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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

'first' girlfriend - rapidly relationship!

5 replies

lovelyladylumps · 04/04/2012 08:49

This is my first thread as I've just joined to search for advice/support. My 15 ds pfb has recently begun a relationship with a 13 yr old girl. We have met her and she seems pleasant.

My first concern was that this relationship seemed to be all-encompassing at the detriment to just about everything else. I'm stunned at how much time can be spent on text/bbm/fb/xbox/skype all at the same time in spite of us making her welcome in our home!

Homework is mainly rhetoric and no effort and I yesterday discovered that he'd been on bbm whilst supposedly doing homework after several attempts to get him to do it. So I took his phone and in front of him scrolled through the messages to make the point of how long/how many messages he'd done whilst claiming to be homeworking.

Whilst doing this I found sexual content (both sent and reciprocated) alluding to some heavy petting that had taken place. He admitted that the petting was real and not virtual.

We had realised that they had entered a 'snogging' phase and had spoken to him about respect, risk and considering that his gf is only 13 and laid down some groundrules e.g. not in his bedroom when she visits and not in the house when no one else is in. He had assured us that he 'wasn't ready for anything like that'.

My reaction has been to remove all social media (mainly to give him, myself and his dad some time to think). We allowed a supervised bm message to his gf to explain that they'd been found out and that he wouldn't be available t talk to for at least 24 hours. We have told him we would sit down and discuss this evening to give us all thinking time.

Am I under/over reacting? I want to keep our communication open but want him to find a balance and I do feel conned, let-down and terrified as to where this all might lead or what may happen if her messages are discovered (or indeed if she shows someone)

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uruculager · 04/04/2012 09:07

I've sometimes heard people use heavy petting to mean groping but where I am it means mutual masturbation or a bit of fingering.

If your 15 year old son is fingering someone's 13 year old child you might not be over-reacting to take away his phone for a little bit. In fact, I think you're under-reacting.

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lovelyladylumps · 04/04/2012 09:59

Actually the term here is refering to fondling and kissing breasts, and that's was the messages refer to (and what was admitted to).
However my worry is a) that this is inappropriate given the age of the gf and b) it may escalate given the lack of self-control at that age c) given the breakdown of trust can I be confident it hasn't gone further already - despite his assurances?

He is usually a 'good' lad, fairly sensible (given the fact he's a teenager) and sensitive to peoples feelings. On the down side he tends to be lazy and unfocussed and studies are slipping as I mentioned earlier. He says they are 'in love' and tells me I've broken his heart by taking his ways of communicating away
.
How on earth can I get accross to him that this is likely to be a 'first crush' without him feeling I've no regard for what he's feeling at all? His feelings are very real to him, I'm sure.

I guess I'm looking for reassurance and wisdom on how to deal with this without completely alienating him and causing a teenage nightmare!.....or am I already in that teenage nightmare and putting my head in the sand?

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SecretSquirrels · 04/04/2012 16:24

I think you are right to be concerned at "escalation". The trouble is that that nothing you say will make him believe that this is not the real thing.I think you need to chaperone heavily as well as lots of talking about underage sex and the risk of getting carried away.
DS1 became very serious with a girl the same age when he was 13. I predicted it would last a week or two and they were together two years. As far as he was concerned they were going to stay together forever and get married
It was never very physical though.
I have now learned that he is very intense about every girl he gets involved with.

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Theas18 · 04/04/2012 21:30

Gosh this is difficult.

I have a not quite 13yr old dd who is v mature and who I could easily see as the girl here. I also have a just 16yr old ds so I can see both sides iyswim.

I'd like to trust my son tbh. He is the master of his hormones however hard it is to be a testosterone fuelled hunk. However I'd also take some of the measure you have- home workand sleep times off the phone and technology please. She won't die for not hearing from you for an hour!

Remember that you have " the power" turn the network router off at night and for non computer homework. But especially at night.

Encourage her over for meals/ movies/ hanging out. Give them a room downstairs with relative privacy- but an open door and people around.

I strongly disagree with " chaperoning" in a formal sense of sending dad/ siblingin to watch the film too. How embarrassing for them. Allow them to be together, hold hands, snog etc. yes I'd rather they didn't, but I'm not so daft to think they won't. If you are too heavy handed you'll drive them to friends houses, bus shelters etc where they could be getting up to anything ( and npbe egged on by mates).

Above all talk to the girls mum. See what she thinks is ok and communicate often. Hopefully your ds will spend time at their house too with similar rules. It also means that they are les likely to need to cook up any elaborate " I'm going round her house today " whilst she tells her mum" going to his " etc

I guess support them in learning to have a relationship at the rate that is appropriate to them- and to think about that and control it -and pick up the pieces in due course.

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SecretSquirrels · 05/04/2012 16:14

When I said chaperone I didn't mean going to the pictures!
I meant being aware of what they are doing in your home. I feel when DS has a GF at our home that I have some responsibility for her as well as him.

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