Feisty 16yr old daughter insists on seeing 'no good' boyfriend.

[Mar65]

i really am at my wits end. My 16yr old daughter has been seeing a boy for 2 yrs, and he is ruining our family! He has been kicked out of 3 schools (drugs, insolence, not keeping to school rules), he has been blatently rude to me, and frequently upsets my daughter. I also have reason to believe he has involved her in smoking marujana. My daughter is a very bright, talented girl studying AS levels at college, and he is currently labouring on a building site. He totally ruined Mothers Day yesterday by upsetting her via a phone call, and reducing her to tears, which spoilt the day for me. I am so worried, not only for my daughter's sanity, safety (re the drugs) and happiness, but also that he is distracting her from her studies and affecting her future chances of uni. She has already announced she doesnt want to go to uni outside London, or go to our holiday hole this summer. He is from a good family-but they seem to have washed their hands from him. I feel at such a loss as to know what to do; I've tried talking to her to suggest she needs to get rid as he is ruining her happiness, limiting who she can and can't socialise with at college and affecting our family dynamics (she's an only child). This just results in screaming, shouting and tears. Apparently she loves him, and he is 'good' for her. Help please! How would you handle it????

[nickschick]

I have no idea but am in a very similar position with ds2 and his gf ,so am marking my place.

[Theas18]

Dunno. Banning a 16yr old from seeing someone is not really possible when you think about the ramifications. Ultimately she could more on with him and all sorts if crap could happen.

Ok slightly younger kids but my mates strategy with her dd who always had a boyfriend of some sort ( that was her mothers making IMHO as she wasn't allowed other " hobbies" but I digress) was to completely welcome them with open arms. They had to eat with the family as often as possible, hang out at her house etc etc. she never gave any indication that she thought the boy was awful. However saying of course he can come over - get your homework done and well see him at 7.30 for dinner etc both kept her dd safe and her largely in control - and the ok Boyfs stayed and the not so ok didn't last !

Good luck !

[Mar65]

Thanks Theas; we've tried to welcome him (my DH's idea -NOT mine) but gave clear message to the BF that he was to make a real effort at his new school. That was after he was ejected from the second one. He only lasted half a term in the third, so he's really burnt his bridges in my books. I do worry about the ramifications though.........

[inashizzle]

Sympathies for you firstly,you sound like a caring mum x so hard,if you read my recent thread,struggling with dd 14!!

As she is of age, you can't control so as you've been more than agreeable,how about not always so welcoming? A little cooling.if another guest had been pissing you off you would not be so hospitable,so is be showing your dd actually if he is repeatably being pain in arse,you are not bending backwards,let his own parents put up with that.

Many of posts advice me not to ban my dd boyfriend and I can see points,so I have this all before us but I've also seen my sister welcome her dds bfs and see them take over families life.stand your ground too,its your house!

Best wishes.

[Hoebag]

My sympathies ,it must be very sad seeing your daughter being ground down by someone who seems to be a bit of a loser and wants to taker her down with him. I hope she see's sense.

Without prying, why did he upset her on the phone, is he controlling, jealous in any way?

[Mar65]

Thanks all so much for your replies.
Hoebag, he is controlling - he told her he was going out to see friends when he goes mad with her for doing the same. We were enjoying a great day out at a stately home at the time, and she just lost it, crying and shouting down the phone- so the day was abandoned. I would leave her to it, to learn from these 'mistakes', but i am just so worried, especially with studying for AS level exams just around the corner. All her friends really seem to like him and have succombed to his influential character. Its heartbreaking :-(