15 year old brother, so many problems!

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

I'm posting as my Mum is at her wits end with my teenage brother. Bit of background: Mum had 4 kids with my dad, eldest now in his 30s. Stepdad has 4, roughly the same ages. They got together and had my little brother, there's a 9 year age gap between him and my youngest sister. So, big family, lots of different issues obviously going on at all times, so it's fair to say my little brother probably didn't get as much attention on him as we did growing up, but definitely got spoilt money and gift-wise.

He didn't really fit in in primary, he was a bit chubby, young for his age, would rather play on the computer that play out, not many friends. It all changed when he hit secondary school. During year 7, he sprouted up, slimmed out, broad shoulders, Justin Bieber hair cut- you wouldn't recognise him as the same boy!

This is where the trouble started. We found out he first had sex at 12
He looks older for his age, always attracts older girlfriends. He started getting in fights at school, as the older boys didn't like their exes going for him. He started smoking. Couple of older boys caught him by himself, beat him up, took his phone, threatened to stab him if he reported them, so he refused to talk to the police. Started smoking dope. Last summer, he got his 16/17 year old girlfriend pregnant, shes due about his 15th birthday next month. They are no longer together, they can't speak to each other without arguing, so he probably won't have anything to do with the baby (my mum is staying in contact with the family, and will be in touch with them). Her mother got drunk, started on brother, and when he argued back, sent her two late twenties sons round to threaten to break his legs. Before half term, he got in a fight at school, the teacher went to break it up and got in the way of a punch, so he's been excluded and sent to our local 'bad boys' unit. And we found out today he's been taking Mcat.

Where do we start on this? Grounding him means he climbs out of the house, he doesn't respond to taking stuff away, he's been to counsellers with no outcome, he has no respect for our parents- although he will defend Mum if you say anything to her in front of him. Mums rang social servics, who just reffered her to the drugs charity helpline. School referred him to the counsellor, but wouldn't or couldn't do much else. God knows where he's getting his money from to do all this- he did have a evening job over the winter delivering pizzas, but he's left that now.

Any help will be gratefully recieved, and thanks for reading my essay!

[purplecupcake]

Maryz is our expert on teenage boys and drugs.. she gives some great advice

I do know Mcat is a terrible drug, the sooner you get him off that the better.

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

It's awful isn't it? Mum has been suffering mini strokes on and off for the past two years, since this has started.

Not sure what the unit is like- Mum met with either the headteacher or the guidance person last week, and seemed very positive afterwards. They offer a lot of alternatives, such as outdoor working on allotments, but do insist that work is done. I'm less optimistic, as I do know a couple of people who have been through their school years there, and they're not the type of people I would like him to turn out to be He starts there tomorrow, stepdad had a meeting with his previous school yesterday to find out if he was definitely out. He is- even though the teacher acknowledged that DB didn't mean to hit him, it was where he jumped in, they said they couldn't take him back as it would set a precedent for violence against teachers. It's fair enough, he's had enough chances there.

Mum and SD are arguing lots about him, SD seems very uninvolved in it all, so Mum feels she bears the brunt of it. For what it's worth, SD has a very short temper, and his explosions tend to have a big fall out, so he is distancing himself for the good of everyone else, IYSWIM. It's very likely that if he does eventually snap, he will tell DB to get out the house, Mum won't let him, and he will go instead.

I would have said DB wasn't violent, but I've been round to Mums earlier, DB had a row with his current girlfriend yesterday, and punched a hole in the wall of the living room. Mum only decorated last week, while on half term.

Mum varies from being dispassionate, distancing herself, to obviously being very emotional. I think she finds it very hard that she has had 8 relatively easy teenagers through the house- we've all had issues, but come out the other side stable- to this other extreme. It seems like DB is on a downhill route to dealing or prison.

Can I ask if you managed to get support from anywhere? There seems to be no-one you can contact to get any help or advice.

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

She actually said at weekend that she thought they were coming out the other side of this, that DB really responded to the person from the school, and she thought there was a light. We went shopping at weekend, and she bought him some new trainers, a few bits and bobs he would like. Then today she's found out that he took mcat on friday night. Went into his room earlier, found 3 empty multipacks of chocolate she had bought yesterday- probably from smoking weed and feeling the munchies. Yet he's barely eating actual food. When googling mcat, signs of regular use are barely eating and barely sleeping. DB had told her he was smoking weed because he couldn't sleep

For what it's worth, she told him no drugs under her roof, and he seems to be following, even if he is only going to the garden.

[SecondhandRose]

Sounds like he needs a big hug and a chat with his Mum. Just the two of them. No shouting, no swearing. He definitely needs rules and told the consequences of taking taking drugs to his physical and mental health.

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

She's tried that too Rose. They've tried treating him as an adult and as a child, nothing seems to be sinking in. It's like with the pregnancy- we found out he was having sex, we all drilled it into him to use condoms, made sure he had lots of them, he promised us he was using them and actually asked us for more on occasion. He still had sex without them, and got this girl pregnant. He knows the consequences of drugs - who doesn't nowadays? He's taking them anyway. It's just such a bloody waste.

[SecondhandRose]

Sounds like he is on 'self destruct' doesnt it. Is there anyone who can sit and talk to him perhaps about his hopes and dreams for the future?

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

At the minute it seems like he can't see past becoming a father. He doesn't want the baby, and wants nothing to do with him when he's here. He says he's not ready for it. There are rumours that the mother was sleeping around, so he's clinging to the hope he's not going to be a dad, but conveniently ignoring the fact he was having regular sex with her, some of it unprotected.

I think he's hoping it's just going to go away, and resents the fact that my mum is still having regular contact with his ex and the family. Even if he refuses to see the baby, it will impact on his life as my mum will do her best for her grandchild.

[mathanxiety]

The supply of stuff that he likes, like new trainers, needs to stop.

Actiononaddiction

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Adfam useful links for families

Famanon

Advice from The Clifton Clinic that your mum and stepdad need to read.
'When dealing with a person we love who is in active addiction/alcoholism we often move our ?goalposts? or ?line in the sand? and will do things we don?t want to do because we think it?ll help the other person, however what usually happens is we end up angry or resentful because they have hurt us again...'
'...Don?t allow yourself to be bullied by your loved one, either physically, emotionally or verbally; its time for things to start changing.'

Your DB is bullying people with that fist through the wall business. By insisting that he will have nothing to do with his baby he is insisting that he will not accept consequences for his actions. It needs to be made clear to him that there will in fact be consequences. Your mum and SD need to present a united front and agree on the consequences. They need to examine (without casting blame because that is not going to be productive) what each of them is doing to enable the DB. So some groundwork needs to be laid before anything can be done.



Underlying some addictions there can be depression. It would be a good move to have the DB seen by a mental health professional.

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

Thank you for the links, I'll pass them on to Mum tomorrow.

It's OK saying they need to agree on consequences, but what consequences do you give a 15 year old who doesn't respect them? If there's an argument, he will clear off to a friends for the night. Try and stop him, and he'll go out of the window. He can't be physically dragged back to the house- and he's more than big enough to push Mum off him anyway. They can't exactly threaten him with kicking him out- he's only 15.

We have all told Mum to stop buying for him, and she has reduced it, but she really thought he was acting more like himself at weekend, and had somehow managed to grow up a little bit.

For what it's worth, we can all still have a conversation with him, he is still in there somewhere, and he still tells Mum he loves her. Think it's the only thing that's getting her through it all to be honest.

[mathanxiety]

I would be very inclined to make him pay for the repair of the hole he punched in the wall. He has got to be getting money from somewhere to buy his drugs. Next time he did it I would be tempted to call the police. Punching a hole in a wall is domestic intimidation. Your mum sounds as if she thinks she has the situation under control, unfortunately for her.

[LeBOF]

It must be hard being a big sis to a little bro in this situation- are you accessing any support for yourself? Your mother's illness sounds very frightening too.

[mumatwitsend]

thankyou all for your advise,especially my daughter who must be finding all this very difficult.This is a very bad time at the min but i know it is all to do with being a dad at such a young age.We are trying our best to do what is best for all as i know when my son gets older he would hate having a child and not knowing him or her.I would appreciate any advice on the drugs issue as i have no knowledge in this matter at all.We have triec family mediation i have rang social services, and been in touch with rapps.Unfortunately nothing seems to be helping at the moment and me and sons dad are at our wits end,would welcome any help at all.

[mumatwitsend]

Marytz what you say is true we have thought about it from sons point of view and talk to him lots about being a dad and we will do everything in our power to help as he is still our child no matter what happens.

[mumatwitsend]

Thankyou Marytz that was really helpfull just lately i have felt as though my son has died which obviously he hasnt ,and i keep feeling that it is my fault he is doing this.Iwill make an appointment at doctors as i am finding it difficult to get through the day at work (iwork in a school ) .I keep thinking i shouldnt be working with children as i have not done a very good job with my son.I also keep breaking down which is not like me as i am normally such a strong person. thankyou

[wannabestressfree]

Maryz is very wise and helped me a lot with advice concerning my son. He is in a psychiatric unit and was in a similar position to your son.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. I went to a parents day last week and a hospital told me some children are impossible to parent even when lots of people are involved let alone on your own. Let the unit help and speak to CAHMS.

He has to want to help himself though.

[mumatwitsend]

Thankyou for that in my really bad moments i imagine the police knocking at the door and telling me something has happened to my son and i feel a slight relief that all the worry and stress will be gone and then i feel anguish because i cannot imagine life without my little boy.I cannot describe what life is like at the moment ,maybe a bit like a roller coaster. When he sits and talks to me i am ecstatic because he is back again, then something else happens and he is gone .

[mumatwitsend]

My daughter suggested councelling but i dont think it would really make any difference to me in what i am going through at the moment. I had councelling a few years ago as when i was a child my mum was beaten by my dad every weekend, then i was sexually abused when i was 11 by my dad and my uncle. Councelling helped with that as i didnt tell anyone till i was in my 30s.What happened to me has made me really protective of my children which has made this so hard to deal with as i feel so helpless and hate having no one to talk to and get advice from.