Getting it right" for the future? Setting boundaries etc

[Peggydoll]

Hello,

This is my first post here and I apologise for the naïveté of this question, but I'd appreciate advice and ideas from those of you with more experience of teenagers.

DS is 14.5 (and well into puberty) and so far I feel we've had a smooth ride; not totally bump free but nothing we haven't dealt with to our satisfaction as it's arisen. I consider him to be (reasonably) responsible and trustworthy for his age and stage, but I'm well aware (and a little alarmed) that all this may change in future, although of course I'm hoping for plain sailing....

So far he's not been very adventurous socially (he goes to a Boys' grammar, so girls haven't been an issue yet) and has tended to meet up with friends whose parents I know quite well ie I've been able to keep tabs on what he's up to especially as (geographically) they've often needed parental transport. However, he's now spreading his wings and making independent arrangements with other friends and I'm pleased about this, but it has raised the need for us to review our ground rules about keeping in touch, home-times etc. with the hopeful aim that it will stand us in good stead when he starts going out in the evenings/ seeing girls etc

So my very naive question is to ask what approaches you have taken: what your rules were, how you enforced them, any sanctions, did it work long term etc. I appreciate it's an "every case is different" thing, and that like all stages of parenting just when you think you've got it sussed everything changes!! (I'm really hoping that by the time we get to DD2 we will have it "sussed" cos she's a real challenge even aged 5! but I won't hold my breath)

Thank you in advance!

[HangingGarden]

You know what your expectations are likely to be so discuss them with him and find out if his are so very different.
Agree rules between you, that makes life a whole lot easier! (And an early start on that never hurts either as 'changes' need to be negotiated )

[gettingsorted]

I can relate to this as my DS changed schools in year 8 to a school in the next town, so I didn't know any of the parents of the boys he started hanging around with. It's hard to specific with what time he should be home, but at 16 I say 10pm is the limit, so at 14 it would be earlier. (mine didn't go out at night at 14)
I insist on him texting me regularly or at least responding to my regular requests for updates on whereabouts etc.
Looking back, the priority should have been for me to contact the other parents, as they all have the same concerns! (now I know them) We were all kept in the dark, all feeling helpless and at the mercy of DSs saying "so and so's mum lets him do this" !

[BackforGood]

I agree with Hanging - ask them, what they think is reasonable. Partly because they are actually a lot more sensible than we give them them credit for, and partly because it gives them some control.
I've never been one for saying "you have to be in at x o'clock" as sometimes things go on later, or something 'comes up' - they need to be trusted to have some maturity, and to be able to talk reasonably with you if you think they've over stepped the mark.
I loved 'How to Talk so Teenagers Will Listen, and Listen So Teenagers Will Talk' (and I'm not a person for reading parenting guides, generally).
These days, with mobile phones, it's not hard to find them if you are getting worried (get a few of their friends numbers in your phone too) so it's that bit easier to let go,I think than it was for our parents.

[Peggydoll]

Thank you all for your replies! You've already reassured me: I have already asked for his ideas about agreeing rules and explained why I feel the need, and I'd forgotten the "how to talk" series (I don't Do guides either but have all of these!) so I'll re-read it. I sort of want to be flexible and allow him a sense of freedom whilst maintaining parental control iykwim? So far he's never been out beyond 6:30pm except for movie trips/ events led by parents.

Making contact with the new parents is a good idea - silly it hadn't occurred to me!!

Part of what's made me realise the need for reviewing "rules" was his obvious popularity with the girls on the mixed adventure holiday with school that he's just returned from! Except, I'm SO not ready for him to find girls!!!!