Boarding School for difficult teen? Any advice?

[DodoBird]

To say my 13year old DD is a nightmare teen is an understatement. I find myself reading the posts on this forum and nodding my head in agreement. All the usual teenager stuff and much more, she is a nightmare at home making everyones life a misery and normal family time is only ever possible when she is out with her friends. My DH is really stuggling and finds the constant drama, shouting and fighting very difficult to handle. She says she hates our family and she wants to move out and get away from us. The Head at her last school (which she was asked to leave) suggested to us she might benefit from boarding. She is at the local comp now but already in trouble again. We have been left a small amount of money and are considering letting her board to give us and the other DCs some respite and give her an opportunity to have space away from us. She is really keen to go and sees it as a way to get away from home. My friend who had a nightmare DS sent him to board and it was the best thing for him and their family, it saved their relationship and he is a different boy now. Has anyone got an experience/advice on this one? Any schools good with this kind of thing? We are in the south east.

[mumblechum1]

I'd normally say that sending an unhappy child to boarding school would be a really bad idea, and make them feel rejected, however if she genuinely wants to board, and you've talked it over really thoroughly with her, you could give it a go, on the basis that if she ever feels that she can't cope with it, you will have her home at the drop of a hat.

[MrsGypsy]

My sympathies with your difficult situation. I'm sure there'll be a few comments on how your proposal "isn't a solution", but quite frankly if it's WWIII at home you need to change tactics. My DS went to boarding school a year ago - not the same situation as yours - but he was desperate to go and has really thrived.

The fact that your DD is really keen is a good thing, and I suggest you get her involved in every aspect of choosing a school. Does she want co-ed, or single sex? A school strong academically, in sports, or creative arts? There's so many options, with most schools having truly fantastic facilities for boarding. Your starting point should be buying The Good Schools Guide (cheapest off Amazon) and reading up on Senior Schools (taking into consideration any recommendations you get off here).

Visit between 3 and 5, with your daughter, and go by your "gut feel". You'll both know when you've found "the one". Be honest with the schools you visit - they need to know your DD's background - some schools just won't be suited to her - but a lot are willing to take on a kid who doesn't "fit in" and be part of the process of shaping her into a mature and responsible young adult.

I take my hat off to you for being prepared to spend your inheritance on helping DD. Make sure she always knows how much you love her, and that you're doing this because you agree with her in that she might develop better at her own pace, in a boarding school of her own choosing.

[Cassidee]

It can be a really good idea, and there are plenty in the south-east. Good for you for being prepared to consider it and spend money on your dd in this way.

I second the Good Schools Guide recommendation as a starting point. Plenty to read there.

{{{Hugs}}} to you and your dd.

[cornskull]

Is school the problem? Would she be happier being home educated?

[schoolchauffeur]

Agree with lots of the comments on here. One of the key things for me would be to find out the "ethos" of each school and how "rule bound" they are and what would suit your DD best. For example, my DDs school is relatively laid back - kids are expected to organise their time, follow the rules, but they are given plenty of rope to hang themselves with and if they break the rules, boy do they know about it. Whereas my son's school has a much more regulated approach to everything which suits him very well as he is disorganised and would probably find himself in a whole heap of trouble at DD's school. DD on the other hand is very self disciplined and would find DS school too rule bound and suffocating with all her time being organised. You need to think about which approach will work best. Good thing is that she is keen to do it, but she needs to understand that in going to boarding school she will be temporarily swapping home parents for "teacher parents" so whichever school she chooses, she won't just be able to do what she wants all the time!

[FlyingTeapot]

Couldn't you just look into counselling for her and maybe all of you. Many counsellors deal with childhood problems, probably in much the same way as Childen's Services do but it would be on your terms, and not compulsory as in a recommendation after petty crime. In my experience, naughty/disruptive children don't change their spots just because they are away from the family. Could she go to some sort of 'boot camp' type thing now and again, to develop a new interest, or maybe you (not everyone else) and her could go away for a week's holiday?

If she really does want to go, how about registering her as a day pupil and allowing her to board occasionally?

If you don't mind me asking, why was she asked to leave her last school?

I had a fairly problomatic child who did go to boarding school (weekly boarder) and to be honest I would say it did him more harm than good.

[Cassidee]

In my experience, teenagers with problems can benefit enormously from being away from home and do indeed find the freedom to radically change their spots. You've got the Head's recommendation; your dd says it's the best thing for her. Two people you should probably listen to.

[nooka]

I asked my dad if I could go to boarding school because my relationship with my mother had got so difficult. Distance did help diffuse the tension, but family counseling might have worked too. I didn't consider myself a difficult teenager, but my mother certainly did, and I assume my father didn't much like the stress of living with the two of us (I'm the youngest and all my siblings had already moved out). We did have some children from very difficult homes at my boarding school (all sorts of reasons) and some of them did very much feel abandoned at school, whether they were happier there I don't know.

[DodoBird]

Thanks for the replies and advice. We are terrified DD will develop feelings of rejection etc. so we would only consider somewhere close to home so she could come home and we could go to any of her matches or concerts so she knows we are still there for her. I agree some counselling would help but she flatly refuses to participate in 'that shit' as she calls it! I agree with schoolchauffeur that the type if school will the crucial factor. Somewhere ridgid with lots of rules won't work (based on previous exp). We had another blazing row today over homework or lack or it and again it's ends up with her demanding to board to get away from 'this fucking house'. My younger DCs are scared of her and her tantrums and smashing things when we have a row. Thing is I can't imagine her behaving like this in front of her peers!!

[Cassidee]

If it doesn't work out for any reason, be prepared to change schools, not just blame her. That would be awful. But I think it could work very well. I have a friend with a dd in boarding school where they have horses but I can't remember the name of it. Anyway she loves it. Your dd's interests may push you towards a particular school, eg horses for the horse-mad are wonderful. Favourite sports which are well provided for can make all the difference, and it's where the private sector really excels.

[MrsBodger]

Me, I hated boarding school and have always said I'd never send any child of mine. BUT my nephew went through a very bad patch - he got beaten up at his school at about age 14 (they were living abroad at the time). After that, he kept playing truant. They moved him to another local school, but he kept on not going. He was also hanging out with some fairly dodgy friends and smoking weed. So she sent him to board in the UK, which did seem to sort out the problem - he's not the most academic of boys, but got GCSEs and A levels there, and is a lovely guy in his early twenties now. Definitely worth looking into.