very troubled teen and very stressed worried mum!!

[badgersbaby]

hi, i need some help please. Very long story - please bear with me!!!

My youngest DD ( I have two other DD's aged 22 & 20 and a grandaughter!!) is 17 in Feb. She has always been the more challenging of the 3 girls, im assuming typical '3rd child sydrome' and has always been demending of my attention, behaviour problems when very young etc but on the flip side - a bright, intelligent friendly and delightfully happy little girl. Her dad and i split when she was 5yrs old and although it was tough coping with the 3 alone ( i also have some pretty complex healh issues) she seemed happy and adjusted well to the situation.

around the age of 7 /8 yrs she started to have probs at school with friendships and bullying, silly things at first but as she got older things developed to nasty notes, intimidation, not letting her join in etc.

in talks with the teachers, they confirmed the same as what was happening at home in that she was demending peoples attention - kids and teachers alike - then getting upset when they didnt respond to her in the way she thought.

At the age of 10, she developed an ovarian cyst which accelerated her physical development hugely - she grew large breasts, her hips changed shape, periods started etc. The specialist said she developed the equivelent of a average 14 /15 yr takes to change over 2 yrs - in approx 8 months at the age of 10!! she was then bullied for being 'bigger' than the other girls and everything else that goes along with normal puberty. Along with this it was discovered she had a serious problem with the cartilidge in her knees and had had 3 operations since and is currently waiting possible partial knee replacement. all this meant that whilst she was never fat, she has carried a little extra weight due to being unable to partake in any physical activity.

She joined secondary school and although she made a couple of strong friendships she never went out, socialised, partied or anything. this remained the same right through lower school - the only thing that changed is that she became very 'vocal' over things she believed in - but not in a negative way - she would discuss things with the teachers, disagree with them etc but never got into trouble as she was very mature in her confrontations. She was consistently getting top marks, even when she was having 6-8 weeks off because of knee ops, she would email school and have work sent home and would actively catch up with missed work instead of doing PE lessons.

She remained difficult at times and it became increasingly obvious that one problem was being able to accept that I had to give attention to my other two daughters, particualrly the eldest who has ME, though in character they are identical which is why i think they clashed and argued constantly, quite seriously at times. little things such as who i sat next to on the sofa, who rode in the front of the car, who i went to first of they needed help. It was hard but i put it down to sibling rivalry and strong characters.

Socially she kept herself extracated from her peers, never went to parties, or weekend meet ups, didnt go out at all unless it was me, despite being encouraged to by her couple of close friends. She spent time in and out of councelling at school, dealing with body issues, social issues, problems with her relationship with her father and step- mother.

She was extremely judgemental of kids who drank, smoked etc - never verbally to them but would openly say she wasnt ' a normal teenager' cuz she likes to be at home, hates drinking, smokiing, partying etc and prefers to read, watch telly, cook, knit. In September of 2010, she became very introverted and angry and after a lot of talking, she 'came out' to me, telling me that one of her close 'friends' had outed her at school and she was being bullied badly. we spoke to the school, she addressed a few issues herself and decided that with gcse's approaching she was not gonna let people make her fail and with a lot a strength stayed at school and dealt with what was going on, sometimes harder than others, but she got through it and came out with excellent results. she decided to go back to the 6th form college but only managed 2 weeks as alot of the same students were there and she was still the 'fat gay girl'.

it became apparent that she was losing weight and basically in august last year she was diagnosed with anorexia and extreme anxiety disorder. we have been seeing CAHMS for 3 months and she has disclosed one attempt at taking pills, had cut her thighs with a scalpel repeatedly in a one inch 'dashed' line patterns from the top of her legs to just above her knees ( though this has now stopped). one night, we heard a crash and she had gone to the kitchen whilst we were in bed and cut her wrist with a bread knife, not deeply but bad enough to bleed. she has started eating again as she was starting to become very ill physically and could see it herself. She is following weight watchers as she is able to be very strict with the counting and the planning of meals etc - but she is eating!!

Through intense councelling though and observation it has become apparent that she has an obsessive desire to gain my attention still. most of the time it is just me, my fiance and her at home, but over christmas, my other daughter is home from uni, and my eldest and grandaughter have visited and her behaviour has become very difficult to deal with - arguing, being very demanding of my time, if i spoke to my other DD's she would call me out of the room and say she wanted to cut again or make herself sick, or find her crutches cuz her knees were hurting. but when they werent around she was absolutely fine - eating freely and moving around with no difficulty at all. except having to sit with me all the time and talk about shopping for meals, planning, asking to pause tv to talk about it etc.

I cant help getting frustrated with her as i can see its obvious that it is attention seeking, but to the extreme and the CAHMS team have said she has some sort of attachment disorder to me but at the moment are unable to pin point it.

Im at my wits end as to how to deal with it - i know that she is very ill and needs a lot of support but it is starting to effect relationships within rest of the family - my daughter is back to uni next week, in the two weeks she has been home we have spent 3 hours together alone!!! i have tried being supportive and there for her at her every request, asking my fiance to move so she can sit next to me on the sofa, asking him to sit in the back of the car!! and he is being very supportive and has a great relationship with her - but now im tired and am finding it harder and harder to not be firmer with her demands - to have time alone for me, even just to have a coffee alone!!

im sorry its a long one but i did warn you!! if anyone has any advice i would appreciate it or even if you just understand our problem - please comment!!!
thanks
Badgerbaby

[WelshCerys]

Oh BB - I am sorry. You're obviously under a huge deal of stress. It sounds, though, that you are an amazing and resourceful mum and I'm sure you'll (all) get through this. Thanks god your finance is so supportive.

Don't worry too much about the other DDs - they know what's going on and are old enough to make allowances re your time etc. You'll catch up with them in time - you really will.

How is DD3 doing with her studies - is she at college? If no, could she do some distance learning? Is there an alternative college she could go to - perhaps somewhere smaller, somewhere gentle? It sounds as though your bright young daughter could do very well given a focus for her intelligence. She's who she is - the name calling must have been incredibly painful.

Do you have a good relationship with the CAHMS people? Can you work with them to not only support your DD (and the rest of the family) but also to set some rules/boundaries? I'm thinking about the attention demands - I can see why it's happening but the effect on you and relationships in your family is very difficult. And you - and the others - matter too. Also, the implications for DD's long (and even short) term relationships with others...

I do understand your problem - and if I can think of anything to say tomorrow (I'm sure I will), I'll post again. In the meantime, go easy on yourself, you are doing all you can for your family. You say you have health issues - it's especially important that you look after yourself well. Is a break out of the question?