"Teen" son in trouble again - what the heck do I do?

[hattifattner]

My almost teen son has been on report for about 4 weeks at school for persistent chatting, misbehaving and general silliness in class. The school have called me in tomorrow, because no matter what they (or we) do, nothing is having an effect.

EVery lesson he has a special card signed to say if he did well (3s), or a sliding scale to 0s (failed miserably). He is still regularly getting 1s and 0s.

He has been internally excluded twice (into a on-site detention centre) and I fear he might end up with a suspension at this rate.

At home we have clear guidelines:

a "2" gets him a day grounding (no TV/Computer/Phone).
a "1" gets him 2 days grounding.
a "O" gets him a week grounding.

If a grounding day falls on a certain day, that also mean he misses Scouts.

The only thing he has left to take away are his radio which is also his alarm clock, and his sport, at which he trains 5 days a week.

He has no pocket money at the moment because he keeps losing expensive sports kit, which he has to replace from his own money.

We are at wits end knowing what to do next. I do not want to remove the sport, as he is asthmatic, and it really helps keep him well. I could also remove the radio, but after that, I dont know what to do.

He already does chores, so thats not an option.

He is a smart kid, popular (esp with the girls) but doesnt really make close friends that he would invite over (despite our prompting). Doesnt seem to care about this either. He is a terrible show off. His school work is sloppy and in two subjects he barely does anything as he sees them as a waste of time. Sadly one of those subjects is RE and he attends a catholic secondary.

This is not going to end well, is it?

ANyone have any suggestions of things I could try?

[exaspomum]

Well, there's the carrot and there's the stick......... You seem to be using quite a bit of stick and it doesn't seem to be working. I would suggest that whenever possible you try to give him praise and try to overlook small things. Pick your battles so that you're not fighting with him all the time.
Do you have time to listen to him? If not, you must make some. There will be a reason for his poor behaviour at school.
Kids, who'd have 'em eh? My very best wishes to you. I know how miserable it is when you're worried about your DCs.

[hattifattner]

I agree Exa.....lots of stick. Our carrot is that he can "work off" his grounding through good behaviour. SO this weekend, he worked really hard at his sport and we took 2 days off grounding.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I am not going to be any help really (my DDs are quite a bit younger) but honestly my very first reaction on reading that was that he is bored at school. Is he a bright lad?

[SaraSidle]

The sort needs to go....

[SaraSidle]

*sport

[weetabixforeva]

He is a terrible show off.

I know from experience that its sooooooo difficult, but maybe you could start seeing some positives in your DS. Perhaps start turning the negatives around. Perhaps viewing his 'show off' behaviour as good self esteem.

popular (esp with the girls) but doesnt really make close friends that he would invite over (despite our prompting).

Why would he want to invite friends over to view his unhappy home life? He'd think you'd embarrass him.

He already does chores, so thats not an option.

He does chores! How brilliant. You should be praising him for this, not viewing it as a punishment.

Take a step back - he's only 12 - ease up - overlook some of his minor misdemeanors, have some fun together, let him enjoy his childhood (and you enjoy it too). Afterall, he's not residing in a youth detention centre, but that seems to be what you are emulating with your tactics.

He's only involved in silly nonsense at school - not hardcore stuff - but its so easy for everyone (you, teachers, DS) to just focus on the negatives. Maybe you could tell the school you want them to work towards focussing more on his positive behaviours (some will emerge if he knows he's going to be rewarded with praise). Be on your DS's side, rather than colluding with the school and turning him into a monster.

Life sounds miserable for you both - it seems like a change of tactics is required. Give DS some praise (and then some more). Good luck.

[ColourMeWithChaos]

I think perhaps it's time for a change of tactic.

It's quite clear that punishment isn't working so maybe it's time to start focussing on the positives a bit more?

Maybe each day you could have a different reward if he gets no 1s or 0s throughout the day. It needs robe so etching he really wants or enjoys doing.

Then at the end of the week if he has managed to go the whole week without a 1 or a 0 then a bigger reward.

It does sound rather miserable at the moment but starting to focus on the positives would make everything more positive and hopefully make this slightly less difficult for you hatti

[Bletchley]

Hi OP, I have a son this age. I hear from friends who are teachers that it is not uncommon for kids to go off track a bit in year eight. I don't think you should stop his sport and I think you must tell yourself regularly that this is a phase and it will pass. I'm finding it hard to see where your son is coming from, IYSWIM, what was he like in previous school years? Has he always been silly in class, is he a high achiever, a struggler, has something changed this year?

[5babyangels]

I feel for you as we are going through exactly same thing with dss. He is on report, in detention, a total distraction to other children, rude, no respect. This has always been a problem with him, it is attention seeking, in some form, deep routed insecurity. He wants to be liked, so he plays the clown, we wants piers to think hes funny. He doesnt seem to understand they are laughing at him. we've tried counselling, rewards, ignoring it, nothing improves really. Currently everything has been banished, phone, laptop, playstation, but no improvement. It is difficult as he demands so much attention and he is not the only child in the family. I don't know the answer I wish I did I too fear exclusion!

[hattifattner]

well back from meeting his head of year.

I expressed my concerns that one of our big issues is that he does not see his behaviour as being his own responsibility - ie he says the teachers hate him, the other kids were talking to him, thats why he was chatting, its not his fault.....

So until he actually accepts that he is the one at fault, his behaviour cannot change. we had a good chat with him, and it was good that the things we were saying to him at home were the same things being said by the teacher. i also expressed my concern that there was a certain element of "street cred" to being the bad boy....

She said she would expect this "settling in" issue (he is yr 7) from summer borns, as it is a maturity issue.

Some of his behaviours (like making silly noises) he said "but all my friends...." - she did point out that his friends had learned that it was appropriate to make silly noises at break time, but not in the class. He grudgingly accepted this.

He is on final report this week, and she has stated that she needs 2 weeks clear to take him off report. If not, she has to escalate to deputy head. DS looked suitably worried by this. SHe went to some lengths to get him to consider the consequences of chatting to friends vs looking and paying attention to teacher, trying to get him to understand that the latter would lead to sanctions, whereas the former would not. Hopefully this has sunk in.

I do think he is immature, he occilates between grumpy Kevin teenager, and the bouncy preteen giggle-monster.

Weetabix, I appreciate the comments, but the Gulag you portray is not our home. There is a lot of positive praise and encouragement, chores are not punishments, they are a way of earning pocket money. Our home has a collection of teens and primary school kids here most weekends with siblings, so its not a miserable family life.

There must be some consequence to continued poor behaviour - he has been on report now for 8 weeks apparently - (4 weeks home room teacher, 4 weeks head of year), and the grounding has only been implemented in the last 2, after an incident which lead to an internal exclusion.

[exaspomum]

Hi again OP. I'm sure Bletechley's right about Year 8 being a troublesome year - my DD had a TERRIFICALLY good social life when she was 13. Now settled down again. I hope you've managed to start a useful talk with him. My best wishes again -it's so hard being the parent of a teen sometimes.

[NarkedPuffin]

Agree with Exaspomum. More carrot, less stick.

I'd refocus the 'punishment' to positive consequences - the higher the number, the nicer the 'reward'. It might go against your parenting philosophy but the one you're currently using doesn't seem to be working for you. It sounds lke he's got nothing left to lose but an alarm clock!

[3teenhell]

5babyangels I could have written your post word for word, and maybe added my DS appears to be turning into a bully as well.

It's so hard to know what to do. I too tried banning all forms of entertainment, but have tired a little bit more carrot as such now and a good day on report means he gets his ipod for the evening. So far touchwood it seems to be working but who knows how long that will go on for.

Also he got punched by a bigger boy at the wknd, unprevoked and i have been to see boys parents, but a little bit of me felt it has done him good as he was becoming a bully and being on the other end of it has made him see what that feels like.

My DS is yr 7 and think he is maybe just finding the transition hard, so hoping it will start to improve soon

[5babyangels]

Our issues with dss are so complex added to the melting pot is that he isn't actually my own son. As a caring and responsible parent it is difficult when you have tried absolutely everything and really tried not just a half hearted effort! At one point we were appointed a family support person. I was sceptical but encouraged it as i hoped it would help. This was a total disaster. She came into the house made snap judgements and decided all would be resolved if he had his own special shelf to put his own special things on! In reality it was a rented house and this was a stupid idea. If we had done that he or one if the other children would have sat on it and the wall would probably have been damaged. She said I was defensive! I really could right the book on this subject. I think the school has written him off as a troublemaker. I don't know how it will turn out.

[5babyangels]

I agree keep the sport! he needs something to excel in if everything else is going a bit wrong or he really will feel the whole world us against him.

[Bletchley]

Is he out of his year group? If he is a summer born year seven he should still be eleven shouldn't he?

[hattifattner]

no he's a winter born year 7, turned 12 at Christmas. So no "summerborn delay" excuse.

He's come home with new report card, two black marks for silliness and chatting. (although also 2 very goods)

[SecretSquirrels]

OP even before I read all the replies I was thinking along the more carrot less stick lines.
I disagree that "working off" the grounding is a reward.
There must be something he would really, really like to do or to have? Bribery yes ok, but call it a reward for good behaviour.
His misdemeanour's are annoying but all silliness and immaturity. I know you must support the school but it does sound as though he is being punished twice for everything.

[Brightspark1]

DS had the 2 nd highest ever number of detentions and reports for silly behaviour from year 7 to year 10. His best friend got the highest. Both are now at Uni, having done really well at A level. They started working once they grew up. 12 year old boys are silly.
This will pass- honest!

[5babyangels]

Brightspark that is a huge relief to hear for me too!

[NunWithADirtyHabbit]

Hi

I would suggest that you chat to your son (a kind of heart to heart) and then wipe the slate clean. I would then start a reward chart. It is important (research says) with these charts that they start with everything and loose it rather then start with nothing and have to earn it - its psychological.

You can do this anyway you want to - but its best to involve your son in agreeing together how the reward chart will work (you can use pen and paper or beads etc - get creative) ...involving him will mean he is more likely to be an active participant.

Dont make it too complicated and pick a few behaviours you want to change rather then have loads on the chart. Ignore any other minor bad behaviour. Never take away something he had already earnt (for example: if he got 5 ticks/beads yesterday but then does something bad today - you cant take away yesterdays ticks/beads). When he does wrong ... dont nag ... just mark the reward chart in the agreed way ...be matter of fact about it ...he will understand and know the consequences. Do not make adhoc changes to the agreed reward chart/system - you have BOTH agreed to it so BOTH need to stick to the rules.

I also think your current system (groundings 1,2 week ect) are too long. If i got a weeks grounding i probably wouldn't bother trying to be good for the rest of the week because ...well what's the point. Also are the grounding even working ...because you say that he doesnt have close friends?

Anyway i am rambling

[NunWithADirtyHabbit]

oh sorry forgot - dont use the sport or scouts as a punishment.

[SecretSquirrels]

Scouts and sports are very positive activities with good role models, really important not to stop those, not least if he hasn't a great circle of friends.
Star charts are great for toddlers but don't work much past 8 or 9 in my experience.

[NunWithADirtyHabbit]

Reward charts done well do work with teenagers (in my experience) .. I am a SW and I work with LAC aged 12 - 18