dd being treated v poorly and hurtfully by her best friend - 12 yo and she is devasted by this. Any advice?

[LovedayPan]

dd and bf are now at big school together since being at nursery and living round the corner from each other. friend has become a sort of 'It' girl, leader type and she is shunning dd in the most hurtful ways: ditching her at school, turning her back when talking in a group, not including dd in any 'activities' etc. dd has the sweetest of natures and is tearfully hurt by all of this.
Children can't be told who to be friends with. obv., but treating any friend like this is too much to bear for dd.

Any pointers/advice on this tricky situation? She has other friends, but this one is/was special - dd is intensely loyal, and is 'heartbroken' at how she is being treated.
tia

[Winkly]

I went through this as a teenager. It's awful and your DD has my heartfelt sympathy.

Unfortunately you can't change her former friend's behaviour. Instead, try to build her confidence and facilitate and encourage her other friendships. Keep her busy, listen to her. It WILL all be ok, even though it doesn't feel like it :(

[LovedayPan]

thanks Winkly - we tell dd how wrong this is and she is right to be upset, and I ahve told her that it won't always be like this and the horrible feelings won't always be there - she needs to look beyond this friend, but how I help her do this is a real problem.

[carrotsandcelery]

My dd (10) has had a very similar experience over the last few months.

It is very upsetting and confusing for them.

Sadly, I realised the only solution for my dd was to encourage and facilitate her making new friendships. It has taken a little while but is working and she is becoming much happier again.

I have also strongly encouraged a broader friendship base so that she is not reliant on one person, even if she does have a more special friend.

I hope your dd manages this as it is a very difficult experience. Good luck.

[Winkly]

Well, you said she has other friends - how about dd has some over for DVDs/nail painting/playing the Wii? Find out an out of school activity she'd like to try - martial arts in particular for fun & confidence, or drama perhaps. (finances permitting obviously)

The extra bonus of these is when she goes into school talking about the fun things she's been doing, she becomes more interesting to others.

[callow]

My daughter had a very similar friend. When it was just the two of them they got on like a house on fire, when they were part of a group my DD was shunned as she wasn't cool. It was heartbreaking to see. At one stage she did say to the girl's mother (who was a friend) that she was being bullied. The mother was horrified and went to see the teacher straight away. Although she was nasty to my daughter my daughter was drawn to her.

I did consider asking when they went into Year 7 that they didn't share the same class. The nastiness continued and at one stage bad enough that I went to see the Head of Year. Luckily later in the school year she started to make some new friends and now she is very happy.

You can only support her and keep telling her that real friends do not treat you badly. She will find a new set of friends. Now my daughter is still friendly with this girl but that is all. As she is not one of her close friends I haven't seen her for several years.

[LovedayPan]

thanks for all these replies - it's really upsetting to see your dearest dd being so upset over something you have no control over - other than supporting her and NOT 'interfering'. yes she does have other friends but this one was 'best'. She went to her house last week after school and friend just disappeared upstairs with no word, and left dd on her own in a house that wasn't hers.

dd isn't 'cool', but she doesn't wish to be. She's doing really well academically and I really don't want to her to lose this due ot emotional upset.

extra curricula stuff - she has done karate, street dance and goes to g/guides so she does see the value of doing other stuff.

[Gymbob]

My DD's have excellent pastoral care in their secondary school - and a lovely lady in a dedicated role who the children call Anna so she is easy for them to approach.

DD2 is going through something similar at the moment and is currently having one-to-one sessions with Anna to help her 'say no' to the bad influences that are catching her eye and to deal with the friend who is constantly on her case for one thing and another.

One thing I do know is that girls are bloody horrible creatures (not ours of course - other peoples)

[LovedayPan]

yes, dd talked of walking past the 'pastoral care' sign, which detailed 'problems with friends, which she told me about but didn't think it was right for her. Instead she texted a mutual friend, at a different school but who is the 3rd girl in their perviously happy triumvirate for her thoughts. Iam really pleased and a bit proud of how she is handling it all.
I will check later in the week how things are going and check out the possibility of pastoral care for her. I did say " I don't know what it's like to be a 12 yo girl, so you must tell me please" (am a 'boy').

[DharmaBumpkin]

I can recommend a book called 'Queen Bees & Wannabes', good practical advice not to fix the problem necessarily as she can't change her friends behaviour, but how to maintain your DD's self esteem etc. It's a bit American but very good, I found

[RoobyMyrtle]

Blimey! I came on here to find advice on the exact same situation with my dd. I don't want to interfere and she's begged me not to but she has Epilepsy and the stress is making it much worse. She's been friends with this horrible girl since they were 12 months old. :(
Mean girl sent a letter to dd last week with eye-watering swearing in it. I'm fantasizing about sending a copy of it to her mother but know from bitter past experience that this will only make things worse...

[LovedayPan]

Dharma - thanks for the suggestion - had a spy of it and will order from Amazon tonight.

Rooby - that's really horrible isn't it? Perhaps you are right about not raising with the girl's mum, but it sounds a lot to stomach.

[analyticalannie]

We are going through a similar thing with our 14 year old DD - so I can really sympathise. Our daughter is also sweet natured and a gentle, sensitive girl. I have basically explained that it says more about the sort of person her friend is - rather than her. We are trying to boost her self- esteem and encouraged her over half-term to bring another friend to the house.

It is extremely difficult for them but with our love and support they will be fine. Sadly it is a tough lesson that other people don't always behave how you would like them too. This is especially hard when they come from families where the mantra is "treat others how you would like to be treated".

[startail]

My BF went through a patch of ignoring me or teasing me a bit too nastily in Y7.

Lots of finding her feet and place in the pecking order.

Got better the older we got and we were back to being partners in crime by the end of Y8.
Basically we were the brightest of our gang, so we got set together and common aims won out over the search for street creed.