Monitoring facebook usage...how much is too much?

[nicknamehaha]

Hi
Looking for views on facebook monitoring. DD is 13yrs and has been on FB for 18mths...yes I know she went on at 12 which meant lying about her age. Maybe our first mistake!! But she had changed school and wanted to keep in touch with her old friends/classmates....most of whom seemed to be on FB already! Which is pretty much what it was for the first year...she was very sensible about it and didn't use it much anyway. We went through the whole "internet safety" issues, privacy settings etc etc and also the fact that myself and DH would also have access to her password and be her friends. So we were able to sporadically check her wall, messages etc. And I admit we compulsively did that in the beginning!!

But time goes on, and you learn that she's sensible and is using it fairly appropriately. So we eased off on the checks...still done but intermittently! However, since she turned 13 her usage has increased HUGELY!! I know it's an age thing, but we have had to set time limits on FB which seems to be ok. Now she has removed us as friends, and changed password! Her postings have deteriorated recently in content and language........which might explain this change in tactic.

Can't decide whether to respect her privacy and recognise yet another leap in independence, or insist that we remain her "friends" for at least another year or so. I'm under no illusions however, that if we ban FB completely, she could set up another account unbeknown to us!!

I generally have a very good relationship with DD so I guess I'm a bit sad not to be considered her "friend" any more!!!!

[uruculager]

How bad are the postings in terms of content and language?

[nicknamehaha]

A bit of swearing (which we asked her not to do again) and some name calling of school teachers (another no no) Generally childish stuff, and thankfully no major cyber bullying or personal insults.....as far as we know!!!!

But given that it's escalating I'd like to keep an eye on it.

[beachyhead]

Watching this with interest. We have an added twitter addition, which appears even less useful than face book. I am still her friend and I do have a password, not sure if it works though.

[willali]

If she has her FB permanently open on a laptop or iPad you can just open it up and have a look (not that I have done that- oh no indeed ). If my teen defriended me I would confiscate all means of accessing FB- it is an absolute rule IMO.

However Twitter is a problem- if the account holder does not accept you as a follower then there is no means of monitoring. Currently spying as above and hoping for the best.....

[CuttedUpPear]

My DD is now 19 and I went through all this with her. She joined FB at age 14 and also had a profile on Bebo that implied sexual incontinence (she wasn't).

I limited her to 2hrs screen activity a day (well I tried).
The understanding was that she had to be friends with me or the internet would go off.
Tactics I had to use to enforce these terms included unplugging and hiding the wifi box, completely turning the power off, and taking the keyboard away.

I was mainly successful but had to point out that her use of language was downright filthy inappropriate at times.

Now she is at Uni. I am going to lend her some money...my condition is that she sets her FB to enable her to review and approve all postings and photos that people try to put on her page before they can do it. She has agreed. I'm fed up of seeing drunken photos of her and have reminded her that future employers will check this out as naturally as they would her CV.

Btw she is really lovely, kind, considerate and not a drunk or a tart at all, but people will judge from what's online.

[ruddynorah]

She's 19 and you're insisting on accessing her FB account? Wow.

OP I assume you know that's the language she uses every day with her friends. By being her friend on there and having her password you're just seeing how she actually is with her friends. Is the problem how she acts and speaks or the fact she's publishing it?

[ruddynorah]

Oh and cuttedup.. you know she'll just have two FB accounts don't you?

[CuttedUpPear]

No no no no yes but.... I'm not accessing her FB account, I've asked her to review herself what people are posting on there. So she can see it first.

So there are no longer 20 pics every week of her falling about in a nightclub, probably quite innocently but....

[ruddynorah]

Ah I see. Good advice then.

[nicknamehaha]

Oh god never even thought of twitter!! She's not on that yet but I guess that'll change.
Inclined to agree with willali....feel I should at least be her friend to check the public stuff. Password I can let go....it always felt particularly sneaky logging as her anyway. And as cutteduppear says...it's the public stuff that counts in the end for her future.
Thanks for all comments so far....really useful to help my next move!!

[CuttedUpPear]

Good luck nicknamehaha. It's one of the things that I have never regretted enforcing, or even the arguments that ensued. As DD grew older she could see her younger behaviour for the embarrassment that it was.
I'm lucky that she (mostly) listens to my advice. (Probably because I try not to dish it out too often).